whatta predicament!

kerida-wannabe: firewomyn ... gusto talaga kita .. kahit kabit lang payag ako ...
firewomyn: seryoso ka?
kerida-wannabe: seryoso.
firewomyn: you deserve more.
kerida-wannabe: kaya nga, i deserve you.
firewomyn: what do you mean?
kerida-wannabe: sinabi ko na sayo di ba? i love you ... i just want to love you ... kahit yun na lang.
firewomyn: may gf na ko. i love her. i'm committed to her. i don't want a kerida. i don't want you to be a kerida. i care for you. but i can't give you what you want or need.
kerida-wannabe: i never asked naman on what i want or need di ba?
firewomyn: im gonna hurt you again..
kerida-wannabe: you won't hurt me.. this is my choice.
kerida-wannabe: i want you to stay ... mahal kita e.
firewomyn: stay as what?
kerida-wannabe: the special friendship, special feeling, basta yun.
firewomyn: ok. but accept the fact that i love my gf so much and i'm happy with her. and you are a special friend to me :)
kerida-wannabe: you love her so much?
firewomyn: yes.
kerida-wannabe: pasensha ka na makulit ako. ang kabaliwan ko umaandar na naman :) i'm happy for you. i'm happy that you're inlove with your gf ... she's really damn lucky to have you ...
firewomyn: thanks.
kerida-wannabe: i really want you to be my girl, pero nde na ata talaga pwede :(
firewomyn: friends?
kerida-wannabe: friendly love? mahirap ata yun. nurtured kasi emotions ko for you... i'm happy abt it.
firewomyn: thanks for the love. i consider it a gift :)
kerida-wannabe: oo, gift sha... wala na sanang bawian ng regalo. hehehe.. :)
firewomyn: why me?
kerida-wannabe: i can't find the reason why i feel this way about you ... and as i look for that reason, i find myself back to you ... i'm inlove with you..

**i feel humbled to be showered with such emotional depth and selflessness. i can't match that. but she will definitely be on queue if ever (a big IF) i end up being single again! she's so darn sweet and syrupy. i feel like butter melting on a hot toast. but since 'naipalaman' na ko sa ibang tinapay (wehehe), nde na pde. hay buhay... may 2 pairs nga ng lips e, sna ang puso dinalawa na din. lech! :p**

raining womyn

rainy season is bringing me loads of stuff to think about (read: temptations).

**context: we used to have this 'thing' going on between us, but then i got myself a gf, so the 'thing' stopped.

we've been good friends since then, minus the mush & uhh.. sexual undertones.

i thought all the boundaries are clear. then this:

context: we're gona go to a gimik, im gona pick her up, then meet our other frends.

...
gf-wannabe: would you go out with me?
firewomyn: err, susunduin na nga kita e.
gf-wannabe: that's not what i mean.
firewomyn: *scratches head* huh? then what do you mean?
gf-wannabe: would you make love to me?
firewomyn: *gulp! throws cold water on my face*
firewomyn: No.
gf-wannabe:: ok, forget i asked.
...

sheesh! it feels like my summer is just starting.
there's so much heat around me. and i feel the fire.
if i were only single i would have agreed or i might have even initiated! lol! :)
sigh. trying times.

da return of da first gf!

remember da 1st gf?
do you ever forget da first gf?
twas 2yrs ago since we fell (in and out of love).
prior to my gf now, sha ang pinakamahal ko sa lahat.
sa kanya rin ako dinugo sa sama ng loob.
actually, 1 yr after the terrible breakup e para na naman shang singaw na nagparamdam.
mejo emosyunal kme, so nagkaiyakan.
and i must admit nun ko lng sha naintindihan.
out of nowhere she tells you that she loves you still.
confusing times, kasi asa bakasyon nun ang gf ko.

and eto na naman sha.
telling me iloveyous again, and
asking me these q's:

