realizing 2004

to be truly happy and free,
let go of the things/people you can't be free from.

and understand and accept that they're not yours
and that their staying is beyond your control.

realizing this, you'll accept and appreciate them for what they are,
hopefully with little expectations, if none at all.

pain is always caused by failed expectations.
less expectations, less hangups, less pain.

it takes strength and time to achieve this level of understanding of things, of oneself.

but once you do, you wake up in the morning and everything is suddenly a notch better.
there's more color, more feeling, more taste, more meaning.

remember the past, but don't cling to it.
highlight the essence, the lessons and note them in your present and future.
LIVE your present, DON'T WORRY about the future, PLAN for it.

it's so good to be alive that it should be enjoyed, felt and experienced with zest!

i will not let other people control my life and dictate my happiness.
it is mine.
and i have full power over it.

i must drive my destiny.
i am the champion of my own cause!

on chats and karirans

chatrooms have been the official avenue for karirans.
for the simple reason that it's easy, fast and efficient.

it may sound mercenary in nature, but hey,
that's just the way it works for most.

i can't imagine how gurls do it before sans the advent of chat.
it must have been tough and highly limiting specially with a discriminating society then.

im just happy that im in this information age.
everything just seems accessible.

you can even have a gurlfrend in just a few minutes!
fast huh?! :) well, it's not called a fast-paced world for nothing honey. :)

you can even equate the speed of your internet connection and your typing speed to the speed you can have dates(ebs) and (virtual) gfs.
no kidding! hehe.
almost an equation.


to be continued...

i have been butchered!

i used to be butchphobic.

as a personal standard, i don't want to be involved with a butch.
i know that i won't be comfortable being seen in public with one.
and i don't like the macho image that they depict.
i said to myself, that id' rather be with a real guy
than settle for a 'feeling guy'.

but one 30-min chatting time in the mall while waiting for a friend,
i managed to receive a celphone number of one young butch.
not only that, we somehow have set a date to meet,
sans exchanging pics.

i have no fear then because i gave bogus info about myself.
and i doubt if the butch would follow-up with a text or call.

so i went through with the chit-chat with my friend.
but to my surprise, the butch texted.
not only that, she even gave her home number and wanted to talk.
ofcourse, being my butchphobic self, i did not give my home number.

i did call her though. i think i'm safe as long as we're not seen together.
besides it's just a phonecall.

the conversation was short and straight forward.
i don't even like her that much, and she's also not trying to win me over.

although i'm butchphobic, i have this idea of butches that they
are sweet talkers and pursues gurls.

but this butch, is neither sweet nor pursuing.
relaying info abt herself, she does it matter-of-factly.
so i don't know how to place myself, in this femme-butch dynamics we have.

come our meeting day.
i was confident that i'll be in control of the situation,
because firstly, im butchphobic, so that makes me immuned to the pambobola,

second, i don't have to be pagurl or pacute, because butches are
not my type, so there's no need for me to exert effort to win her over,

and third, well, i can always leave her anytime with the excuse
that i have to go back to the office to do OT work.

so temporarily throwing standards away, i went to the agreed
meeting place. i needed a break from my hellish work.

she was in the dark corner of the place smoking the time away.

i hesitantly approached her.
she stood up and i extended my hand.
she smiled.
i smiled.

she's not my stereotype butch because she's slim, tall, has a soft face, funny, and charming in a sweet way.

im thankful that she did most of the talking.
she seems so open, like an open window w/ cool breeze coming in.
she's such a refreshing sight.

while i just sat there amazed, arms across my chest.
defensive stance. i kinda feel so 'tuod'.

there was one incident where i think her hand touched hand or
shoulder, can't remember which. and on reflex, i placed my arms across my chest.
she just blurted, hey, im not gonna rape you.

i was that uptight, so you can imagine.

i was actually nervous to have finally met a butch.
she just shared her eb antics, exes, friends and stuff in between puffs.

i tried smoking too. but im more of a social smoker.
so i really can't catch up with her.

one defining moment that impressed me with her is this,
her views on homosexuality is so matured and parallel with how i perceive it.

as a butch, she thinks that she is no man trapped in a woman's body.
rather, she's a woman, period.
it just so happens that her 'personality' is boyish.
and that she falls inlove with the same gender.

she has no intention of comparing herself with a man, because
it is clear with her that she's not one.

i think she got me right there.
not through pambobola, pasweet, or being pawkela.

but largely, she had me just by thinking aloud.

and that's how i got butchered.

warla week

contagious ba ang pagkawarla?

ba't andami andaming taong kilala ko ang warla with their respective jowas?

wat's with this week?

nung monday, mega-advice pa lang ako sa ofcmate ko na warla with her bf,
akalain mo! gabi of dat same day, nampucha! away na rin kme ni gf!!!

syet! ano ba yang warla na yan? epidemic?!

