lost and found

stuff i found out (abt myself) on losing and getting lost...

some things are meant to be lost.
try as you might to keep them,
if it's not yours to keep or own,
then it's bound to be gone.

i hate losing!!!

but i just have to move on and learn the lesson that nothing really is for keeps.
therefore there is no use being attached to things,
only to be shattered after.

damn! i hate losing!!!

come to think of it, those who get left behind also end up being lost :(

there is this sinking feeling.
to grasp on that which is no longer there.
familiarity is a killer.
it will force you to long for that which you lost even though your mind knows that it is gone. and it is futile.

familiarity truly breeds contempt (okay, i'm twisting the meaning, but i don't fuckin' care!)
i hate familiarity!

it is this same familiarity that is essential so as not to be lost.
**which i already stated can't be controlled**

if you're so used to something and you know it in and out, then the chance of getting lost is slim.

atleast that's what others say.
w/c i don't necessarily have to believe on.

but i realized :
a. there's no shortcut to the right path. oftentimes, you really have to get lost in order to find the right way.
a.1. the road to enlightenment is under construction.

b. and only when you lose something do you find out that you can live without them.
b.1.


my sob the stories:
1. the thing is, i lost my stylus (the second one) today :(
friday, i lost my first stylus, but found it also after a few hours. then saturday, i lost it again and didn't find it anymore. waaaah!
so i have a spare, but lost it after the 3rd day of use.

2. i'm furious that i got lost today by my dimwit cab driver who prolly did it intentionally to squeeze more money from me. he missed one turn which caused us to be sooo out of the way. you know how the one ways work in makati.

to the driver, i have 3 words for you:
go to hell!!!

an exclusive party

i am organizing an exclusive party for a balikbayan friend.

so here's my guideline on this exclusive party:

1. strictly all girls, anything that is biologically male is prohibited. i guess even transexuals too.

2. when you say party, this means, booze, or anything that has the same effect. read: alcoholic drinks.
the rise of the amats is directly proportional to the rise of the libido.

3. smoking ofcourse is optional (be it pot or otherwise). this an added excuse to do crazier stuff ;)

4. danceable, sexy, sing-able contemporary music. this is the foreplay.

5. this can be a meet our friends' friends or meet my ex-turned friend or meet my gf's ex-turned friend-turned my gf now. the lez links are so intertwined they'd resemble the pubes.

6. you should have the right mix of the beautiful/desirable, the aggressive, the entertainer, the intellectuals, the dumb/the newbies and the oc's.

7. have a few games that will involve everyone, preferrably with skin touching, like spin the bottle/truth or kiss (the opposing womyn on each end of the bottle shd kiss), body shots or strip poker (ok, that didn't have touching, but then what's next w/ the watching is up to how game you are)

8. you can rent a room depending on the size of the group or reserve a table in a bar. the more privacy, the better.

9. i hope everybody dresses up for this party. it can be themed or not.

10. if you bring couples in exclusive parties, they will create a subset of exclusivity, meaning they're exclusive to each other only. korni!!! this creates imbalance somehow. so partners are not encouraged.

that's all i've thought of so far for this sat's parteh :)

any other ideas??

words with no wisdom

i dunno where wisdom is, bec if i have any ounce of it, i would have left my company now!
but then miracle of all miracles, i'm still working my ass off for this company.
and im hating each day that im here. moreso everytime i need to meet with bleep! bleep!
my only consolation if you can call it that is seeing the enthusiastic people who still has this thing called 'hope' in them.

i didnt realize that my patience and tolerance can be stretched this far.
frighteningly amazing!

i miss my old self. when i don't give a damn, and i spit my mind to whoever at anytime.
when i'm challenged yet motivated.
nowadays, im just tired. challenged, sure. motivated, na-ah :c

in my twisted mind, i just wish that i get fired, to make things easy.
sigh. why is leaving never easy?
why is giving up so hard to do?
i've been mercilessly kicked on all sides, in and out.
and yet i remain.
that's the reality of my professional shit.
i remain.
no movement up, no progress. no change.
but a continuing decadence that will soon kill the life out of me :(

in my own little way, i try to fight this nega feeling.
how? i dress up! :D

during my tan days, i showed a lot of skin. backless, sleeveless.
less is the theme! ;)

now that my tan has faded (or should i say, molting season has ended), im soon returning to my old skin.
**that doesnt sound right. i just shed off skin, so how can it be 'old' skin? new skin? hehe. nangungulit lang :p*

old skin, old ways.
i went back to statement shirts, jeans and sandals/slippers.
but since i've been feeling crappy, i decided to do, operation: beautify! :D hehe.
i'm sporting the biker chick look, donned in my fab red biker jacket w/ tanktops underneath ;)
i also accessorize more now like colorful beads, black leather wristbands, native necklaces, the works.

