tenfold happy :)

something quick to share before i pass out from exhaustion. my very own wonderland, gf that is, surprised me with tickets for john mayer's concert! yipee! =)

john mayer is a man who looks good with anything! be it haircut or outfit or whathaveyou.

but looked best (and out of the box) with a woman ;)
wtg ellen! look at that booty and the jiggle!

ellen was laughing. what could she have said to him?

1. "please stick to singing, and i'll stick to being gay."
2. "you know how i love you john. so i say this with affection, you suck at dancing."
3. "is that how jen likes it? geez, i can do better! *looks at the camera* jen, i hope you're watching."
4. "whatever you call what you are doing, please, just stop." *with ellen's usual poker face*
5. "there's a reason why god gave you the guitar."

 ------

for my wonderland :)

anne-likely of her

saw  Anne's cross-dressing photo at G's blog. This is the concept they have for Supreme 3rd anniv (whatever that is). so to portray a butch (they said she's dressed as a man, but she's a woman, so i conclude they're attempting butch here), she has to frown, squint her eyes, hunch her back, and raise her shoulders. this ladies, is the look of a stereotype butch/lesbian in the eyes of straights. not fashion forward at all. for everyone's information, lesbians do smile. yes, even butches. we're gay after all!

might check the magazine for their explanation. maybe have myself some more horror shock at what else they made her do in the mag.

i love anne btw. and i want my anne back!

cover:

shirt tale 3

bigger than life. saw this shirt at the height of my malady last week while inside the jeep going to the train. the red letters spoke to me. and i replied, yeah, life. my mind scrambled it - life. file. lief. ahh, belief. believe. live. right. *slowly nodding my head* so i figured am that twisted to talk to shirt letters and twist them after. ohwell, twas fun. =)

after that week, i felt - enlightened *hallelujah choir song on the background*

and then relieved. *toilet flushing sfx* hehe. good night! =)

Coupled

great finds at the mall today :)

1.) the lezlippers or lezandals! :) luv 'em!

2.) a girl to girl notebook. cool! :)

Being Brittany

Brittany, Beiste, Boobs - BrEST part of the episode! (tied with Sunshine Corazon scenes of course :D)

animated gif from here

Lez Singer2 - Sarah Bettens

Sarah Bettens was the lead singer of the Belgian band, K's Choice (heard Almost Happy?), before she went solo. She's popular among lesbians overseas since 1993, but only came out May 2002. Out or not, TOTALLY HOT!

It's good to know that the lesbian fans did not need her affirmation and just supported her. first, because she's super talented, second, we know! (lezdar, hello :D) and third, we understand her situation (group hug).

She said in one of her concerts, "my girlfriend's here tonight, visiting me on tour. reminding me everyday, why i wrote this song.". Awwww!

Sarah currently lives in Tennessee, USA with her partner and 2 step-children.

---
On a personal note, am blessed to have been won over (and over) by someone who found her way to me amid my labyrinth of a life. found me and stayed. =) *mush!*

---
you must be wondering who Lez Singer1 is - it's Melissa Ferrick. the concept of Lez Singers just came up now. hehe.

---
to you who sent me this song, thank you! =)

---

Win Me Over

-Sarah Bettens-

I locked that door so many times
I don’t know how
you navigated through this labyrinth somehow
So tell me everything you know about my heart
Don’t leave out anything I’ve nowhere else to start

Oh, you win me over, oh
Time and time again
Oh, I’m falling over
For every breath I wasted
I’m coming home to taste it in you
Say the word to sound like music to my ears
I love you love you it’s so wonderful to hear
And I'll settle slow in your warm and giving eyes
Don’t wake me up for anything
Don’t wanna say goodbye

Oh, you win me over, oh
Time and time again
Oh, I’m falling over
For every breath I wasted
I’m coming home, I’m coming home to taste it in you, oh
I never knew that there’d be someone, someone who could make me sing like you
Oh, you saved me, from never knowing where love could take me

Oh, you win me over, oh
Time and time again
Oh, I’m falling over
For every breath I wasted
I’m coming home, I’m coming home, I’m coming home to taste it in you

Drama Queen signing off

i think am ready to pass on my crown as drama queen. any takers? hehe. and to commemorate this momentous occasion, here's a repost of The Top Drama Queen Quotes from Chico's blog (RX). my faves in blue :)

