5.16.2010

wedding

I said I'll write tom, but I just want to spill now.

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Just got home from a cousin's wedding. Everybody's asking when will I go next? As if it's some queue everyone has to pass thru. They had an AVP of the couple's history. And in my mind, my own history's playing, my childhood, till gf and I met and our happy "hidden" pictures. My happiness for the couple slowly got replaced by sadness as the reality of my not having my own wedding becomes clear. I'm picturing my homophobic clan on one side in the reception venue and my gay friends on the other, with my gay-friendly lot in between. I would most def wear a gown, my gf, am not sure yet. I'll mix it with purple. We'd look gorgeous. The mood will be festive, it will be fun, everybody will be game. Everyone will for once be open and accepting. We'll have wine and dancing and singing too.

This is the literal "dream" wedding. I said I was sad because my dream's chance is bleak for now. God I want to get married. If I can, I would in a heartbeat. But painfully I can't, not just yet. I look at my mom, my sisters and how they don’t have an inkling of my heart's longing, well at least not the way they're envisioning it for me. I can always reason, it's my life, my wedding. But I want my family to be there, happy for me, happy and at peace with my decision. Which they can't be as long as they wear their homophobia as second skin.


I'm tired. Family affairs are always tiresome, haggard even. More so if you're in a constant grind to try to wed love for family and love for who you are, personal freedom and family peace.I'm tired, but I'll continue trying.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

you want beer? (taps you in the back)

quoting from Monica (friends)
"I don't want a wedding. I want a marriage." =)

- EphemeralBLiss

firewomyn said...

@EphemeralBliss - thanks. i don't drink beer, pde vodka cruiser red na lang? :) seriously.

of course i want marriage, the works! i wana be drunken-insanely inlove :)

Anonymous said...

weddings are overrated.. hahaha..i would write a longer comment sana, kaya lang..baka tired ka na magbasa..bukas na lang.. at vodka sprite for me..twistedhalo..p.s. kulang ang hula mo.. kulang ng P7.50 pamasahe from caloocan..

Anonymous said...

Naka-relate naman ako sa post mo. Di rin ako out sa family ko eh. =(

firewomyn said...

@TwistedHalo - haha. natawa naman ako. at naexcite! sana matuloy na ang inuman na to ha. i agree about overrated. kahit nga relationships overrated e.

isang byahe pa? balintawak ba or manynila? wag mo na ko pahirapan.

@Anonymous - wag na tayo malungkot, kaya natin to. our coming out party will happen soon. :) *hugs*

Anonymous said...

anong inuman? i don't drink.. hahaha..alam mo i am happy to have found your blog, at least me na rerelate-an ako kahit papaano.. madami kasi ang hindi out sa atin, tulad ni anonymous above..so bilib ako sa iyo (klap..klap) since thru this you are able to serve as a forum for views and ideas.. ay di bagay sa akin ang serious!!...twistedhalo o hala, absolut ba or stolichnaya?

firewomyn said...

Hindi ko na nahintay, nagvodka cruiser na ko ngayon at badtrip na buhay to. mahirap maging mahirap. hayy... kampay!

firewomyn said...

@TwistedHalo/Anonymous - sa lahat ng anonymous, ikaw ang may pangalan. hehe. salamat naman at may silbi ang mga sintimyento ko sa buhay. natutuwa din ako at may mga virtual friends ako dito. sana balang araw magkita-kita tayo at nang matuloy na ang vodka-theme meet up na yan/ =)

Anonymous said...

sorry fire I just saw you accepted my invi, unfortunately I'm on drugs now na hindi pwede humalo sa alkohol lol. pagmagaling nako sige magvodka tayo :) - EphemeralBliss

firewomyn said...

@EphemeralBliss - kaw talaga, andaming variation na ng vodka napag-planuhan namin tapos hindi ka pala pwede. hehe. pagaling ka po! =)