Love is a Language

11.23.05
By L. A. Vess

"Love is a verb," my partner is fond of saying. It is a lovely thing to hear, but exactly does “love is a verb” actually mean? When my partner says it, she means that love is not a static thing; it changes, grows, evolves and require constant action to keep it alive. But what if love is something even more than a verb, perhaps it is a language in which the verb 'love' is just a punctuation, an exclamation point?

Out of curiosity - and on a philosophical bent - I decided to explore.

Dictionary.com was my first hit in the wonderful wild world of the Internet. These are the first three (and relevant to this discussion) definitions provided for 'love'.
"love" - noun

1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

3. Sexual passion. Sexual intercourse. A love affair.

Love as a noun is so all-encompassing. Reading this, you can only think that too much responsibility has been given to this one little four-letter word. No wonder so many people have a hard time recognizing the emotion, or believing in it or explaining it. The English language has limited a wealth of human emotion to expression in just one tiny word. You can hardly expect anyone to be able to adequately use this noun as anything more than a simplified and generalized description of a concept too vast to be truly explained by anything so small.

"love" – verb

The definitions are generally the same - except here 'love' is used toward a person or a thing rather than as a description. Hence the verb form.

Basically, "To experience deep affection or intense desire for another." On the surface, that sounds pretty good. Of course, then you have to really sit back and think how many times you say "I love soccer" or "I love beer" or "I love that I finally fixed the faucet that was dripping and driving me nuts."

How can we justify using the same word to express how we feel about beer to express an intense and powerful connection to another human being? I think we have come to far from the origins of this word.

In ancient mythology, love was a being - a God or Goddess, Eros or Venus (among a multitude of others). When the ancients spoke of 'love', I am highly doubting they used their version of the word to describe how much they enjoyed having two cows instead of just one. No, love was 'divine' and to be in love; to love or be loved - was to be touched by the divine. Not in current times - not when 'love' is used as a word to describe a lack of points in a tennis game.

Even worse, the divinity of the word 'love' has been degraded into a base usage to define simple physical acts that often have nothing to do with actual 'love'. Take WordNet's synonym list: [syn: make out, make love, sleep with, get laid, have sex, know, do it, be intimate, have intercourse, have it away, have it off, screw, fuck, jazz, eff, hump, lie with, bed, have a go at it, bang, get it on, bonk]

Now, that just makes me feel dirty to even think the word.

A friend of mine who was very bitter over a 'love' affair said one of the most amazingly contradictory phrases that really gets my point across. She said, "God, I love to hate her!" - referring to her ex-girlfriend. Several months later she pointed out a site to me, an Acronym Finder, that had created what to her was the perfect acronym for LOVE. Loss Of Valuable Energy.

We are so jaded about 'love'. With all this, is it any wonder?

So are we to give up on the term completely? Try to find some other word to express a powerful emotion that seems so difficult to tack down? Maybe go back to Greek forms or try out synonyms from native languages? Or should we just give in and accept that the word has lost all real meaning and hope that those we 'love' will understand what we are trying to say when we use it?

Love is a verb.

I have decided to choose to embrace it as such. However, not as its traditional 'verb' definition. Yes, my definition includes all of those things Mr. Webster (or Dictionary.com) says. Mine is more, however. My definition is to let the word 'love' be undefined. I refuse to impose restrictions on it or burden it with more than those little four letters can handle. I leave it up to interpretation - mine and those I give that word to. When I say 'I love you' - it is a verb, and a noun - and an exclamation point. It is just one tiny tip of an iceberg of emotion that cannot be expressed by mere words. It is only one simple word in a language that goes by the same name.

Love is a language.

Of touch, of breath, of sound and of silence. Love is a language of kisses and long, slow looks that last for hours. It is a multitude of meanings expressed in moments of unreality and reality - finishing each others' sentences and being unable to speak. Love is in laughter and in quiet tears that can't be helped when your lover is flying away for the first time. Love is all of this and all of us; and so much more - it has no limits and no firm rules or definitions. Love just is.

kwentuhan over cocktails

conversation among my womyn friends who doesn't know anythin bt my sexuality.

highly successful filipina careerwomyn:
it is so hard to find good men in the phils, i may end up being dyke soon!

well-travelled american IT professional:
(after staying for almost a yr in the phils to work)

if i stay longer in the phils, i think i'm gonna 'switch'.
there's just no good filipino men here. even the americans who go here only go here for the sex tourism.

highly successful filipina careerwomyn:
that's so true.
whenever i'm in the US, i meet so nice men (both pinoy and american).
they're just lovely. baffles me really.

proud-but-not-so-out firewomyn:
hahaha. really?
*that's all i did in the segment of that conversation:
laugh and act surprised*


hmm... if i had been out, conversation would have been like this:
:

highly successful filipina careerwomyn:
it is so hard to find good men in the phils, i may end up being dyke soon!

proud-and-out firewomyn:
oh darling! you wouldn't pass up as one! probably femme ;)

well-travelled american IT professional:
(after staying for almost a yr in the phils to work)

if i stay longer in the phils, i think i'm gonna 'switch'.
there's just no good filipino men here. even the americans who go here only go here for the sex tourism.