• JoannaSas – “Don’t tell me something crazy like you love me, because I might do something crazy, like believe it.”
• Eating Mashin – “Ang love life ko parang Coke…ZERO.”
• Sasha Purse – “The difference between my life and hell…is it’s better to be in hell.”
• Sasha Purse – “Why don’t you just paint me gray if you’ll just leave me like this?”
• RC and Cess – “Why can’t I drown in a river of my own tears and die already.”
• RC and Cess – “Life is only cruel to me on days that end with ‘Y’.”
• RC and Cess – “Out of 10 things that happen to me everyday, 11 are bad.”
• SPY Shadow – “No colors for me…I’ll order dinuguan, black gulaman, black forest cake and black coffee.”
• Nico Robin – “Another cruel morning has come. Oh, joy!”
• Boknoi – “I’m a waste of space, a ghost without a home.”
• KathyPie_05 – “Do I have a sign on my back that says, ‘break my heart’?”
• KathyPie_05 – ‘I love you’ is composed of 8 letters. But then again, so is ‘bullshit’.”
• Gil Ghost – “I’ll stop running…because no one is chasing after me.”
• RVincent – “The advantage of talking to yourself, is that you know at last somebody’s listening.”
• Elizabeth Ramski – “Why don’t you love ma half the way you love your dogs? Am I not the biggest bitch there is?”
• Ayem Mahyo – “I just wanted to collapse in someone’s arms and cry…then I realized there’s no one there to catch me.”
• Blutots – “The leaf went with the wind because the tree didn’t ask her to stay.”
• Penguina 17 – “Why has my world stopped revolving? Oh yeah…love makes the world go ’round.”
• Jerguin22 – “You say you don’t like seeing me cry. So what have you been doing all these time? Closing your eyes?”
• No name – Q: “How long will you pursue me?” A: “It depends on how long before you reject me.”
• JoannaSas – “The worst thing is being forgotten by someone I will never forget.”
• Nipo – “I love sleeping, because my life has a tendency to fall apart when I’m awake.”
• No name – “Today was going to be a good day. Then I woke up.”
• Plumbum – “What’s that awful noise? Oh yeah…my heart breaking.”

I removed some entries i didn't like, so i just removed the numbering.

parting shot3

parting shot2

music is therapy

----



vintage clip

free fall

from here.

Dark

I’ve been avoiding writing. I’m scared to write because they say once you write your thoughts, it’s one step to becoming real. And my thoughts are edging to the dark side of things already. My heart is so burdened that it’s hard to ignore. I can’t contain it anymore and so, am letting the floodgate open.

In the end of a grueling week, I actually thought am losing it. in the height of my desperation, i actually considered that i may go nuts. the thought scared me shit. images of the beggars i shoot flashed my mind. is this how they started? 

the very idea that under extreme situation i may go crazy is very disturbing. i admit that i am depressed. but to admit a tendency to insanity is irreversible.

I tried not to lose my fighting spirit, but each spark of hope I have gets crushed. I try, with whatever little strength i have, to lift my head and look up, but something always kicks me flat on my face, to make me eat dirt. I want to fight, but I feel battered. I’m so tired and depleted, yet I can still feel great pain. why is this so? why can't i have the escape of even a dreamless sleep?

each day, i am being stripped of my self pride. without my pride, i am naked. i have abandoned my sense of right and i am lost. i have nothing and i am afraid.

My heart is so burdened that it needs saving. The floodgate is open and there's no turning back.


*photo is a portion of an abandoned truck's back

Singlehood

I met some lez friends weeks ago. as we were catching up with each other's lives (in short, gossip), I realized that my friends are in three forms of singlehood- brokenhearted, dating, crushing.

Brokenhearted

A friend, who's still trying to make sense of the heartbreak that hit her, accidentally saw the new girl of her ex-wife (not married, but feels like that to me after 4yrs of living together). To make matters worse, the new girl was wearin her ex-wife's pajamas! Barely a month after they (maybe just the wife) called it quits.

Maybe it's a way to jolt my friend to reality, to move on. This is one of the harsher realities of life and of loving.

If I were to make her heart as her self, and consider how shattered that heart is, then she isn't single, but more like particulated. Broken by a thousand pieces. Ouch.

Dating

This friend of mine broke it off with her crazy gf months ago. And when I say broke it off, totally severed whatever romantic emotional thread to the crazy gf. I guess that's the beauty of giving your all to someone. You can't be blamed for not trying and when the relationship ends, it's truly the last of it with that girl. My friend had closure, no regrets and can freely date without emotional baggage from an ex.

So she met this wonderful woman who is fun to be with. They enjoy each other's company too much that they know they're into something really good. They're taking it slow. Sweet slow, no rush. They go out often, and when not going out, they SMS each other to sleep. There are no talks of love or commitment or what they want of a future gf. There's no deadline, no pressure. Just discovering the newness of each other and marvelling at how surprisingly they get along. I guess my friend won't be single for long. Hehe.