'tangna naman oo! at shempre, pag inaway ka ng iyong other half,
bad trip ka na rin di ba?

so halos lahat ng tao sa paligid mo, wag lang magkakamaling kantiin ka
or asarin ka, dahil instant kaaway mo na sya pag nagkataon!

trickle down effect yan.

pati work mo damay.
hanggang sa walang kamalay-malay na keyboard, halos hampasin mo na sa pagtatype
ng mga walang kakwentang kwentang bagay, para lang may outlet ka sa seething anger.

at pag ganitong magkaaway kayo, ang sarap magrebelde!
as in lahat ng ayaw nya, ang sarap-sarap gawin.

ayaw nga magpagabi ka sa work?
pwes! OT ever ka.

ayaw nya nagyoyosi ka?
saka naman kating-kati throat mo na magbuga ng usok.

bawal makipag-inuman sa mga guys?
ikaw pa nangungunang magyaya ng toma.

at kahit anong kantyaw sa yo na, "uyyy! affected!",
deny to death ka naman.

as in ang reply mo, "dedma sa kanya",
"bahala sya sa buhay nya!"

kahit na deep inside ang gusto mong sabihin,
"tang-ina nya! ba't nde pa sya tumatawag or nagtetext man lang?!"
"gago yun ah! ayaw ako pansinin!"
with matching "waaaaah!!!!!!!"

hay, lecheng warla yan.

----------------------------------
random thoughts:

warla
war
wala (as in magwala)
wala (as in nothing)
waaah!

away (tagalog)
ayaw
away (english)
awa
hiwalay
laway

hay.

a fighting chance

a fighting chance

ok, i won't deny it.
we've been fighting lately.
a fight is still a fight, no matter how babaw,
no matter how intense or violent.
both are painful, both are scathing.
pero wala naman kaming balak mang-agaw ng eksena kila kris at joey.

i don't know why, but i refuse to be my old understanding self today.
have i had enough?
i'd say, i'm not at my best mood today too.
so the hell i care.
this is my right to be angry too.
this is my moment to be unreasonable.
this is my time to throw tantrums
and this is the situation that i can't help being bitchy.

aaaaargh!

i know being this way, won't resolve the problem.
but, hey! give me some slack!

sometimes, i'd just like to give in to my emotions
and be mad as hell.

well, i am mad and bad now.
my every heartbeat is pulsating with anger,
my lips are pursed,
my eyebrows are touching already,
my earringed ears feel hot
and my used to be vast vocabulary has been limited to
tang'na, potah, pakshet, kainis, bwakanangsyet,
all with exclamation points!
so much for eloquence.

hapi thots

so now i have a gf.
everybody expects me to be 'happy' because of it.
well, i am enjoying our time together.
happy is such a big word.
it denotes longevity.
pang longterm.
so it's kinda scary to say i am happy.
baka words spoken too soon.
i guess this is just me being realistic.
ok, i admit, this is me, being cynical.

nde ba pdeng maging hapi on your own?

like, bakit when you have good friends, walang naggigreet sa yo na,
"hapines ka na siguro!". others will just comment,"okay friends mo ha."

or if you have a promising job, all they can say is, "successful ka na ate."

or nagtop ka sa exam or deans lister ka, remarks nila ay, "ang galing galing mo naman!"