proud-and-out firewomyn:
well, it is not as if you can just switch to it for lack of choices.
but then you're very adventurous, so you might have fun with it.
i know i am! :)

highly successful filipina careerwomyn:
that's so true.
whenever i'm in the US, i meet so nice men (both pinoy and american).
they're just lovely. baffles me really.

proud-and-out firewomyn:
you tell me abt it! i dunno with pinoys here.
is it too much tropical heat that got into their heads or lack of iodized salt when they were young. i'm just so blessed 'cause i meet loads of interesting pinays. too much that couplehood is not the way to go here ;) wehehe.

all:
roarin laughter!

proud-and-out firewomyn:
grrls, seriously, if ur up for the switch thing, i can hook you up with some of my friends :)
*wink wink*


------
swell! ohwell, there goes vodka, swimmin in my head.

reconnecting

I miss my friends.
They've vanished same time my o2 mini's contacts got reset.
How does one reconnect?
After not hearing or seeing someone whom you've been close to before, how do you re-close to them?
Starting is always the biggest step.

It can be as awkward as, hey, how have you been doing (after i just forgot about you bec i got too busy)? Then there's a pregnant pause at the other end of the line. And you both stumble and fumble with the words.

Or it can be as honest as, i missed you. I got caught in this ungrateful thing called work, and i have not been there for you. I'm sorry (best if coupled with a hug, no tears pls, overkill!), coffee? :)

You can also try being brutally honest. But expect to be punched and kicked in the process.
Hi! (chirpy sound) You know what, i suddenly found myself with some free time (with no one to go out with) Would you believe that?! (nervous laugh). Wanna hang out? movie or something? (if you're desperate) My treat! :)


***just did this during the last 15min of my lunch break. So will hopefully continue this on my next free whatever. ***

past posts

i temporarily lost my mind for a month.
a lot of thoughts racing in my head, some luckily got recorded in my O2,
others were as fleeting as rainbows, so those bunch probably went to nowhereland. bleh!
while amazingly some tough thoughts managed to survive through my troubled brain cells' chasms. atleast bits and pieces of 'em. i hope they still make sense :D

ROCO'S FUNERAL
yep, i attended this one. i've been meaning to go see him the moment i heard of the news. then one sunday, all dressed up to meet a friend for some 'umaatikabong tsikahan and landian', my mom out of nowhere said, are you attending roco's funeral? (truly unexpected. she does this once in a while, surprising me beyond my wits that just makes me pause and utter inside, geez! really haven't figured her out after all these yrs living w/ her). dang! i totally forgot! :( it was his last day in manila then he'll be moved to bicol. since i'm already wearing black racerback sando and black sneakers w/ cutoff jeans and long beaded necklace -- nah, this will do :)

the church was full of mourners, eulogies were being read.
the night was heartwarming despite the evening chill from typhoon gorio.
saw familiar faces from media, politics, UP, film. i must tell you that i don't go to churches (last time was when gf tagged me along), much more funerals i don't even attend relatives'!). but this one, i surprised myself for even going.

ok, what did i learn attending that funeral?
for one, conrado de quiros of phil daily inquirer is a good writer indeed but a poor speaker. atleast we got a sneak of his article the next day :D

a great eulogy read was that of his campaign manager, yoly ong. twas witty! :)
if she had been atleast 5yrs younger i'd probably go after her :D hehehe.

southborder was there for the music. though didn't hear them sing.

roco is my president, my townmate, out of clan's geographic roots. i believed in him and his vision. looking at him inside the casket. he looks so fatherly :) i think i'd have no issue hugging him then. so i did the next best thing, i hugged his wife :) and thanked her for his hubby who made me believe and hope :) -august 9, 2005.


... TO BE CONTINUED ...

gusto kong yumaman!

nakakapagod nang maging mahirap. gusto ko nang yumaman. ang mga pangarap ko (na naglalaro sa isip ko) ay parang abot-kaay pero napakahirap makamit.

last year pa ko naglalaway sa portable dvd player. sa july 11 edition ng newsweek, on 'The TipSheet' section, they featured these players. 4/5 stars ang Govideo DP8240 ng CompUSA.com, pegged at $250. pde na! :)
sa sm, may appliances exhibit, shempre, parang nananadya talaga, may mga portable dvd players uli. pero puro AudioVox ang brand. 3 stars lang sha sa newsweek at tumataginting na $450 lang naman sha sa Target.com! olats!

my next burning desire is to own a laptop. may work, entertainment, social and image enhancement value sha! kung pde pa sana itong magdispense ng milo drink, self-contained na sha. panalo! :) pde ko nang i-isolate ang sarili ko at mabubuhay na ko.. wehehe :)

my gf recently sent me an email abt think pad loans from her barkada's company. tulo laway na naman ako. at dahil barkada to ng gf kong iniirog, nde dapat ako pumalpak sa paghulog. merong 6mos, 1yr, 2yrs to pay. pano if by some unfortunate event (na sana wag naman mangyari po pls!) ay nde na kme nun ng gf ko, pano na ang hulugan system?! dyahe! hmm... too risky, i won't bite this one.