my waves of curls has grown so long, halfway on my back. i just let them be.
my nails are in royal blue for a week now :) while my ankle has 3 braided anklets from my out of town trips.
and i wear 3 different scents :)

once in a while, i wanna surprise myself.
on a rainy day like last friday, i ate ice cream! it's just me going nuts i guess :)

ok, i've digressed again. for a moment there, i've forgotten how shitty i'm feeling :)

so why is leaving never easy? why is giving up so hard?
**words with no wisdon ahead**
because you just don't want to.
you say you do, you feel like doing it.
but what you're feeling is not enough for you to materialize them into action.
meaning, you're just full of blah! and too coward or lazy to do what u want.
**my old self reprimanding my now self**

that's my take on that. not only on leaving but to all the rest of the verb words you wanna do, but can't/won't.

dissecting DARNA!!!

Dahil ang tagal kong nawala, here's a socially relevant entry na i hope makakapagpalimot sa inyo sa malungkot na sinapit ni pope :)

**ano ang relate ni pope & darna?? note the semblance in pope's and darna's costume, same color scheme, may meaning yun!! lol! (deranged talaga ako)**




okay, i don't think i've ever been interested with local tv than when angel locsin became darna.
but then, who wouldn't??



D is for drama!
look at that face! okay, and body too (as if it can be helped).
don't you just want to hug her and console her and love her and protect her from the harshness of life?



D is for divine!
she flies, saves people's lives, she has a pure heart underneath her costume, what more can assure her of heavenly status? a real angel, sigh...



D is for delicious!
i mean, just look at that sight ^ hmmm... yummeeh!
kanin na lang ang kulang, busog ka na!
parang ang sarap nya halikan sa... buong katawan!



D is for dreams, of darna and me...in da dark doing bleep! bleep! stuff ;)


**anecdote**
nakasabay ko na syang manood ng sine sa greenbelt, kahilera ko ng upuan.
pro nde ko maalala pinanood ko non, basta alam ko, nakaputing sexy outfit sha nun! wehehe.

nakita ko na rin sha ng malapitan sa mall (nung Click days pa nya). kasama nya alalay nya nun.

kapuso/n talaga ako! ;)

more hapi times

excerpt of the weeks that was and the coming days:

DA WINE PARTEH!
i had my wine party with select friends.
no straights were allowed.
twas with two special womyn in my life (m gf was intentionally not there).
one was heavenly, the other juicy ;) beat that :D

twas with my closest friend, my discreet gay bestfriend.
he and his ex-bf did all the prep, what more can i say? but thank you!

we had 5wines: 4 red wines, 1 white wine.
2 of them were chosen because of the fancy bottle design, the two, for the taste. and the other one for no reason :D

we had cheeses and cold cuts, crackers and cakes.

twas a night of Ws: wine, womyn, winning, wanting and wit.

we had games, age-old charades (my team won), memory game (i failed twice), pinoy henyo contest (about showbiz, i suck at this!).

NORAH JONES
she simply is enchanting.
she's fun and sweet.
i sure hope she's not straight :D
i adore her.
firewomyn is starstruck.

Sunday -Saturday (Mar. 13-19)
NON-STOP WORK AND MISERY!

BEACHIN!!!!
Sunday, Mar. 20. Destination: SanJuan, Batangas.
Family outing.
Beach was great! :) Family-prepared feast was sumptuous! *buhay baboy*
Corals were breathtaking *imagine feeling that while you're underwater! wehehe! :) it is to die for! *
*will post pix pag sinipag na ko*

so im back with my tan after palawan :) ansaya!

MORE BEACHIN!!!
Thur-Sat, Mar. 24-26. Destination: Puerto Galera.
hike, swim and dive/snorkel.
dance, drink, rave, parteh!