"successful", "okay", "galing", words that pale when compared to the almighty "hapi" or "hapines".

in reality, i feel and am hapi.
hapi in a sense that i am not easily fazed by life's harshness lately.
my work is still stressful.
i still run out of money kahit kakasweldo lang.
i still get pissed off by injustices, our failing economy, kupal peeps.
i still get depressed when there is occasional family conflicts.
i get affected by the problems of my friends, more so ng gf ko.

but the thing is, keri lang!
meaning, i realized na constant companion na ng yuppy life ang stress at shit.
accepting this, the only thing to make my life better is to change my point of view about it.

now how did having a gf whom i love helps?
nde ko rin explicitly alam.
basta love in my heart outweighs hatred and depression.
the emphasis is centered :

on proactivity.
on problem solving not on problemizing the problem.

on understanding.
not only how it affects me but also the other people involved.

mind you, i'm not always my rational self,
i get unreasonable too, specially when the right buttons are pressed.
but i try. i fight.
sometimes i succeed. sometimes i fail.

is momentary happiness = joy = enjoyment ?
probably.
i don't mind, as long as my life each day makes me
progressively better and happier,
with or without my gf.

ex-ing the gf

note: hiwalayans are never easy.

i don't know which is more painful, the away in between or finally deciding to let go.
pero when you put an end to a once potential 'forever',
the effect is either self-destructive or simply life-altering.

how did i decide that it's the end?
i've tried to put it off for the longest time,
hoping against all odds that we can sort out the differences.
kasi as they say, sayang naman.

but it's hard to fight when the other one is no longer in the same cause.
and then realizing this, you suddenly feel tired and weak.
then you cry. kasi even without saying it, you know, it's a lost cause.
you lost the fight. and then you feel lost.

but eventually, you'll be back on track.

below is a letter i wrote for my (ex-)gf then:

------------------------------------------------------
alam mo kung gano kita kamahal?
mahal namahal.
hindi mo na kailangang hingin,
i'm giving you your freedom from me.

i have already accepted the fact that i'm not the one who can make you happy.
i have been the cause of a lot of your pain.
i'm the one who made you numb.
i can't make you express your love the way you used to.
we must have lost something along the arguments, silences and indifference.

we may still love each other,
but not in the same intensity that can make us go on any longer.
in fact, we're not going anywhere.
we're lost.
i can't go on like this anymore.

don't waste your time on me.
spend your time with someone who excites you,
who brings out the best in you,
who angers you,
who makes you passionate,
who makes you feel secured and loved,
who makes you feel alive,
who makes you feel.
i love you so.
it feels like a part of me is dying as i make this difficult decision.
but my time with you is up.
i can't keep you any longer.
you've been kind enough to stay with me,
inspite of the compelling reasons that you shouldn't.

i can only say thank you for everything.
i'll always be here for you,
maybe not as your better half, but as a friend.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

coming out

i feel that i don't have anything to tell yet to my family.
it is not necessary that i volunteer the information.
but if it comes to a point that i am asked,
and there is something definite and concrete to say,
i am ready to answer.

i think i have reached the age and status wherein i don't need their approval.
it would be ideal if we will all be in agreement about important concerns,
but that's wishful thinking.

it's been merely months since i discovered a new facet of my sexuality and preference.
and i can admit that there a lot of things i haven't thought of yet,
much more decided on.

fate brought me to this.
i didn't ask nor did i seek for it
it was a gift.

of the many things i'm not sure of,
of all the things i don't know of,
there is one certainty, i know and feel.
i love myself and women without doubt.

even after all the differences, heartaches, misunderstandings.

i have considered the scenario of informing my family
and of possibly what to tell.
and what i realized is this.

i am not yet ready to tell them anything yet.
because there is nothing concrete to tell yet.
suffice to say that it's too early.
but i believe that it's a process.
and i'm willing to undergo the process until it's time.

this is my life's journey.
it has been made more meaningful when my path crossed
with peyups bisexuals, with the woman i used to care for
and with the woman i now love.

i am thankful that i've known them
and blessed to have been loved by them
and happy to be part of their social sphere.

this is me.
in and out of the closet.

the awakening

i just learned that loving knows no gender.
it's not the sight or the mind.
it's the heart that feels.
i say this because i met 'pare'.

i have been straight all my life. i have lots of gay friends, i even know some lesbians.
but it never occurred to me, nor have i ever imagined that i'd fall for a girl.

i didn't plan it, it just sort of happened gradually, like an evolution.
series of events that serve as preparation until you reach that level of readiness.
thus when it actually happened, it felt so natural, just right.

during my college years at UPLB, i've had two encounters with lesbians.
i was touched by the attention, but not really comfortable about it.

then when my bestfriend came out as gay, he exposed me to his world, the third world.
i find it fun, acceptable, exciting and adventurous.
after two years of hanging out with them, i somehow learned the ropes, the social dynamics.
this was mostly male gays.