Crushing

Third friend has a secret crush to her close friend. She admires the girl very much because she's so smart and yeah, charming. They've been going out in the guise of friendship for so many months now. The girl, in one of their usual lunch meet-ups, held her hand. My friend was so surprised she just froze a bit (inwardly screamed YESSS!!!) and then hugged the crush in response. After that seeming milestone to their "friendship", they went back to their usual routine of polite lunch and SMSing (good morning, good night). It's like the handholding and the hug happened in an alternate reality. Did both wait on who will do the next move? Did they felt awkward after? Or did they lose the moment?

Being good, supportive friends to her, we gave some suggestions.

A. Confront the crush, tell her you like her to settle this once and for all.
*friend doesn't want to do this, too chicken, too much to lose. What if crush doesn't like her?*

B. Level up from lunch meet-up and take her to dinner w/ some drinking.
*they can be both uninhibited and talk about their feelings. Problem is, crush doesn't go out at night. Bummer.*

C. Have lunch with her and we friends will observe from a nearby table. Imagine soup chef & tennis player of L Word.
*what if, like shane with soup chef, we can't read her? Still, I think this is worth trying.*

In a few months, our friend will celebrate her one year of crushing with this girl. She's not that bothered really (only us who are affected). After all,  single is not only sexy, but also matipid. Hehe


**relationships are overrated.**

-drafted this a month ago-

Legworks 1, 2 & 3

Legwork #1

this idea started with this woman. i initially just want to peep under the dress and was strategizing how to achieve that sleazy aim of mine. her dress was loose enough i think to make it happen, but apparently, the escalator isn't that long enough for me to complete my inappropriate task. darn.

Legwork #2

i realized maybe it's a sign for me not to pursue my evil plan and adjusted the concept to just showcase nice legs. this girl is very tweetums. yellow flats, gray day dress, milky fair legs. so sweet and yum-yum i had to control the reflex to run my finger on her smoothness and remind myself she's not dessert! ;)

Legwork #3

this pair of legs is so worthy of her black killer  pumps. she even matched it with tight, black, stretch mini skirt. the way she angled her parted legs is most def a turn on, i had to gulp! :)   the girl obviously knows how to work it! if her legs were a tad longer, i would have grovelled, from her shoes, to her feet and all the way up! :) *i wonder what she's wearing or not wearing underneath* such joy to worship a deity in heels.

imagination at work

Will be in a whole day work planning something today. Was hoping to catch some train crush for inspiration, but no luck. Tough. As I was walking to the hotel hallway, my inspiration struck me big time!

Some 4ft by 2.5ft in dimension (will post tonight) of a painting. I guess won't miss you ladies that much today. :) tee-hee! Later dearies! :)

i wanted to look closely/touch the painting on its erogenous point, but it might weird out my colleagues. already got curious stares when i took its pic.

i love the painting and would be apt in the bedroom. imagine seeing it every night at the foot of the bed, while spooning with your partner. a magnified symbol of womynhood, with delicate velvety folds and a shyly peeping female phallic symbol.

looking at it will really be inspiring at the same time enlightening.

i think there would be less disagreements if this is hanging in the house. for heated arguments would turn to heated fluid exchange settled with passion.

looking at it then will be relaxing at the same time energizing.

it would also be a good conversation piece for guests in dinner or parties. there would be layers of meaning, some artistic, some obscene. some may not totally get it, but will still feel unexplainable sensation at the sight of the painting.

thus looking at it will be exciting at the same time thought provoking.


soo, care to join me in stealing this painting? =)

Traffic Light Party story

I attended the free party and tagged myself red. i was in gray tank and shimmering jeans. the hottest girl arrived with her date butch, which makes the butch the second most talked about in the party if not the second hottest by association. however, the hottest girl later on went to my table, bent over and asked for my number which i think then officially makes me hotter than the hottest. haha! i was also the only girl who was asked to dance by another hot girl who's not within the same circle or someone i don't personally know (as they all danced within their groups). these only prove one thing -- am so full of myself! lol!

---
thinking that the party's almost over, i removed my red tag and placed it on the table. as if on cue, the hot girl in tank and flowing skirt with red wine on one hand approached me and inquired about the absence of my tag. i pointed at it on the table. she was not dissuaded and asked me to dance. while trying to get each other's rhythm, we had an interesting conversation --

hot girl (hg): where's your girlfriend?
firewomyn (fw): home.
hg: how come?
fw: she had a whole day family thing, too tired.
hg: are you two still together?
fw: yes
hg: happily together?
fw: yes
hg: is she butch?
fw: sorta
hg: are you into butch?
fw: anybody interesting
hg: what's interesting to you?
fw: hmm... witty, funny, pretty
hg: i see
...

that's some of what we talked about while dancing. i think i've seen her before in another party from way back. she once had very long wavy hair, wore trench coat with nothing underneath and had some cleavage to peep onto. she's petite with smooth mocha skin. she's now sporting a very short do which i think suits her better. witty, check! funny, check! pretty, check! she's also articulate and a great dancer. two more checks! verdict: totally interesting! ;)

---
i sms'd the hottest girl and she sms'd back. woot! woot! maybe if i get really lucky, we'll see each other again. wohoo! :D

Deprived

Sometimes I wish my life is that of another, specially those who have what i wanted but eluded me. Am envious like that. I have for the longest time believed that I've been deprived.  Growing up in the slums, constantly  financially challenged, problematic family, never been out of the country, can't take post-grad, late bloomer gay, the list goes on. 