pano ba nagsimula ang obsession ko sa laptop at sa kung anu-anong gadgets? ok, aamininin ko na, nagsimula ito sa inggit.

inggetera ako sa personal. hehehe :) ganyan talaga pag lumaking deprived, namamagnify ng societal bandwagon & trends (within the social circle you belong to) ang kakulangan sa buhay ko. na sa tulong ng edukasyong mulat, nagagatungan pa ng isang mabigat na tanong, 'saan ba nagkamali, at bakit kme financially challenged?' *ok, ok, 2 tanong yun.*

for the longest time, sinisisi ko ang magulang ko kung bakit kme mahirap, at siguro, sinisisi rin nila ang magulang nila. hayy... one generation of vicious cycle.

medyo may kaya sa lipunan ang pamilya ng nanay ko sa probinsya. mataas ang ranggo ng lolo ko sa militar. panahon ng giyera sa hapon, naambush ang tropa ng lolo ko. nabiyuda ang lola ko na may 3 babaeng anak. lumuwas ng maynila (sanggol pa lang ang nanay ko noon) para sumugal sa kapalaran at layasan ang marahas na alaala.

astig naman si lola, kasi nakaya nyang buhayin sila nanay. take note, iba ang 'buhayin' sa 'quality living'. i can't blame lola, panahon ng digmaan, manatiling humihinga pa lang ay pang-araw-araw na pakikipaglaban na.

ano ang nangyari sa 3 nyang anak?

nakakuha ng govt scholarship ang panganay (benepisyo mula sa pagiging anak ng militar na napatay on duty) at nagtapos ng commerce (education and commerce ang pangkaraniwang kurso noon, ngayon nursing, at nursing), nakapag-asawa ng medyo may uak at may itsura, though not necessarily mayaman. bagay naman sila, kasi si tita A ay kamukha ni susan roces (sana nag-artista na lang sya noon, patok pa sha!)

si tita B ay ndi nakapagtapos ng kolehiyo dahil umibig ng maaga at nakapag-asawa ng isang makisig at mayamang binata.

at ang nanay ko? bunsong anak, marikit na dalaga, nagtrabaho para makapagcollege, secretarial ang kurso. masyadong nalibang sa pagtatrabaho, at dahil kumikita na ng pera, huminto sa ikalawang taon nya. umibig sa binatang nagtapos ng elementary lamang, mahirap pero masipag, kamukha ng idolo nyang si victor wood at magaling magpatawa. at dahil masipag pareho, nagkaanak ng 6!

kasi palpak ang computation nila sa rhythm method. takot sa pills kasi bawal daw sabi ng simbahan, at ayaw magpa-ligate kasi may side effect daw. (hay... andaming excuses! lol!)

masipag at masikap ang mga magulang ko, pero sa opinyon ko, you'll need more than sipag to raise 6 kids! sa ganyang aspeto angat ang nanay ko. maabilidad sha. napromote na manager sa isang sikat na cosmetic company noon (opo, avon lady ang butihin kong nanay). ang tatay kong masipag, sa gitna ng tagumpay ng nanay ko ay nalulong sa kulto. (tama ang nabasa nyo, kulto, pero nde naman satanic cult, kundi, 'Ako'). sila ang nagpredict na magwawakas na ang mundo noong 80's. weird no?! (madami pang mas weird na nangyari, pero saka ko na kwento).

for the love of cult, iniwan nya ang pamilya nya. dahil nde naman nag-end of the world, nagmukmok sha sa isang kubo sa tagaytay. sa tulong ng tawas at seremonyas (pinakuluan ni nanay sa tubig ang huling damit na pinaghubaran ni tatay), nagbalik ang tatay. pero ofcourse, he's never the same again. (saka na ang madramang kwento tungkol dito, nde ko pa feel mag-emote).

dahil ok naman work ni nanay, naging complacent si tatay at nde na nagtrabaho. in short, naging tamad. si nanay ay eventually minalas at niloko ng ilang customers nya, dahilan para sha mabankrupt at makasuhan.

sa gitna ng magulong panahong ito (my own little war), masasabi ko namang swerte ako.

biniyayaan ako ni lord ng kaunting utak at feisty spirit. scholar from elem to college. nagtrabaho sa IT from the start at progressive naman ang career path. kung ano naman nangyari sa mga kapatid ko, iba pang kwento yun.

as i wrote this and reflect my family's history, these struck me:

a. nde enough na masipag ka or may utak ka or mayaman pamilya mo para magsuceed/yumaman.

b. nde rin excuse na you came from a financially struggling family not to succeed or make it big.

c. and nde masama ang mainggit. and maghangad.

i think ang magandang formula to succeed is:

utak + sipag + (motivation + goal) + swerte

utak, kasi there are many pathways to the big S, but you must strategize for the best way to achieve it. the S3 project; strategize da solution to succes.