when i entered a new IT company at makati i got to know, and work with lesbians.
one was the gf of a friend from UPLB, the other, a programmer too.
they're not your typical lesbians.
they're not boyish, in fact, they're very feminine looking, even sexy.
i was beginning tobe comfortable with the idea.

me and some girl ofcmates go to a lesbian bar called, ladida in malate.
we just want to have fun, we're all straights.
one lesbian from another table asked me to dance. ofcourse, i declined.
but deep inside, had i not been conscious of my straight girl friends,
i would have accepted the girl's offer.
why? curiosity, excitement and because i was flattered.

after that things got a little bit slow.
although in the office, i am often caught by guys staring at sexy female ofcmates.
sometimes, i just can't help it.
i'd say it's more of an appreciation of the female form, nothing lustful or sexual.
just pure admiration.

several months have passed, i'm back to my old straight self,
until my bestfriend, a girl ofcmate and me, spent holy week at puerto galera.

on the first night, i got so drunk, i went with a guy, a young one.
we made out on the sand.
it was alittle bit funny, because in between kisses and touching,
i was coughing out sand! hahaha! it sort of dilutes the intensity.
he was so horny, he wanted to take me to his room.
i refused, i said, i need to find my friends, because i don't know my way back to our place.
he tried to convince me, but i wouldn't budge.
it was a worthwhile experience. it was my first time in my life to be intimate with an anonymous guy.

the next night, my friends and i went bar hopping.
a lot of bars there were populated with male gays.
heck! 3/4 of the people in the island are male gays!
we went dancing, got tired, then sat on a nearby chair.

on that pause, i saw her. she's tall, handsome and fair.
i named her tisay.

acting on impulse, i stood up, went to her and danced beside them, alone.
i kept staring ather while dancing. i like her a lot.
but after sending all the signals, she hesitated and didn't approach me.
from their nonverbal cues, i deduced that the one girl in their circle is her gf.
i felt defeated. i just drank the night away out of frustration.

my friends on the other hand were shocked at the way i behaved.
it was a clear indication of my 'tendencies'.

that night was a revelation for me.
it was self-discovery.
my sexual preference was changing.
the attraction i felt for tisay was quite strong.
part of the intensity is in the novelty of the feeling.
a genuine attraction with the same sex.

it didn't feel confusing. i was not ashamed. it felt just natural.

Bold=Butch?

i've always identified butches to characteristics that go beyond the masculine looks and getup.
i find them dominant in the sense that they are oftentimes the pursuer.

yet they can also be the sweetest creatures, 'cause they tend for the gurls, straight or otherwise.
the extinct chivalrous acts of opening the door for you, assisting you as you stand-up or cross the street.

they can also be spoliers to their 'girls'.

the dark side of it is they can also be possessive, abusive and domineering.

then one day, i met a girl i like.
and because i like her, and i have no sense of so-called 'roles',
i invite her to movies, to eat out or just have coffee and talk (read: dates),
i prioritize her preferences, where to eat, her convenient time.
i txt her just to say hi, to remnd her that it's time to eat, to take care as she go home, and to have the sweetest dreams in her sleep.
i listen to her rants about her ex.
i empathize with her depression, problems
i try to make her laugh as much as i can.
i guess, i'm courting her in my own ways.

so what's odd with our setup?
i look definitely more femme-ish than her,
while she's on the boyish side.

on one of our 'dates' i was wearing sleeveless fitted blouse
paired w/ low hung jeans and heeled shoes.
she, in long sleeved sweats, slacks, side sling bag and loafers.

i honestly feel butch when i'm with her.
i felt butch and bold enough to ask her if she likes me and that I want to have sex with her.
i know i sounded 'off', because i was too starighforward.

i don't know if this stems from the fact that i am the pursuer
or because i just want her.

but i just feel that i like her and i want her to know the extent of that 'likeness'.
i may be coming in strong for her, but that's just me being brutally honest.

i realized that i dont' have the patience for prolonged pleasantries,
when it is clear to me what i want and when i want it.

my friends are having a field day on my 'butch' antics.
they are saying that i'm now butch.
a femme-butch, soft on the outside, brazen in the inside
does that make me a soft butch? androgynous?
hell! does it even matter?
it's just semantics for me.

this is beyond terminologies, it's more on the 'terms'.

the life cycle of my womynhood

i'm new in the so-called 'industry'.
been merely four months since that defining night.
an awakening of sorts.
but within the said months, a lot has happened.