Sunday, Mar. 27.
SPA and MASSAGE.

hapi times

what makes birthdays happy?

it is spending the day with your loved ones and with those who love you too :)




we had dinner in a singaporean resto in gateway, Rasa.
my whole family was there, and their better halves and kids, plus of course my bestfriend.
it was a sight seeing the legacy of our family. almost makes the ties tangible.
the food was excellent, service was great and the ambiance so right.
im so happy :)




friday is for my friends! this is the time to commune!
for wine, womyn, whining and whathaveyous! ;)
friday is all about getting Wasted! *excited*




time with my gf is reserved for sat! :)
we'll start it with a norah jones concert then anything goes after ;)




and then sunday, is a time for rest and reflection.
to be grateful for an enriching year of life.

i thank god :)

a reason to blog

ok, it's my birthday. i almost forgot.
geez!
nway. i have to treat my team for lunch! a must! i spend more time with my colleagues than with my family, so that makes them more than family! ugh!

amid the heartaches and mini triumphs we experienced, i love those guys. eck! good thing they're not reading this. we've never been in an emotional level. well, if you can call the heated arguments, the anger, the frustration with each other and the 'sermons' as emotional interactions, then me and my team's more like blood brothers then. hehehe.

literally and figuratively. we've been thru hell and back. spilled blood, sweat, guts and tears. and whatever juice left of our body.

we've given our all for this company we work for. heart and mind.
i think there's no greater love than that.

now i think im gonna cry. boo! hoo! lol!

*group hug!*

ok, im sounding sappy already.
hey, give me some slack!
i know it's out of character, but i have a valid excuse, it's my D DAY :p

pensive in palawan

i want to break free!

OFF TO PALAWAN :)

forgive my father for he has sinned

my current relationship w/ my tatay is limited to monosyllabic responses (answerable by yes or no is best) to his inquiries and him asking for money during sweldo.

when i was a child, we speak in terms of his belt on my skin or his palm on my face.
and my replies are in black and blue, in bruises, in muted pain and of nurtured hatred.

u kinda get used to it to a pt that it no longer hurts, physically and emotionally.

bec of this, he stopped 'disciplining' us.

i dont know if it is lack of education or simply his lord mentality that makes him think that he is still the head of the family and shd be followed at all times despite the fact that he has long ago stopped assuming that role.

dig this. he didn't buy any appliance/stuff in the house. yet he controls the them all.
kainis di ba? you can't choose the shows to watch from the tv w/c you bought, bec sya ang nasusunod.
*feeling ko, pag tinago ko ang remote control, maghuhuramentado un or babasagin na lng ang tv para walang makinabang!*

psycho.

last night, i just found out that my father has a mistress who's pregnant right now and wants to live with her.
*w/c in truth is fine w/ me really, so long as he doesn't come back*

the catch though is that he wants us to financially support 'them'.

the mistress by the way is just in her early twenties (younger than me), and accdng to rumors, is mentally challenged.

but the real deal is this, my tatay is saying that it is not his, but since naaawa sya, he will just take the baby as his.
awwww! so sweet of my tatay. so mabait di ba?
to sacrifice and leave his own family just so to save a dimwit damsel in distress.
gee. what more can i say.
gusto ko lang tumumbling.

it doesn't end there.
my sister and her bf will get married soon.
and mamamanhikan sa haws namin next week.
when tatay found out abt it, he told us, 'tamang-tama, ipapakilala ko na rin ang bago kong aasawahin'.
ugh. he said that w/o batting an eyelash. as if it's the most natural thing in the world.

i don't know if he's testing our threshold for sanity or he's lost his mind already.

if that's the case, then they deserve each other i guess :)

i hope the gurl cares for him, bec i (and the rest of the family) simply cant.

hiatus

apologies to everyone.

far from kumakalat na tsismis and urban legend,
nde pa po ako 'lumagay sa tahimik (read: nagpakasal)
*baka kasi dahil sa last post ko, kya ganun ang dating :D hehe*

or nagka-metacarpal tannal syndrome kya nde na makatype.
*da closest i got was kalyo sa daliri and varicose veins. ugh!*

at nde rin po ako nafire or ngresign kaya nde na ko ngbblog.
*alam ko madalas ko idahilan ito*

hmm... parang nag-february lng tinamad na ko mgblog.
oops! :D hehe.
i confess, mejo tinatamad ako mgblog lately.
and ala din akong ganang mgblog hop.
ewankoba. hayy.

ngfofocus muna ko sa aking ungrateful job.
subsob muna sa trabaho.
kayod marino kumbaga.
*palusot!!!!*

walang mashadong emosyong dumadaloy sa katawan ko kundi pagod.
ang tanging lakas na meron ako ay lakas ng pananampalataya na matatapos din 'tong phase na to.

in da hope na maenergize ko ang aking blog spirit,
bumili ako ng sangkatutak na vitamins!
tinry ko din imotivate sarili ko thru delectable food (sisig for lunch, apple cinnamon danish & mango juice for dessert)
i shopped for new clothes and shoes too.
my logic is, to make myself happy such that i'll be excited to blog and have something to write.

but it seems to be not working.

nde pala nabibili ang motivation.
at lalong nde ito parang gutom na pdeng idaan sa lamon
or appetite na napapagana ng vitamins :(

da only conclusion i can derive from this experience (granted that i understood it na) is that,
inspiration/interest (w/c i lack right now) is not about fulfiling basic needs and material acquisition.