sipag, kasi one way or the other, you have to sweat it out. energy or idea is useless until it it put into action. sa physics ko natutunan to. :)

motivation. napanood ko na to sa isang tv commercial, 'what drives you?'. pag naidentify mo na ang strongest motivation mo to a certtain goal, this will jumpstart and propel the sipag to keep on moving. sipag - (motivation + goal) is wasted effort because it is aimless.

swerte to me is inviting good karma or positive energy into your life.
i don't see swerte as something passive and you leave up for the gods to bestow on mortals. swerte is opening your life (heart, eyes, pores, mind, soul) to the goodness of life itself. swerte is not the type w/c is through the luck charmers (like a toad w/ a coin in its mouth, a figurine cat waving its paw, etc.), but more on willing the things to happen positively, through reinforcement. goodness begets goodness. as simple as smiling often, being thankful and positive thinking, i think those are sure swerte-drawer. :)

WARNING: formula not yet tested on animals, much more on humans!

but i'll be my own guinea pig on this one. afterall it's my life ;)

on utol, tropa & kwentong bebot

*title pa lang tunog pangkanto na ah! hehe. tagay nga ng gin jan! :D*

*patalastas muna*
isang maligayang bati sa utol kong tinamaan ng magaling!
*shempre mana ko dun! ;) *

kampay para sa babaeng masarap!
masara magluto
masarap magmahal
masarap kausap
masarap sumbungan
at sabi nya, masarap din tikman! bwehehe.

***************************
ok, back to original programming...

nde madami ang kaibigan ko.
nde dahil suplada ako ha (mejo maangas lng ang dating).
nde ko rin alam. basta nde ako chikadora lalo kung nde interestng kausap. and i can't fake attention (unless work related).
ang alam ko, pag nde kita gusto, nde ko kayang magbait-baitan or magpatweetums.
so pag naging magkaibigan tayo, totoo yun.
malalim. walang iwanan, unless binadtrip mo ko :D

mas madami pa kong barkadang lalaki (straight) kesa sa babae.
kahit nga may mga asawa na sila e. pro click pa rin kme. ung iba nga asa kung saang lulpalop na ng mundo. nung pinagtapat ko sa kanila na ako'y naggi-gf, nagulat sila,
pero nde nila ito kinwestyon (nde dahil parang lalaki ang trato nila sa kin pero dahil consistent lng daw un sa pagiging liberated ko on certain things.
waaaah! miss ko na barkada ko! :( sniff! sniff!
pag may pagkakataon, like asa pinas sila or asa manila or online sila, umaatikabong catching up ito. merong isang beses, na sa airport na lang kme nagkita, kasi kakabalik ko lang galing davao, habang sha naman ay pabalik naman sa malaysia.
ung isa naman, lumuwas manila from la union, then ako kakadating ko lang mla from subic. ganung tipo ang tropa ko.

merong isang insidente dati na kasama ko tropa ko, and kasama isang babaeng kakilala from college na tingin ko kinakarir ung isa kong barkada (kaso in da end ako ang niligawan). sbi nya, bat ko daw ba binabarkada mga lalaki, pano daw kme magkakadevelopan *sumthin to that effect*
pagkarining ko nun, nde ko alam kung babambuhin ko pagmumukha nyang nde kagandahan or pagtatawanan ko sha sabay duduraan. pare! utak uod! kainis! *parang nde hinubog sa UP, darn!*
so un pala ang goal nya when befriending guys?! para karirin?
siguro kaya nde ako tsika sa maraming babae, kc nde ko sila masakyan.
ung kaartehan (nung iba), ung tweetums attitude at superficial mentality.
naku! andaming ganyang nagkalat sa makati! ang sarap banlawan ng tubig na may clorox para maliwanagan. infairness, madami din namang ok at astig, kaso mas madami ang badtrip.

masakit na mata ko sa antok, i leave you all with a kickass song from a kickass girl, gwen stefani




"Just A Girl"

Take this pink ribbon off my eyes
I'm exposed
And it's no big surprise
Don't you think I know
Exactly where I stand
This world is forcing me
To hold your hand
'Cause I'm just a girl, little 'ol me
Don't let me out of your sight
I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite
So don't let me have any rights

Oh...I've had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can't do the little things I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things
That I fear

'Cause I'm just a girl I'd rather not be
'Cause they won't let me drive
Late at night I'm just a girl,
Guess I'm some kind of freak
'Cause they all sit and stare
With their eyes

I'm just a girl,
Take a good look at me
Just your typical prototype

Oh...I've had it up to here!
Oh...am I making myself clear?
I'm just a girl
I'm just a girl in the world...
That's all that you'll let me be!
I'm just a girl, living in captivity
Your rule of thumb
Makes me worry some

I'm just a girl, what's my destiny?
What I've succumbed to Is making me numb
I'm just a girl, my apologies
What I've become is so burdensome
I'm just a girl, lucky me
Twiddle-dum there's no comparison

Oh...I've had it up to!
Oh...I've had it up to!!
Oh...I've had it up to here!

pasaway

may pasaway na rally.
kaya may pasaway na noypi.

kung ndi lang ako nakaputi,
sumampa rin ako ng alang paki.

dedma na kung mahuli.
e sa ako'y nagmamadali!

isa na lang ang masasabi.
pag bawal lalong sumisigi.

kasi makulit ang lahi!
pano, pinoy kasi!