April, i got attracted to a pretty butch, who i stalked during our stay at puerto galera. a night before meeting her, i was heavily making out w/ a guy

May, i had a gf w/c started from yahoo chat.

June, was ‘out’ in the ofc.

July, broke up with gf for reasons that merits a separate article, joined and met bisex peyups peeps

August, i've been dating. courted a femme, been courted by a butch

I bought the book ‘tibok’, the only local lesbian book available.
its tagline goes like, 'the heartbeat of the lesbian pinay’.

I kinda find this contrary to the content, because most of the stories were of pinay lesbians overseas, so the setting is of foreign heartbeat, plus needs to be further proofread, typo errors.

I surfed for websites for resources dealing of the same nature.
One I regularly visit is lesbianation
It has insightful articles.
My personal favorites are ones written by LA Vess.

Second to my list is the encounters
for my daily dose of steamy sexual stories.
Nothing beats a morning coffee than the blood rush I get from this.

My recent find was SOUL, SOUL
A locally developed site that I consider a decent site. They try to put depth in the lesbian existence from mere ‘womanizing’ or ‘pangangarir’.

I attended a few exclusive parties. Met up with others.

I’ve been studying the culture. I’ve been learning a lot since.
The lingo, the spectrum, the ‘moves’, the lifestyle, the issues, the dynamics, the people. And in the process of that studying, I learned a lot of myself.

I learned that I do find womyn attractive, enough for me to want to be physically intimate with them.

That I can love them with the same intensity if not surpassing the passion I used to feel for men.

That I feel more relaxed and strengthened when I’m with them.

That parents are always the last ones to be informed.

That there are stereotypes within the ‘circle’, like rigid role playing, and adherence to specific ‘types’.

That lesbians or womyn bisexuals are now tolerated, if not fully embraced by the conventional society.

And acceptance both of ourselves and largely, by the society, is, I dare dream, near our reach already.

burnout

nakakatamad magpost sa blog ko,
kasi wala akong ibang makwento kundi abt work!
ikaw ba naman, papasukin for 12hrs (9-9) mon-sun ha!
ewan ko lang kung hindi ka kumain, sumuka at jumebak ng trabaho!
parang nakakaliit ng mundo.
nakakapanghina ng katawan.
matalino nga ako, kasi lagi nag-iisip sa work, pero
feeling ko ang boring ko namang tao.
hay, lost.
ito na siguro yung sinasabing burnout.

galit sa earth

ayoko nang maging maingat.
ayoko nang maging mabait.
magpapakatotoo na ko.
dahil putanginang buhay to,
bad trip talaga ako.

una, sabadong-sabado, pinapapasok kami sa trabaho.
pangalawa, sa mga kanong kliyente ko na wala nang alam kundi manisi sa kin kahit sila naman ang dahilan kung bakit nadelay ang project.
e bwakanangsyet ka pala e! pabago ka ng pabago ng design at specs,tapos ieexpect mo, matapos agad?!
helow! bobo ka pala e.
palibhasa nde ka marunong magprogram.
ikaw kaya gumawa nito! tingnan ko lang kung kaya mo.

pangatlo, namputsa! may hangover ako!
as in sakit ng ulo ko, na mahilohilo pa ako.
para akong zombie na nakatapat sa pc ko at mechanical ang movement.

naisip ko, siguro part ng reason is because
nde nasunod yung plano ko kagabi.
na kumain sa tiannamen,
at makuha ang sexual favor ko from someone.

ang daming gustong mangyari ng isip ko, na nde magawa ng katawan ko.
sabi nga, da mind is willing but the flesh is weak.

pero if anger can make me strong, den im furiously mad!

syet! nararamdaman ko na, napupunit ang damit ko!

anger=strength
strength=power
power=influence
influence=world domination!

hay grabe! praning na ko!
nde na talaga ako uli magdadrugs, promise

Mr. Suave

one of the songs that perks me and my co-web crews up
specially during afternoon dullness.
as in we sing along with it ha.
so funny! then we do our own robotic dance steps
as we sing the chorus line, hoy hoy hoy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Suave by Parokya Ni Edgar

Nasa ulap ba ang iyong mga mata?
Mukhang malayo ang iyong pagtingala
Pakay ko lamang na ika'y pangitiin
Ito’y aking lambing

