tired and tested

i'm so tired to a point of unhappiness. like it's all not worth it. my spinal column feels like crumbling and i don't even have osteoporosis.

so i learned today that caring is painful too. the nagging question remains, "is all the sacrifice worth it?"

i've been genetically developed to pay my blood with obligations, been breastfed with indebtedness, to which i rebelled against countless times. but here i am, killing myself to provide for the family that barely raised me.

why is a typical filipino life story always marred with sacrifice? why don't we find worth/heroism in just being?

i love my family. but i want to love myself too. why can't i have both?

i am a confetti now. torn, ripped in more than a hundred ways. so much that i think i don't know myself anymore.

i am a confetti that gives in to pressure, floats to where the wind commands me to, can be stomped on anytime.

i've been torn, ripped, beaten in more than a hundred ways. i am flat on my face, and i am tired.


Té la mà Maria - Reus said...

very good blog, congratulations
regard from Reus Catalonia
thank you

_yle said...

I'm really curious so pardon me for asking, ilan kayong magkakapatid at ilang taon na ang mga kapatid mo? I would appreciate it if instead of saying it's none of my business (even if it's true) you don't reply at all if you think it's too personal. But a reply would be great.

Anonymous said...

hay sister.. i could feel your pain.. i had been thru what you are going thru.. prayers lang ang katapat nyan.. and the knowledge that it will soon pass.. believe me it will..(then the cycle begins again) hehehe...unless you leave your place or the people there learn na hindi ka naman kalabaw..cheer up all is not lost.. isipin mo na lang kung wala ka jan, ma mimeet mo ba ang labopyorlyf? pera lang yan, kikitain mo naman yan kahit paano..but save some for yourself..at syempre, later on when you need an extra atay or bone marrow, me ka match ka kaagad...twistedhalo

firewomyn said...

@Reus Catalonia - thanks for the compliment. i checked yours and it's very nice. now it seems i have reason to learn Spanish. =)

@_yle -didn't curiosity killed someone? madami kaming magkakapatid. hehe. lamunaman noon, investment ang maraming anak. is your name ely?

@TwistedHalo - thanks for your twisted brand of encouragement. i keep forgetting about my "atay". hehe. that's the thing, pera lang, but then i'm wasting my body for it. anyhoo, maybe i just need rest.

_yle said...

The underscore is another vowel so a better guess would be "Kyle". But no, it's not Kyle.

I'm not a cat so I can be curious without worrying about my demise. :)

_yle said...

Did I just say vowel? I meant consonant. :)

firewomyn said...

@_yle - I see. Speaking of vowel/consonant mix up, let me also correct my statement, "didn't curiosity kill someone?". was initially "killed". =) whatever your name is, thanks for the time to read my rants. Hehe. Your blog is pretty neat. Am a film buff so I like your mini-reviews.

Anonymous said...

i think life in general is about balance... may ganun? hahaha... you have a choice... saka baka naman madaan sa mabuting usapan... cheer up! life is still beautiful... a mixture of sweet, sour, bitter, spicy moments... leave something for yourself so that you'll have something to look forward to... - knowmehateme

Joy-Joy said...

sa mahihirap na pamilya, children are viewed as investment. na parang obligasyon ng mga anak na hilahin ang pamilya sa kahirapan. nakakapagod na nga. panganay ako at pareho tayo ng nararamdaman.


_yle said...

Thank you so much for correcting the grammar slip. See, it was so blatantly wrong it kinda hurt my eyes when I read it. I was confused because I couldn't believe it came from the same person writing the entries. So again, thank you. :)

I <3 your blog and I hope you blog forever. ;)

firewomyn said...

@knowmehateme - agree with balance, the flavorful moments, beauty in life & saving up. For the scared, they would appear as big words. But am not, just tired. :-) thanks for your nuggets of wisdom. Appreciate 'em. If I were to guess your profession based on your comment, I'd say you're a gymnast/chef/artist/economist. Hehe.

@joyjoy - *hugs* great expectations no? Sana nga maiahon natin mula sa kahirapan at hindi tayo ang mahila sa mas malalim na kahirapan. Kaya natin to! Walang sukuan ha? :-)

@_yle - I know! I was aghast when I noticed it. Sorry about that. My chest tightens when I chance upon those types of slips. I'm tap dancing between seriously blogging on weekends only so that I have time to review/edit versus squeezing in blog posts within the week (with little to no time to edit). Thoughts?

_yle said...

You should blog whenever you can. If you can only blog on the weekends then so be it. No pressure. :) Btw great job on your train crush series. Since I don't have to ride the train I can't start one. It would be more of a cab crush series but then all you'll ever see are handsome cab drivers. And I've been employed for 2 years now and I have never seen one. :|

firewomyn said...

@_yle - because of your comment, i posted Train Crush7 =) good luck on your cab crush! :D maybe street crush? been considering that since makati is soo sex in the city. we'll see.

Anonymous said...

kailangan mo lang ng tootoot ulit, i think. hehehe. there are times you get an energy boost instead of getting tired from it. hehehe :) di ba, nasa studies pampaalis ng stress? sabi at least once a week gawin. hehehe. suggestion lang para mabawasan ang stress na yan :)

- the anonymous

Anonymous said...

hmmm... i dont think i mentioned the word "scared" on my comment... baka iba yun hahaha... sa dami siguro ng nagbabasa ng blog mo o baka may ibang gumagamit ng nick ko na knowmehateme... hmmm... makapaglagay nga pic ko hahaha... anyway, my profession is nowhere near the ones that you mentioned hahaha... wish ko lang isa ako sa mga nabanggit mo hehehe gymnast/chef/artist/economist... dont guess... sasabihin ko na... ang trabaho ko eh sex slave ng gf kong mahilig hahaha... joke... seriously... im not in any of those field... im just a lowly call center agent pero walang aids o hiv ('',) - knowmehateme

firewomyn said...

@the anonymous - you know, you may be right huh. i miss gf actually, haven't seen her in like, hours. hehe. but if one's soo tired, it's challenging to perform also :D thanks for the tip! do remind me always on that, tutut is the universal panacea to stress. wehehe.

@knowmehateme - the word "scared" came from moi :) i opined that the big words may scare some. just that. and you're the only knowmehateme in my blog ;)

soo.. you're a call girl. neat! i actually want to venture into that just to acquire foreign accent. hehe. don't dub it lowly, i dub thee "in demand". =)