:p

shot glass

3 glasses of water for 2.

was having dinner w/ my gf.
ordered food and water.
i specifically said w/o ice.
then came 2 glasses w/ ice.
i retold my instructions.
got it right the second time.
food came ages after.
amused myself w/ this shot from my phone.

buntis ka ba?

i have always been slim since as far back as i can remember.
but recently, with lack of exercise and all techie work (sitting and pounding on the keyboards, hours of meetings sitting down) and a stimulated appetite influenced by my gf, i've grown fats.

yes, fats, as in flabs, centered on the tummy.
actually, i don't mind. my only concern is i tire easily. the farthest i walk (w/c can pass up as workout to me) is from one end of my ofc to the other.

ok, so i have some tummy flabs, no big deal to me. i've always wanted to be fuller in a way.
so while i'm celebrating my newfound fats, i didn't realize my mom's going berserk abt it!

monday:
mom: nagkakapuson ka na saka bilbil.
me: ainako! wala na kasi exercise.

tuesday:
mom: lumalaki yata tyan mo, saka puwet mo. hmmm ... baka buntis ka ha?
me: nyeh! lagi lang kasi ako nakaupo at nagcocomputer. sus!

wednesday:
mom: ang lakas mo na kumain ... tumatakaw ka ...
me: shempre, pagod e. pagkain na lang ang panlaban ko.

thursday:
mom: ang sikip na ng pantalon mo sau. baka may laman na yang tyan mo...
me: ma, kung gusto nyo magpacheckup tayo para matahimik na kau. pro kau magbayad ha, kasi kau naman tong nagdududa.

friday (at da mall):
sis: sabi ni mama, lumalaki daw tyan mo, baka buntis ka daw ... *hesitant, takot kasi sa kin to kasi mas matanda ako*
me: ainako, isa ka pa! masama ba tumaba? nakakainis naman sa bahay.

saturday:
*nagutom ako, kaya nagmidnight milo ako ska wheat bread.*

mom: gabi na, kakain ka pa. bakit anlakas mo na kumain?
me: *pissed* e kasi buntis ako. *nguya ng tinapay*
mom: sabi ko na nga ba! tapos ayaw mo pa aminin! *hysterics*
me: *wtf?!* nyeh! as in naniwala naman kayo?! sinabi ko lang yun kasi isang linggo nyo na kong sinasabihan tungkol sa buntis na yan. sabi nang nde, ayaw maniwala.
mom: araw-araw ba?
me: o cge, every other day.
*singit si sis*
sis: oo ma, lagi nyo na lang sya sinisita.
mom: *nde aamin shempre, biglang magkaka-amnesia* pAra tinatanong lang, masama na ba magtanong?
me: pero nde naman kayo naniniwala kahit ilang beses ko nang sinabi na nde. pero isang beses ko lang sinabi na oo, as a joke, naniwala naman agad kayo. what do you mean by that?
mom: wala. *tahimik na.*
me: *i rest my case, akyat na ng kwarto to text gf para mgsumbong*

... the next day, 4am...
my sister woke me up, mom was having hypertension attack. but the catch is, my mom specifically said to my sister that she wants me to be the one to bring her to the ER.

shempre, badtrip pa kaya ako nun, pero bilang butihing tomgrrl na anak, sinamahan ko sya. pro nde ako umiimik sa buong byahe.

timing naman sa ER, may nadead na lalaki so while i was waiting, mega atungal ang kanyang mga kaanak. hay sadness na creepy ng slight.

so after waiting for 2 hrs, da doc talked to me.

doc: i don't see anything wrong w/ your mom. ecg is normal, she seems ok, but her highblood pressure is still high. i think something is bothering her. she's havin' an anxiety attack.
me: ugh!

sheesh! neat huh? so how can i even argue with her abt anything? when i can always be defeated by her mom superiority and psychosomatic anxiety attacks?
if only circumstances were normal our conversation would simply be like:

monday:
mom: nagkakapuson ka na saka bilbil.
me: ainako! wala na kasi exercise.

tuesday:

mom: lumalaki yata tyan mo, saka puwet mo. hmmm ... baka buntis ka ha?
me: nyeh! pano naman ako mabubuntis ng gf ko? sus! kain na lang tayo. :D

surprise! surprise!

my gf recently had her bday.
since i can't think of any gift to give her and she surprised me with a bouquet of flowers on my bday, i wanted to do the same, but not flowers.
**i don't know what it is with butches and flowers, they just don't mix! ;)

pressed for time, what i did is order yellow cab pizza to her ofc.
being a good gf as i am, i have no idea what floor she is in! i had to check the net then make phone calls abt it.

i collaborated with our admin people on how to go abt this, bec the plan is that they deliver the pizzas in my ofc first so i can pay for them, then they deliver it to her ofc.

i think it was pretty straight forward.
i went with my usual stuff. after hrs, i noticed that it's past 4pm already and their ofc ends 5pm! *panic mode!* whatever happened to the pizza?!