Subok na ang aking pag-ibig
Ikaw lamang sa buong daigdig
Tumitibok na puso ko’y dinggin
Sumama ka na sa'kin

Chorus:
Ako si Mr. Suave
Oh grabe
Habulin ng babae
Araw man o gabi
Oo ako si Mr. Suave
Oh grabe
Hayup kung dumiskarte
Wala silang masabi

Kaya't H'wag ka nang malungkot
Problem'y ibaon sa limot
Pagkat nandito lang ako umiibig sa 'yo
Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x)
Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x)

At kung kailangan na ika’y paligayahin
H’wag mag-alinlangan na ika'y lumapit sa akin
Hatid sa atin ng swabe kong bigote
Ang smooth na smooth na kiliti

Pagkat ako si Mr. Suave
Oh grabe
Habulin ng babae
Araw man o gabi
Oo Ako si Mr. Suave
Oh grabe
Hayup kung dumiskarte
Grabe na sa swabe

Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x)
Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x)
Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x)
Hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy, hoy (4x)
(to fade)

a dream work scenario

i have been terribly busy,
that i simply have little time for work.

i've been heavily texting and being texted by friends.
i have been receiving private messages that i just have to reply immediately.
yahoo friends go online and chats with me, who am i to resist?
my ofcmates invite me take a break, to eat outside, to have a puff or just to gossip
in the spirit of camaraderie, i just have to follow.
i receive phonecalls that requires me to leave my workstation and address my friends' inquiries
i hear mr. swabe's song from my seatmate's speaker, and have to surf for its lyrics to sing along
then there's spam email on letter to trillanes that urges me to react and express my politcal views in detail.
oh! i'm loooking pale, got to go to the restroom to retouch.
my back's aching, time for some stretching.

by the end of the day, i feel soooo tired that i can no longer work.
and there's traffic to consider, so got to rush!
but before i dash, have to update my blog!

there, now i can go home, because i have been busy and tired.
need to sleep early, for another day of work tomorrow.

****wishful thinking!
****ofcourse this is contrary from what i actually experience as a proletariat.

love at the backseat

im back in manila! yipee!
1 wk lang sya, pero it seemed forever!
ramdam ng prepaid load ko! kasi ambilis naubos!

and timing of all timing, kung kelan ako wala sa manila,
saka dami nagyayaya ng gimik!
ironic talaga.

eto namang anecdote na to, comical.
kung ito one-act play, ang title ko dito,
"love at the backseat"

on my way back to our house, ung cab driver n nasakyan ko
is very opinionated saka cute and macho! so forgiveable na.
we discussed and debated on politics, the govt reform,
brought about by the recent mutiny.
saka we compared the way Duterte is running Davao versus the manila exp.
then we also touched on religions, even lovelife!
he disclosed his hosto adventures and his family affair.
ako naman rants abt my exes and my work.
mega-advice! ambait nya. sigh.
grabe! close na kme! as in. may paapir-apir pa.
mega offer ko naman ung takeout food ko from a jap resto.

this guy is well read! so kahit sobrang layo ng byahe to
my house, ok lang, kasi mejo nabitin pa nga kme sa discussion e.
isa itong intellectual discourse! na wish ko lang, nasamahan ng physical! hahahaha!

mahal ko n yata sya! lol!
kala ko rin, may puwang na ko s puso nya e.
kaso nung nde binalik ang sukli kong 20 pesos sa 200pesoses ko, ai!
lost! biglang natunaw ng init ng katanghaliang araw ang aming 'chuva'.
sa halagang 20-pesoses lang pala.

ohwell.

something twisted for 'j'

note: this is actually two poems, read two ways:
a. 'j' likes her humor and the banter...
b. 'k' likes her wit and the chemistry...