1stgf: hey
1stgf: love you love you
firewomyn: ung love you ba na yan, frendly love lng
1stgf: bsta ilove you
1stgf: nun pa man love na kita
firewomyn: ok, frendly love. salamat po :)
1stgf: mahal na mhal mo na ba ang gf mo?
firewomyn: yes
1stgf: ready ka na sa tanong ko
firewomyn: ?
firewomyn: quiz contest b to?
firewomyn: :D
1stgf: haha
1stgf: halimbawa umuwi ako, tpos ala ka namang partner, consider mo kaya ako
firewomyn: tapos single k din?
1stgf: syempre and as in dyan na talga ako
firewomyn: for good?
1stgf: uhuh
1stgf: my mom wants me back
1stgf: gusto nya dyan na ko at ala daw mag-aalaga sa knya
firewomyn: so isa kang caregiver
1stgf: pinag-iisipan ko. kesa kung dito naman ako parang lang nngyayari skin. kuya ko gsto rin ako dyan
firewomyn: ang tanong -- gusto mo b dito?
1stgf: mahal ko ang mama ko
1stgf: mtagal ko nang gusto dyan
firewomyn: follow wer ur heart is
firewomyn: dats wer happiness is daw
1stgf: khit meron k na, gusto parin kitang mkita
1stgf: minsan naisip ko bulagain ka na lang sa trabaho mo
1stgf: gusto kong mlaman kung ano magiging reaction mo
1stgf: sapakin mo kaya ako
firewomyn: bat ko nmn sasapakin ang babaeng minahal ko ska nagpaiyak sa ken?
firewomyn: *laughs*
firewomyn: to answer ur Q kanina, yes. id consider it.
1stgf: ilalagay ko sa isip ko yan
firewomyn: sure
1stgf: 2 days ago binasa ko ilan sa mga usapan ntin sa net, yung emails mo at emails ko
firewomyn: wow!
firewomyn: almost 2yrs ago n un ah
1stgf: alam mo khit meron ka na hihingan pa rin kita na kahit sandaling oras lang pra mayakap at mkiss
firewomyn: pag-usapan natin pg andito ka na
1stgf: sana maabot kita
1stgf: sana kaya kong ilevel srili ko syo
firewomyn: 5'3 lng ako
firewomyn:: kayang kayang abutin!
1stgf: haha


**days after, she sent me a pic of her donned in bikinis. gulp! she looks hot! :p i think she's seducing me. heaven help me! :D *

womyn in my mind

i'm so tired and sleepy that i want to spend the remaining coherent awake thoughts (before i faint from exhaustion) to pleasant ones. so here goes.

to the womyn in my mind.

sure, there's an ocean of women out there and it is soo easy to just have a taste and philander.
i'm a sucker for sexy, kick-ass, smart, sporty womyn who has an artist in them.

my reality check is just this: i think of what will happen if i get caught and if my gf finds out and if i can bear it if she leaves me bec i fucked up big time.
and it becomes crystal clear to me,
who is the only one who can make me leave the ofc early,
whom i won't replace for anybody else for some existential kicks or momentary itch,
whom i would be begging to win back if ever (with tears and kneeling to boot),
who i really want to hangout with in any kind of gimik,
who makes me feel loved and grounded,
who makes everything better for me,
who brings me food at the ofc everytime i stay late, and
who patiently waits (for hours!) for me from work just so we go home together and spend some quality time even for just an hr,
who is crazy for me and i'm also crazy with.

and then, i'm not confused anymore :)
and i know i'm right where i want to be,
in the arms of my wonderwomyn :)

good night! :)

sleep of the tongue

enough of the professional angst!
after a long, long while, i had more than 6hrs sleep!

when i looked at myself in the mirror,
i think my skin rested well, they look relaxed :)
although my body's craving for a few more hours of deprived sleep!

when i checked my celphone, i had 7 unread messages!
most of which came from my bestfriend.
all forwarded messages!
bordering from the religious to the obscene. lol! :)
so unlikely of him.
he must miss his missable bestfriend already :D
he's been asking me for some lunch-cum-chikahan galore,
w/c i've been declining.
bec either im still at home catching up w/ sleep
or i have tons of urgent work to do (it's always urgent! dang!).

i think that is the role of bosses,
to give you loads of tasks, w/ unrealistic timelines/deadlines,
and to blame you for expectedly being delayed.
in short, bosses are here to make my life hell!

my mom has never adjusted to the advent of wonder bras.
everytime i wear one and she sees me, she always comments:
"parang lumaki ang boobs mo ..."

**i'm sure she's thinking of other sleazy reasons that involve men. give me a break!**

"ma, padding lang yan."

of course, she's not convinced.
mothers are mandated to doubt their children.
and they can smell lies 5 meters away.
geez! such enhanced sensory!
they shd hire moms in the fbi!

as a footnote (meaning last note. hehe.),
i was horrified to find out that my devil-in-disguise-pseudo boss
likes working with me a lot!
those were the pseudo boss' very words.
i cringed when i saw that line.
s/he's not bobo, so i dunno why the hell s/he said that to me (not verbally.
i think i won't be able to hide my disgust if it was ever face-to-face).
if that's an attempt to lure me to soften my stance,
beat it buster! in your rotten dreams!

impyernong buhay to!