*disclaimer: just bec i currently have a gf whom i love doesn't mean it solves all problems*

so i will write nonsensical stuff (like this one) as i await enlightenment *in yoga position*,
let all of you be warned: random trash ahead.

don't expect witticism of sorts here for the meantime.

firewomyn has lost her fire.
im stripped to being the womyn, w/ a mundane life, lost in a way, and nothing much to say.

shower thoughts

during my shower, i realized why me and my gf clicks.
it is bec. we've been friends longer than my exes.
i can distinguish the difference.
we're more fluid. the rapport is better.
there is unspoken understanding.
it's almost like a 'couple' feeling.
i'm just happy that we turned out fine :)

womyn in my mind

**warning!!! mush ahead! wehehe.**

omg! firewomyn is inlove!
how is firewomyn when inlove?
awfully ksp
consistently smiling
unbelievably inspired
unstoppably touchy
incredibly magastos
definitely loyal.

to da womyn in my mind:

i think you're so cute when you smile w/ your bangs falling just below your specs. and when you pout just to make fun of my antics.

goodies!

dis may seem schizo of me (after dat awful entry prior to dis) but it's not always doomsday for me.
here's a lil bit of sunshine & some redemption :)

• on a lighter note, i'm free of my credit card debt already! yipee!!!
• and i got back the 50% deduction i was punished with! *tumbling* twas a mess due to lapses in translation
• had my defective atm finaly replaced after an exasperating experience & creating a scene at the bdo bank
• my best friend's movin to makati w/ a hottie roommate! dis means more gimik time w/ my frends! hooray!

inTENSE!

kung lalaki siguro ako, umakyat na itlog ko sa leeg ko.
im dat tense right now.
on more controlled situations where there's still an atom of poise left in me, and i know there's a way out (read: lusot!),
i would have just spit, im not tense, im intense!
but, the reality is i've fucked up big time! and the damage is 60+ customers getting updated to the beta version of our soon to be released software (w/c i must add, is still under QA test).

i prayed hard for the earth to just swallow me whole, or i suddenly catch a contagious disease (in the hope that they'll pity me and won't find it in their hearts to be mad at me).

in my escapist mind, im believing that this is all a nightmare w/c i will soon wake up from.
or only a handful of people was affected, err, like 1 or 2? :D

i almost had a hear attack after running one query (to verify the damage) and saw the result of almost 300 customers affected by that fatal error. it's almost like 300 pairs of eyes glaring at me and questioning my capacity in this job. i imagined myself shrinking in their cold stare and getting buried alive from where i stand.

i did another query and it downsized to 69 (one of my favorite number, but not on this particular case). great! it's still a whole LOT of actual customers!

i would hav cried already but the fear crystallized the tears even before they come out of my eyes. cold fear.

if i don't get to update this blog anymore, that means i've been guillotined. but if i get lucky, i'll just lose my job. darn!

it never gets easy anymore. i want my mommy! sob. sob. :(

food for thought

m so famished that my head aches already.
i dunno what's wrong with me.

i already felt the tummy need hours before.
and i know, without thinkin that i'll soon be hungry.
and i also know by experience that once i dont get the nourishment i need,
my head would be bitchin with me already.

and yet, i just continue with what im doing.
disregarding all the warning signs.
so my present predicament.

i dunno why i behave like this.
it's almost a death sentence if i continue with this eating pattern.

is it just pure laziness to go downstairs and scrounge for a meal and satiate the demands of
my complaining tummy? or a hunger strike after all the unjust things done to me by my ungrateful profession?

i think im just plain nuts.
i knowingly abuse myself.
and i have this deep-seated faith that my body

will self-heal and self-sustain.

who am i kidding?

knowing is not enough.
and faith has limits.

im soo dead! ugh!