------------------------------------------------
something twisted for 'j'

'j'________________________'k'
______________likes________
her humor_________________her wit
______________and________
the banter_________________the chemistry
______________so_________
she calls___________________she keeps
______________her_________
once in a while______________guessing
______________never_______
demanding_________________committing
______________always_______
giving and__________________funny, sometimes
______________caring_______
even______________________too
______________but_________
despite the_________________eventhough she
______________lack_________
of consistency_______________the courage
______________they_________
connect____________________go on
______________oddly.________
happy yet__________________enjoying but
______________twisted.______


1st draft, to be revised....

davao can be disorienting

1st, i have no virtual life here, no pc! waaah!
2nd, cabs have no aircon
3rd, cab drivers give back your change down to the last centavo! neat!
4th, i have a bathtub in my hotel room! hay sarap!
5th, i sleep here damn too early! as in 10pm, beat that!
6th, no smoking in public places! walang bangketa to buy yosi. grabe, hirap!
7th, food is always superb! shempre, hotel food e, saka resto foodies
8th, it's always rainy duing the afternoon to night. gosh! im always wet here.

with the presence of two cuties, my bi-tendencies are being activated! as in toot!toot!toot! in red flashing lights. har!har!har!

a coup d' etat of sorts

the weekend was a coup d' etat of sorts.
political, emotional, hormonal, physical.

a sexual-political weekend with military state of rebellion as
backdrop, the peyups bisexual peeps convened at NY cafe in malate.

we were a gang of five women personally meeting for the first time.
err, atleast that what i thought.

there's a butch, a soft butch, a feeling butch, a confused bi and me,
a bi-femme. guess who's who!

after short pleasantries, and in between booze and smoke, we jumped right into the meat of our concerns, sexuality!
experiences or the lack of it, how one started, types, current 'careers',
encounters, and so on.

then we got antsy, the night was young and we just wanted to strike anywhere. with hormones raging, we headed to amnesiacs bar, where the action seems to be, venue for lezpinay EB.

upon entrance, the place was brimming with women, all types. and i have never seen as many lesbians as was there in my life!

finding a spot is a tough task. we had to brave the crowd to find a place to at least stand w/o being pushed around by people to and fro. but then again, pushing = brushing = friction = contact! good enough!

then there's the dance. and the dance+career. you can either be the picked-up or the aggressor.

nyt-nyt

nyt-nyt

head spinning
body collapsing
eyelids dropping
im falling.....
asleep!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Work and Fun

just finished a major task in my flash actionscripting project.
whew! what a day!
it's been rough and tough!
and i've had enough!
kaya uuwi na ko!

naks! partida yan ha, nakuha ko pang magrhyme !
hehehe.

da truth of da matter is, nde ko naman mashadong kinarir ang project ko. kasi i was able to watch tomb raider kaninang 8pm sa megamall.
being a film buff, i just can't resist not watching it on the first screening day.

the verdict?! angelina jolie is the only saving grace in the 'film'.

commercial: accdg to my film instructor, u use d term 'film' to refer to its artistic sense, and 'movie' for its commercial value.

the action scenes are too fantabulous bordering improbability
get my drift? in other words, not realistic.
to game lovers, some moves were close to how they were executed in the game. but the storyline is a far cry from the twists and puzzles in the playstation version.

some scenes look soooo familiar you'd wonder if this is a collage collaboration.

there's the scene in an African forest that seems to be a spin-off of the LOTR2 Fangorn setting where the trees were alive and walking.

A taste of Mummy2 is also seen at the very end, where there's a black, acidic(?) body of water that keeps the so called Pandora's Box afloat, and liquefies the antagonist to death.

And what the hell is Snape (of Harry Potter) doing in Croft Manor?!

Imagine this, knocking off a huge shark with your human fist?!
Well Lara Croft did! How out of this world can she get.
Heck! Lara Croft is not in this world!

Her breasts though look natural this time. It may not be as true to form or should I say as large as 36D of the original Lara Croft, but at least they don't look awkward as Jolie perform her stunts!

Well, enough of the tomb raider bashing! I still love Angelina Jolie despite this. Hope to see her 'acting' again!


My bed's missing me and we need to spend some quality time together.

Ta-ta!

Olats

tangina! ang olats ko na!
nde naman ako dati madrama e.
masayahin akong tao. alaskador.
astig! makulit! balasubas! optimistic.
logical! nde emotional. nakukuha lahat sa rason, logic.
nde ako umiiyak.

peronampucha naman o!
ang korni ko nang tao.
dinaig ko pa ang mga telenovela at mga suicidal sa pagdadrama.
andami ko nang nagawang tula.
suki na rin ako ng kazaa kakadownload ng kantang naaakma sa quagmire of a
situation ko. pati lyrics, sinusurf ko din sa google.
nagjojournal n ko ngayon! online pa!
talagang gusto ko yatang maghanap ng kakampi, karamay.
gusto kong isigaw sa world wide web--- i'm in pain! sawi ako sa pagibig! help me! (press f1!)