sobrang galit ko now,
nde ko makuhang magwala.
pero ngrerebolusyon na sa dibdib ko.
pde pala ung ganun.
too much anger it paralyzes you.

imagine this.
mother's day, ur asked to report to work for 9pm.
then natapos nyo na ung primary problem, pero nakahostage pa rin kau.
5am ka na umuwi.
then may mtg daw ng 1pm.
2hrs away ka lang nmn sa ofc.
so pagdating ng ofc,
moved ang mtg to 3pm.
ang mtg ngstart ng 4pm.
natapos ng ... brace urself... 9pm!
and to think nag-ot na ko sa ofc ng sabado ha.
then dahil bangag pa ko, inisip ko nang umuwi ng 10:30pm.
kasi nakapagstatus check na ko sa team ko.
at ang gf ko kaninang 6pm pa ko inaantay.
kc today is our first year since we met. *magkaibigan pa lang kme nun*
mejo monumental importance.
kaso, before pa ko makalabas ng pintuan, nasunog ang pintuan kya nde na ko makalabas.
sinunog ng dimonyo kong ewan.
sabi nya, nde pa daw pde umuwi kasi may gagawin pa daw.
sha nga daw nde pa uuwi.
*e ano naman pakialam ko sa buhay mo?!*
sha ay sa makati lng naman nakatira.
may personal driver.
at walang lovelife!
ainako!
palibhasa walang jowa,
kaya ung may mga natitirang social life, dinadamay!
so habang ngumunguya ako ng bubblegum at naninigas na panga ko sa pagpipigil,
nakatitig lang ako sa mukha nya
habang sa isip ko sinapak ko na sha.
naramdaman ko na lang nanigas ang dibdib ko.
at lumakas kamao ko.
npadasal na lang ako bago pa ko makapatay...

"god, pls don't give me strength.
because if you do, i might kill my pseudo-boss!"

quote in the moment

"make-up sex is worth fighting for."

-the wedding date

self-destruction

im intentionally not doing things right.
im in a rebellious mode.
i want to prove a point.
you can get angry all you want.
that makes us even.
bec im angry too.
and i will keep doing this until you get the point.

labor day ex-perience

when do you know when your ex is already your friend?
i don't know.
all i know is that when i needed to obtain an elusive WindowsXP 64Bit installer,
ex was the one who rescued me.
after being bombarded with calls from the almighty bosses over the weekend,
and dispersing my team to do the hunt,
i suddenly remembered that ex once consulted me months ago abt the appropriate motherboard and processor for the WindowsXP 64Bit stuff.
Just one phone call and the search has ended.
The catch though is i have to pick it up from her home, in the suburbs.

Flashback: the first and last time i went to her house was leap year last year.
i made a surprise leap visit to her place to commemorate the feb29 event.


a year after, i still know how to go to her house.
we haven't seen each in a long while.
so there, seeing her that weekend afternoon, with the dusk wind blowing our hair and some fireworks on the sky, standing on the street.
same scent, same look. same thoughts. i missed her :)

my warrior womyn!

behold the encantadia princess warriors:

AMIHAN (cool!)



PIRENA (hot!)



ALENA (fluid!)



DANAYA (animalistic! - fave)



i like em all. i like her ^^ best :D

holiday

work sucks big time!
it's a goddamn holiday and we are required to work.
screw the double pay!
my gf's in an outing.
my bestfriend's still in bora.
my family's watching the premier episode of encantadia.
ayala is deserted.
watson's is closed.
whattafuck am i doin in this godforsaken dilapidated sorry-looking building called office?
grrrrr!!!!!

Spread the L word

lost and found

stuff i found out (abt myself) on losing and getting lost...

some things are meant to be lost.
try as you might to keep them,
if it's not yours to keep or own,
then it's bound to be gone.

i hate losing!!!

but i just have to move on and learn the lesson that nothing really is for keeps.
therefore there is no use being attached to things,
only to be shattered after.

damn! i hate losing!!!

come to think of it, those who get left behind also end up being lost :(

there is this sinking feeling.
to grasp on that which is no longer there.
familiarity is a killer.
it will force you to long for that which you lost even though your mind knows that it is gone. and it is futile.

familiarity truly breeds contempt (okay, i'm twisting the meaning, but i don't fuckin' care!)
i hate familiarity!

it is this same familiarity that is essential so as not to be lost.
**which i already stated can't be controlled**

if you're so used to something and you know it in and out, then the chance of getting lost is slim.

atleast that's what others say.
w/c i don't necessarily have to believe on.

but i realized :
a. there's no shortcut to the right path. oftentimes, you really have to get lost in order to find the right way.
a.1. the road to enlightenment is under construction.

b. and only when you lose something do you find out that you can live without them.
b.1.


my sob the stories:
1. the thing is, i lost my stylus (the second one) today :(
friday, i lost my first stylus, but found it also after a few hours. then saturday, i lost it again and didn't find it anymore. waaaah!
so i have a spare, but lost it after the 3rd day of use.