i called our admin officer abt it and she forgot abt it. we called yellow cab, and guess what -- they delivered it already!
wherethehell did they send it to, bec i sure hell didn't receive nor pay for anything yet!

as if on cue, my gf sent me a text msg, asking for the surname of our admin officer.
*you guessed it right!*
to my horror, it was delivered straight to their ofc!

omg! i'm having a heart attack!

i need not ask, she paid for the pizza i was to surprise her with!
i didn't have the guts to reply to her text.
instead, i called yellow cab and barked at them for their major screw up!
**i have to blame somebody, anybody! to make me feel less of a fool**
can't people follow simple instructions?!
i was furious! and soo embarrassed at the same time.
there's too many emotions in me but my voice is just one high pitch althroughout.
as a consolation, they sent me a free pizza.
syet! after naming magsigawan?! feeling ko may lason sya, so sa team ko sya pinakain. :D
**as of this writing, buhay pa naman sila.**

anyway, pagod na ko. sa galit and frustrations. so to cut the awful story short,
me and my gf had a field day laughing at my mistake :
and i of course can't help but be uber pissed abt the whole thing.
in between being pikon and laughing, I can't help but think how nuts i am with this gf of mine ;)

what's good abt messing up is you can make it up next time :
i personally like any phrase coined with "make".
kiss and make up, make do, make magic, and shempre, make love :p
ito ang tunay na hapi na, birthday pa! solbs! ;)

3 poems for da womyn in my mind

Haze
by Fran Ng (2003)

we collide on purpose
not our own
leaping
into orange.

then i am red
and you are yellow
circling
a solitary fever.

we make
rings of fire
in dim spaces
stroking time

where i am red
and you are yellow
and when we meet
we set ourselves on fire.

Hunger

by bino a. realuyo (2003)

this poem must be written now, on this hour,
this one sitting, the sudden rush of thought -- of you.

you again: my charcoal drawings in the air,
dance of limbs, not seen but smelled,

images forming from a verge of thought --
a scent of another sunday full of longing for food.

to eat breakfast, alone, and to know that i
have cooked for you once: eggs, pancakes, honey,

that i have eaten not only what i made but
also you; you, tasting better each time i swallowed.

your taste, a disappearing act, the fear of knowing
that you will be yesterday's dish, a name in a book

of the forgotten, the silent partner that ate off my plate,
the one who watched me cook, naked in hunger.

live poem

by anna bernaldo (2003)

"love is always a choice," my mother always says,
but this time her spatula did not point
pragmatically in my direction.
it stirred silence on the boiling broth,
ripples matching the excited rhythm
of the tv sports abchor's voice
in a basketball game my father is watching.

now that i'm older, i'm forced to reconsider
you and my fixation on the addams couple
as our role models forever.
one always hungry for the other.

i never listened to my mother,
but everyday i see her.
and i'm older and love must be domestic,
responsible, sensible as a haircut in summer.

is it possible for us to make something more
out of what we are about to have?
of course, you do not know.
even i do not know.
why did i even begin asking questions?

i just wanted to write you a love poem
but i can only live one for you.

whatta predicament!

kerida-wannabe: firewomyn ... gusto talaga kita .. kahit kabit lang payag ako ...
firewomyn: seryoso ka?
kerida-wannabe: seryoso.
firewomyn: you deserve more.
kerida-wannabe: kaya nga, i deserve you.
firewomyn: what do you mean?
kerida-wannabe: sinabi ko na sayo di ba? i love you ... i just want to love you ... kahit yun na lang.
firewomyn: may gf na ko. i love her. i'm committed to her. i don't want a kerida. i don't want you to be a kerida. i care for you. but i can't give you what you want or need.
kerida-wannabe: i never asked naman on what i want or need di ba?
firewomyn: im gonna hurt you again..
kerida-wannabe: you won't hurt me.. this is my choice.
kerida-wannabe: i want you to stay ... mahal kita e.
firewomyn: stay as what?
kerida-wannabe: the special friendship, special feeling, basta yun.
firewomyn: ok. but accept the fact that i love my gf so much and i'm happy with her. and you are a special friend to me :)
kerida-wannabe: you love her so much?
firewomyn: yes.
kerida-wannabe: pasensha ka na makulit ako. ang kabaliwan ko umaandar na naman :) i'm happy for you. i'm happy that you're inlove with your gf ... she's really damn lucky to have you ...
firewomyn: thanks.
kerida-wannabe: i really want you to be my girl, pero nde na ata talaga pwede :(
firewomyn: friends?
kerida-wannabe: friendly love? mahirap ata yun. nurtured kasi emotions ko for you... i'm happy abt it.
firewomyn: thanks for the love. i consider it a gift :)
kerida-wannabe: oo, gift sha... wala na sanang bawian ng regalo. hehehe.. :)
firewomyn: why me?
kerida-wannabe: i can't find the reason why i feel this way about you ... and as i look for that reason, i find myself back to you ... i'm inlove with you..