nde naman ako galit sa mundo.
nagmahal lang at nasaktan.
kaya pasan ko ang daigdig sa dibdib ko.
kasalanan ba yon?!
mali ba na maging mahina ako?!

aaaaarghhh!
pano ba magtransform pabalik?
teka, nagtransform nga ba ako?
o nagevolve, nagmetamorphosize?
ngii! nde naman ung gaya kay kafka na metamorphosis ha!
wala akong balak maging ipis!
kahit sila pa matitira sa earth after a nuclear holocaust.

to be continued....

Joke time

joke time muna, pampaalis ng stress.

dis made me laugh.
enjoy!

=)
------------------------

Red Tag

One night while she was on her way to the fifth floor to check on
her patient (she was on the basement) sumakay sya sa elevator. May
lady dun... silang dalawa lang. Then the door opened on the 3rd floor, they
saw a young girl running towards the elevator as if sasakay sya. The
doctor closed the door immediately.

Then tinanong sya nung lady ... "Doc, bakit nyo sinara? mukhang sasakay yung babae?"
The doctor replied.."I know her, she was my patient and she died yesterday."
The lady asked, "Doc, pano mo naman nalaman na patay na eh tumatakbo pa
nga?" The do ctor answered: "Did u see the red tag on her wrist?
Pag dead na ang patient, red tag na ang kinakabit sa wrist nila."
The girl replied while raising her wrist to the doctor....

"Doc, parang ganito?"

conversation with myself

conversation with myself

me1: are you hapi?
me2: i'm getting there.

questions

i don't know if she's aware of it.
but she's killing me gently.
ever so slow, ever so gradual.

---------------------------------------------------
questions

when does one stop hoping?
when does one say that it's finally over?

how do i begin to tell of a seeming end?
from the blossoming of a promising love?
or from the withering of the feeling?
from loving to hurting to nothing?

i love and yet i hurt.
i hurt and yet im happy.
im sane and at the same time crazy.

an encounter with josa

a poem for kaye and josa:

an encounter with josa

you aimed for the moon, sun and stars.
and like an answered prayer
the universe did conspire
and made josa descend from heavens afar

a goddess of true mold,
she is a beauty to behold.
so precious like gold,
with a stance so bold.

she gave you time,
shared her thoughts.

she gave you love,
offered her heart.

but after giving her all,
you changed, rejected her calls.

there is greater fear
than there is strength to love.

likle a tragedy from homer's opus,
she ascended back to olympus
heart shattered by you,
spirits broken anew.

the one with power
is not her.
the true almighty is you.

you,
with the strength to break somebody's heart,
but
not the courage to love.

Change

i am more relaxed now.
we've loosened up.
on my end, the intensity of my feelings for her has been lessened when she detached herself from me.
she taught me to let go. and i did. she's no longer the fire that engulfs my being.
she's now more of an occasional spark who once in a while excites me.
i'm no longer committed to her.

i've now committed to myself and that which will make me happy.
and with the change is a whole new world of possibilities opening up for me.
it's motivating.
invigorating.

Anonymous

how come anonymous encounters are often exciting?
how come it's easier to confide/consult a stranger over the most
secret stuff that's troubling you?
than a friend you're supposed to be close to?

what is it with chance encounters and anonymous connections?

Work

the best antidote or should i say distraction from emo problems is definitely work!

once you're swamped with tons of work load, you can no longer think of anything else, much more worry about a rift with a significant other.

my brain is reaching its 100% cpu usage.
aaargh! flash is really tough for me.
suddenly what's topmost impt is to beat the deadline from a project. that's looming to be delayed.

i'm so darn tired, yet highly challenged!
gosh! how i love the fast lane.

the bloodrush and excitement is almost orgasmic.
geez! i'm sounding like the nerd techie guy next to me.

oh! nooooooooo!

Master vs Slave

i am discovering that being the master of oneself is not easy.
sometimes, i want to contradict myself.
on moments of weakness i am truly enslaved by emotions
triggered by a significant other.

and it requires huge amount of effort to rise above slavery.
and be the master once more.

so vulnerable.
so tired.

Monday

it's magnanimous monday!
it will be a new start for me.

this is my mantra:

i am the master.
emotion the slave.