2. i'm furious that i got lost today by my dimwit cab driver who prolly did it intentionally to squeeze more money from me. he missed one turn which caused us to be sooo out of the way. you know how the one ways work in makati.

to the driver, i have 3 words for you:
go to hell!!!

an exclusive party

i am organizing an exclusive party for a balikbayan friend.

so here's my guideline on this exclusive party:

1. strictly all girls, anything that is biologically male is prohibited. i guess even transexuals too.

2. when you say party, this means, booze, or anything that has the same effect. read: alcoholic drinks.
the rise of the amats is directly proportional to the rise of the libido.

3. smoking ofcourse is optional (be it pot or otherwise). this an added excuse to do crazier stuff ;)

4. danceable, sexy, sing-able contemporary music. this is the foreplay.

5. this can be a meet our friends' friends or meet my ex-turned friend or meet my gf's ex-turned friend-turned my gf now. the lez links are so intertwined they'd resemble the pubes.

6. you should have the right mix of the beautiful/desirable, the aggressive, the entertainer, the intellectuals, the dumb/the newbies and the oc's.

7. have a few games that will involve everyone, preferrably with skin touching, like spin the bottle/truth or kiss (the opposing womyn on each end of the bottle shd kiss), body shots or strip poker (ok, that didn't have touching, but then what's next w/ the watching is up to how game you are)

8. you can rent a room depending on the size of the group or reserve a table in a bar. the more privacy, the better.

9. i hope everybody dresses up for this party. it can be themed or not.

10. if you bring couples in exclusive parties, they will create a subset of exclusivity, meaning they're exclusive to each other only. korni!!! this creates imbalance somehow. so partners are not encouraged.

that's all i've thought of so far for this sat's parteh :)

any other ideas??

words with no wisdom

i dunno where wisdom is, bec if i have any ounce of it, i would have left my company now!
but then miracle of all miracles, i'm still working my ass off for this company.
and im hating each day that im here. moreso everytime i need to meet with bleep! bleep!
my only consolation if you can call it that is seeing the enthusiastic people who still has this thing called 'hope' in them.

i didnt realize that my patience and tolerance can be stretched this far.
frighteningly amazing!

i miss my old self. when i don't give a damn, and i spit my mind to whoever at anytime.
when i'm challenged yet motivated.
nowadays, im just tired. challenged, sure. motivated, na-ah :c

in my twisted mind, i just wish that i get fired, to make things easy.
sigh. why is leaving never easy?
why is giving up so hard to do?
i've been mercilessly kicked on all sides, in and out.
and yet i remain.
that's the reality of my professional shit.
i remain.
no movement up, no progress. no change.
but a continuing decadence that will soon kill the life out of me :(

in my own little way, i try to fight this nega feeling.
how? i dress up! :D

during my tan days, i showed a lot of skin. backless, sleeveless.
less is the theme! ;)

now that my tan has faded (or should i say, molting season has ended), im soon returning to my old skin.
**that doesnt sound right. i just shed off skin, so how can it be 'old' skin? new skin? hehe. nangungulit lang :p*

old skin, old ways.
i went back to statement shirts, jeans and sandals/slippers.
but since i've been feeling crappy, i decided to do, operation: beautify! :D hehe.
i'm sporting the biker chick look, donned in my fab red biker jacket w/ tanktops underneath ;)
i also accessorize more now like colorful beads, black leather wristbands, native necklaces, the works.

my waves of curls has grown so long, halfway on my back. i just let them be.
my nails are in royal blue for a week now :) while my ankle has 3 braided anklets from my out of town trips.
and i wear 3 different scents :)

once in a while, i wanna surprise myself.
on a rainy day like last friday, i ate ice cream! it's just me going nuts i guess :)

ok, i've digressed again. for a moment there, i've forgotten how shitty i'm feeling :)

so why is leaving never easy? why is giving up so hard?
**words with no wisdon ahead**
because you just don't want to.
you say you do, you feel like doing it.
but what you're feeling is not enough for you to materialize them into action.
meaning, you're just full of blah! and too coward or lazy to do what u want.
**my old self reprimanding my now self**

that's my take on that. not only on leaving but to all the rest of the verb words you wanna do, but can't/won't.

dissecting DARNA!!!