**i feel humbled to be showered with such emotional depth and selflessness. i can't match that. but she will definitely be on queue if ever (a big IF) i end up being single again! she's so darn sweet and syrupy. i feel like butter melting on a hot toast. but since 'naipalaman' na ko sa ibang tinapay (wehehe), nde na pde. hay buhay... may 2 pairs nga ng lips e, sna ang puso dinalawa na din. lech! :p**

raining womyn

rainy season is bringing me loads of stuff to think about (read: temptations).

**context: we used to have this 'thing' going on between us, but then i got myself a gf, so the 'thing' stopped.

we've been good friends since then, minus the mush & uhh.. sexual undertones.

i thought all the boundaries are clear. then this:

context: we're gona go to a gimik, im gona pick her up, then meet our other frends.

...
gf-wannabe: would you go out with me?
firewomyn: err, susunduin na nga kita e.
gf-wannabe: that's not what i mean.
firewomyn: *scratches head* huh? then what do you mean?
gf-wannabe: would you make love to me?
firewomyn: *gulp! throws cold water on my face*
firewomyn: No.
gf-wannabe:: ok, forget i asked.
...

sheesh! it feels like my summer is just starting.
there's so much heat around me. and i feel the fire.
if i were only single i would have agreed or i might have even initiated! lol! :)
sigh. trying times.

da return of da first gf!

remember da 1st gf?
do you ever forget da first gf?
twas 2yrs ago since we fell (in and out of love).
prior to my gf now, sha ang pinakamahal ko sa lahat.
sa kanya rin ako dinugo sa sama ng loob.
actually, 1 yr after the terrible breakup e para na naman shang singaw na nagparamdam.
mejo emosyunal kme, so nagkaiyakan.
and i must admit nun ko lng sha naintindihan.
out of nowhere she tells you that she loves you still.
confusing times, kasi asa bakasyon nun ang gf ko.

and eto na naman sha.
telling me iloveyous again, and
asking me these q's:

1stgf: hey
1stgf: love you love you
firewomyn: ung love you ba na yan, frendly love lng
1stgf: bsta ilove you
1stgf: nun pa man love na kita
firewomyn: ok, frendly love. salamat po :)
1stgf: mahal na mhal mo na ba ang gf mo?
firewomyn: yes
1stgf: ready ka na sa tanong ko
firewomyn: ?
firewomyn: quiz contest b to?
firewomyn: :D
1stgf: haha
1stgf: halimbawa umuwi ako, tpos ala ka namang partner, consider mo kaya ako
firewomyn: tapos single k din?
1stgf: syempre and as in dyan na talga ako
firewomyn: for good?
1stgf: uhuh
1stgf: my mom wants me back
1stgf: gusto nya dyan na ko at ala daw mag-aalaga sa knya
firewomyn: so isa kang caregiver
1stgf: pinag-iisipan ko. kesa kung dito naman ako parang lang nngyayari skin. kuya ko gsto rin ako dyan
firewomyn: ang tanong -- gusto mo b dito?
1stgf: mahal ko ang mama ko
1stgf: mtagal ko nang gusto dyan
firewomyn: follow wer ur heart is
firewomyn: dats wer happiness is daw
1stgf: khit meron k na, gusto parin kitang mkita
1stgf: minsan naisip ko bulagain ka na lang sa trabaho mo
1stgf: gusto kong mlaman kung ano magiging reaction mo
1stgf: sapakin mo kaya ako
firewomyn: bat ko nmn sasapakin ang babaeng minahal ko ska nagpaiyak sa ken?
firewomyn: *laughs*
firewomyn: to answer ur Q kanina, yes. id consider it.
1stgf: ilalagay ko sa isip ko yan
firewomyn: sure
1stgf: 2 days ago binasa ko ilan sa mga usapan ntin sa net, yung emails mo at emails ko
firewomyn: wow!
firewomyn: almost 2yrs ago n un ah
1stgf: alam mo khit meron ka na hihingan pa rin kita na kahit sandaling oras lang pra mayakap at mkiss
firewomyn: pag-usapan natin pg andito ka na
1stgf: sana maabot kita
1stgf: sana kaya kong ilevel srili ko syo
firewomyn: 5'3 lng ako
firewomyn:: kayang kayang abutin!
1stgf: haha


**days after, she sent me a pic of her donned in bikinis. gulp! she looks hot! :p i think she's seducing me. heaven help me! :D *

womyn in my mind

i'm so tired and sleepy that i want to spend the remaining coherent awake thoughts (before i faint from exhaustion) to pleasant ones. so here goes.

to the womyn in my mind.

sure, there's an ocean of women out there and it is soo easy to just have a taste and philander.
i'm a sucker for sexy, kick-ass, smart, sporty womyn who has an artist in them.

my reality check is just this: i think of what will happen if i get caught and if my gf finds out and if i can bear it if she leaves me bec i fucked up big time.
and it becomes crystal clear to me,
who is the only one who can make me leave the ofc early,
whom i won't replace for anybody else for some existential kicks or momentary itch,
whom i would be begging to win back if ever (with tears and kneeling to boot),
who i really want to hangout with in any kind of gimik,
who makes me feel loved and grounded,
who makes everything better for me,
who brings me food at the ofc everytime i stay late, and
who patiently waits (for hours!) for me from work just so we go home together and spend some quality time even for just an hr,
who is crazy for me and i'm also crazy with.