**ramblings of a famished womyn**

a girl, a coke and a song

note:
song in the coke tv ad, w/ da gurl in red who has a case of colas in her bag :D
nde ako umiinom ng softdrinks pero i specially like dis song.
swabe lng pro may dating ;)




sana'y masabi sa awit kong ito
lahat ng ninanais nitong puso ko
sana saan man, patungo sa buhay
may pag-ibig, may pag-asa,
may saya at saysay
sana sa bawat sandali matikman pa
sarap ng pagsasama at simpleng ligaya
tara na,
sakyan lang
malay mo
andyan lang,
andyan lang
ang hinahanap mo.

quote in time

"laughter is often the best
and sometimes the only response to pain"

-bill clinton

yuppy's (young urban poor professional) tale

back to earth!

work sucks big time!
just when i've been doin' my damn best all for the love of my work, i get to be knocked down by the ultimate fact abt being a yuppy (young urban poor professional).

it's all about the dough!

i just got the big news that my salary has been slashed to half all because i failed to copy furnish the big boss' exec. asst in my mgt report for 4 friggin' days.

this implies that a day's work is broken down into two:

50% actual work w/ output (meetings, submission of deliverables, issue resolutions, sending of reports)

50% copy furnishing the EA on sending the mgt report thru email

Whatta fuckin' revelation to me! Tangina!

As was taught in UP, the corporate world doesn't just kill the activist in you -- it obliterates it!

I'm really upset right now. crushed, disgruntled and uber pissed!

heaven help me :(

I've been in series of overnight work for days now and the usual fighter in me is not up for a duel right now.
I lack the physical strength to argue and spit fire. I may feel beat, but definitely not beaten.
Tom is a day for reckoning! Tangina nyong lahat! Resbak time!

bakit ayaw ko mainlove?

kasi ayaw ko na muna mapraning
ung tipong nde lng sha magtext for a few hours e ikot n pwet ko, kakaisip kung ano na nangyayari sa kanya or kung mahal pa nya ko.

kasi ayaw ko ng obligasyon.
shempre, kakamustahin mo, kung kumain na ba, kung nakauwi ba ng safe, kung ok lng sha, kung matutulog na ba sha. magpapaalam ka sa mga lakad mo or activities mo.

kasi gusto ko magfocus sa work ko.
pg inlove ka kasi and may konti lang kayo tampuhan, apektado na work mo, kasi nde ka makaconcentrate kakaisip abt sa inyo and pano ayusin ung tampuhan/away nyo. and you have to devote time for QT (quality time), so bawas muna OT pra maka QT.

kasi gusto ko sana magtipid.
nde naman sa nagbibilang, kaso totoo namang pag inlove, magastos. kasi generous ako pg inlove.
txt galore. call galore. date galore. gift galore.
(ohshit! tunog matrona ah! wehehe)

kasi gusto ko pa magwala.
in other words, gusto ko pa mambabae! lol! :D

kasi takot pa ko masaktan.
ewankoba, andami gustong gusto na mainlove, kahit alam naman natin na nde maiiwasan ang masaktan.
kakambal na ng love ang pain.

kasi gusto ko muna mahalin sarili ko.
minsan kasi pg sobrang inlove, nalilimot ang sarili para lang sa mahal nya. swerte mo kung ang mamahalin mo ay aalagaaan ka ng husto at mas priority ang mapasaya ka.

kasi nde pa ko handa magsinungaling na naman sa pamilya ko.
dahil closet ako, madaming itatago: ang pagdedate, ang pgdeny sa kung may karelasyon ka na (kasi nde nmn nila kakayanin kahit aminin mo), kung saan lakad mo at sino kasama mo, sino kausap mo sa phone, sino nagbigay sau nyan (gifts ng mahal mo), para kanino yang binili mo, etc. magtatahi na naman ng elaborate na kasinungalingan.

kasi ayaw ko na naman umasa.
na ito na un! na magtatagal ito.

kung pdeng mamili, ayaw ko pa mainlove.
kung pdeng umiwas, ayaw ko pa mainvolve.
kung kayang bawalan ang puso, ayaw ko muna ito kumabog
kung kayang pigilan ang damdamin, ayaw ko munang umibig.

kaso nde pde, nde kaya.
so kahit ayaw ko pang mainlove, wala akong magagawa.
kundi :

-mapraning sa pag-aalala para sa minamahal.
-maging responsable nde para sa sarili lamang kundi sa kabiyak.
-matutong balansehin ang trabaho at relasyon.
-gumastos ng para sa dalawa at nde mgkwenta (kasi walang price tag ang pagmamahal).
-magwala or do wild stuff pero tangi lamang sa kasintahan.
-maging handa na masaktan at iwasang masaktan and tinatangi hanggat maaari.
-mahalin ang sarili at kapareha.
-maglihim muna sa pamilya para sa ikakapayapa ng lahat.
-umasam at pagsikapang tumagal ang pagsasama.


ayaw ko pa sanang mainlove, pero huli na.
dahil umiibig na uli ako.