Dahil ang tagal kong nawala, here's a socially relevant entry na i hope makakapagpalimot sa inyo sa malungkot na sinapit ni pope :)

**ano ang relate ni pope & darna?? note the semblance in pope's and darna's costume, same color scheme, may meaning yun!! lol! (deranged talaga ako)**




okay, i don't think i've ever been interested with local tv than when angel locsin became darna.
but then, who wouldn't??



D is for drama!
look at that face! okay, and body too (as if it can be helped).
don't you just want to hug her and console her and love her and protect her from the harshness of life?



D is for divine!
she flies, saves people's lives, she has a pure heart underneath her costume, what more can assure her of heavenly status? a real angel, sigh...



D is for delicious!
i mean, just look at that sight ^ hmmm... yummeeh!
kanin na lang ang kulang, busog ka na!
parang ang sarap nya halikan sa... buong katawan!



D is for dreams, of darna and me...in da dark doing bleep! bleep! stuff ;)


**anecdote**
nakasabay ko na syang manood ng sine sa greenbelt, kahilera ko ng upuan.
pro nde ko maalala pinanood ko non, basta alam ko, nakaputing sexy outfit sha nun! wehehe.

nakita ko na rin sha ng malapitan sa mall (nung Click days pa nya). kasama nya alalay nya nun.

kapuso/n talaga ako! ;)

more hapi times

excerpt of the weeks that was and the coming days:

DA WINE PARTEH!
i had my wine party with select friends.
no straights were allowed.
twas with two special womyn in my life (m gf was intentionally not there).
one was heavenly, the other juicy ;) beat that :D

twas with my closest friend, my discreet gay bestfriend.
he and his ex-bf did all the prep, what more can i say? but thank you!

we had 5wines: 4 red wines, 1 white wine.
2 of them were chosen because of the fancy bottle design, the two, for the taste. and the other one for no reason :D

we had cheeses and cold cuts, crackers and cakes.

twas a night of Ws: wine, womyn, winning, wanting and wit.

we had games, age-old charades (my team won), memory game (i failed twice), pinoy henyo contest (about showbiz, i suck at this!).

NORAH JONES
she simply is enchanting.
she's fun and sweet.
i sure hope she's not straight :D
i adore her.
firewomyn is starstruck.

Sunday -Saturday (Mar. 13-19)
NON-STOP WORK AND MISERY!

BEACHIN!!!!
Sunday, Mar. 20. Destination: SanJuan, Batangas.
Family outing.
Beach was great! :) Family-prepared feast was sumptuous! *buhay baboy*
Corals were breathtaking *imagine feeling that while you're underwater! wehehe! :) it is to die for! *
*will post pix pag sinipag na ko*

so im back with my tan after palawan :) ansaya!

MORE BEACHIN!!!
Thur-Sat, Mar. 24-26. Destination: Puerto Galera.
hike, swim and dive/snorkel.
dance, drink, rave, parteh!

Sunday, Mar. 27.
SPA and MASSAGE.

hapi times

what makes birthdays happy?

it is spending the day with your loved ones and with those who love you too :)




we had dinner in a singaporean resto in gateway, Rasa.
my whole family was there, and their better halves and kids, plus of course my bestfriend.
it was a sight seeing the legacy of our family. almost makes the ties tangible.
the food was excellent, service was great and the ambiance so right.
im so happy :)




friday is for my friends! this is the time to commune!
for wine, womyn, whining and whathaveyous! ;)
friday is all about getting Wasted! *excited*




time with my gf is reserved for sat! :)
we'll start it with a norah jones concert then anything goes after ;)




and then sunday, is a time for rest and reflection.
to be grateful for an enriching year of life.

i thank god :)

a reason to blog

ok, it's my birthday. i almost forgot.
geez!
nway. i have to treat my team for lunch! a must! i spend more time with my colleagues than with my family, so that makes them more than family! ugh!

amid the heartaches and mini triumphs we experienced, i love those guys. eck! good thing they're not reading this. we've never been in an emotional level. well, if you can call the heated arguments, the anger, the frustration with each other and the 'sermons' as emotional interactions, then me and my team's more like blood brothers then. hehehe.

literally and figuratively. we've been thru hell and back. spilled blood, sweat, guts and tears. and whatever juice left of our body.

we've given our all for this company we work for. heart and mind.
i think there's no greater love than that.

now i think im gonna cry. boo! hoo! lol!

*group hug!*

ok, im sounding sappy already.
hey, give me some slack!
i know it's out of character, but i have a valid excuse, it's my D DAY :p

pensive in palawan