and then, i'm not confused anymore :)
and i know i'm right where i want to be,
in the arms of my wonderwomyn :)

good night! :)

sleep of the tongue

enough of the professional angst!
after a long, long while, i had more than 6hrs sleep!

when i looked at myself in the mirror,
i think my skin rested well, they look relaxed :)
although my body's craving for a few more hours of deprived sleep!

when i checked my celphone, i had 7 unread messages!
most of which came from my bestfriend.
all forwarded messages!
bordering from the religious to the obscene. lol! :)
so unlikely of him.
he must miss his missable bestfriend already :D
he's been asking me for some lunch-cum-chikahan galore,
w/c i've been declining.
bec either im still at home catching up w/ sleep
or i have tons of urgent work to do (it's always urgent! dang!).

i think that is the role of bosses,
to give you loads of tasks, w/ unrealistic timelines/deadlines,
and to blame you for expectedly being delayed.
in short, bosses are here to make my life hell!

my mom has never adjusted to the advent of wonder bras.
everytime i wear one and she sees me, she always comments:
"parang lumaki ang boobs mo ..."

**i'm sure she's thinking of other sleazy reasons that involve men. give me a break!**

"ma, padding lang yan."

of course, she's not convinced.
mothers are mandated to doubt their children.
and they can smell lies 5 meters away.
geez! such enhanced sensory!
they shd hire moms in the fbi!

as a footnote (meaning last note. hehe.),
i was horrified to find out that my devil-in-disguise-pseudo boss
likes working with me a lot!
those were the pseudo boss' very words.
i cringed when i saw that line.
s/he's not bobo, so i dunno why the hell s/he said that to me (not verbally.
i think i won't be able to hide my disgust if it was ever face-to-face).
if that's an attempt to lure me to soften my stance,
beat it buster! in your rotten dreams!

impyernong buhay to!

sobrang galit ko now,
nde ko makuhang magwala.
pero ngrerebolusyon na sa dibdib ko.
pde pala ung ganun.
too much anger it paralyzes you.

imagine this.
mother's day, ur asked to report to work for 9pm.
then natapos nyo na ung primary problem, pero nakahostage pa rin kau.
5am ka na umuwi.
then may mtg daw ng 1pm.
2hrs away ka lang nmn sa ofc.
so pagdating ng ofc,
moved ang mtg to 3pm.
ang mtg ngstart ng 4pm.
natapos ng ... brace urself... 9pm!
and to think nag-ot na ko sa ofc ng sabado ha.
then dahil bangag pa ko, inisip ko nang umuwi ng 10:30pm.
kasi nakapagstatus check na ko sa team ko.
at ang gf ko kaninang 6pm pa ko inaantay.
kc today is our first year since we met. *magkaibigan pa lang kme nun*
mejo monumental importance.
kaso, before pa ko makalabas ng pintuan, nasunog ang pintuan kya nde na ko makalabas.
sinunog ng dimonyo kong ewan.
sabi nya, nde pa daw pde umuwi kasi may gagawin pa daw.
sha nga daw nde pa uuwi.
*e ano naman pakialam ko sa buhay mo?!*
sha ay sa makati lng naman nakatira.
may personal driver.
at walang lovelife!
ainako!
palibhasa walang jowa,
kaya ung may mga natitirang social life, dinadamay!
so habang ngumunguya ako ng bubblegum at naninigas na panga ko sa pagpipigil,
nakatitig lang ako sa mukha nya
habang sa isip ko sinapak ko na sha.
naramdaman ko na lang nanigas ang dibdib ko.
at lumakas kamao ko.
npadasal na lang ako bago pa ko makapatay...

"god, pls don't give me strength.
because if you do, i might kill my pseudo-boss!"

quote in the moment

"make-up sex is worth fighting for."

-the wedding date

self-destruction

im intentionally not doing things right.
im in a rebellious mode.
i want to prove a point.
you can get angry all you want.
that makes us even.
bec im angry too.
and i will keep doing this until you get the point.

labor day ex-perience

when do you know when your ex is already your friend?
i don't know.
all i know is that when i needed to obtain an elusive WindowsXP 64Bit installer,
ex was the one who rescued me.
after being bombarded with calls from the almighty bosses over the weekend,
and dispersing my team to do the hunt,
i suddenly remembered that ex once consulted me months ago abt the appropriate motherboard and processor for the WindowsXP 64Bit stuff.
Just one phone call and the search has ended.
The catch though is i have to pick it up from her home, in the suburbs.

Flashback: the first and last time i went to her house was leap year last year.
i made a surprise leap visit to her place to commemorate the feb29 event.


a year after, i still know how to go to her house.
we haven't seen each in a long while.
so there, seeing her that weekend afternoon, with the dusk wind blowing our hair and some fireworks on the sky, standing on the street.
same scent, same look. same thoughts. i missed her :)