But after considering all that I've been exposed to, i think deprivation roots from feeling entitled. Feeling entitled for me is a lazy way of approaching life. That you're supposed to have the things you wanted to begin with, thus the feeling of deprivation. I think life to begin with is the opposite of entitlement. We're born with nothing but our bodies. We desire/need things, seek for them (the speed that which they're achieved varies though), get them (hard earned or with little effort, but never effortless) or don't get them (for whatever reason). 

So instead of blaming my parents or fate for that matter on why I don't have the things I want to have, I think I'll do a paradigm shift and just work on getting what I want, not belaboring on why it wasn't provided to me in the first place. It will remove the resentment in me which I've nurtured for a very long time.   

The bigger sin to myself is not thinking that I've been deprived, but shortchanging myself, because I did not explore the opportunities that's out there.

Now that am a ton lighter because of the removed deprivation issue and the resentment that went with it, I will now stop 'wishing' and just focus on getting the life that I've always wanted. Cheers! =) 

ps: don't be surprised if I just grab you one day :)        

Train Crush13

sharp, short haircut, black shirt and pants, black sling bag, dark gray nails, and a piercing stare! Is she fierce or what? i bet she's hiding a tattoo somewhere. dare explore the mystery of her seemingly darker side? trace the secrets of her pain? to know her beyond what she wants revealed is like being killed in the height of ecstasy.

**i just realized Train Crush 11 should have been  Train Crush11 & 12, making this the lucky Train Crush13. ;)**

new day, new perspective - hello world!

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly 

because you are good 

is like expecting the bull not to charge 

because you are a vegetarian."
 

- Dennis Wholey (1937-)

Awful. Headache.

I have awful headache that i feel like vomiting. Household was noisy. Told them to quiet down or just get out of the house because my head's exploding. Tatay arrived, drunk. He suddenly went amuck and threw the house stuff, anything his hands can get onto. Remnants are broken furniture/appliances, shards of glass, shaken emotions and shattered peace. I think I'm gay bec I hate my father so much, I hate everything that he represents.

All I wanted was some peace and quiet. By the time he was done, everything's finally quiet, but the turmoil inside continued.

A friend asked, "How old is your father?". I said, "Old enough to die.". I know it's mean, but that was the first thought that entered my mind as answer to her question.

Another friend said, "Iikot din ang mundo.". I retorted, "Ang tagal naman umikot.".

I said to myself, "I've been raised with household violence, how come I still am not used to it?".

Somebody inquired, "Did you talk to him, asked why?". I explained with exasperation, "There's no use talking to a man who is uneducated and unreasonable. Strategy has always been avoid than be hurt with his hurling.".

The first piece of advice I got, "Sleep off the headache.". I did the moment my nose cleared and my chest loosened up.  Woke up 3am and it's gone. The other "headache", unfortunately, is still in the house, sleeping, dead to the world. *pun intended*

Speed Meet Party - finally!

I once attended their speed dating. Gf and I just joined the cocktails, not really participate in the speed dating. This is the event where I saw foreigners, and dig this, Gaby de la Merced. I know am so broke, but i soo want to go to this party! C'mon ladies, this is not the usual exclusive parties with ledge dancers. From what I've seen last, they have good quality/mix of women here.

I hope someone adopts me for a night and treat me to this party. Hehe.















Time: Saturday at 8:00pm - Sunday at 12:00am
Location: Patio Rosas, Adarna Food and Culture,119 Kalayaan Ave.,Diliman, Philippines


Traffic Light is a party where women can meet other women to chat, dance or just to chill! Nothing personal against the boys here...it's really just a ladies' night type of thing. you don't even need to be *interested* in women to attend. that's what the red markers are for! =P (among other things)

Curious or just looking for a place where you can dance to good music is a good enough reason. So if you're on the guest list and k...now someone who might be interested in a different kind of ladies' night..then have them join us!

Traffic Lights are there to help guests-- singles, couples and groups safely navigate the party with confidence and ease.

When you enter, you'll be asked to pick a category:

Green- i'm here to meet new women!
- as they say - "single and ready to mingle!!!"

Yellow- i'm here to chill out but I can won't mind meeting new women.

Red- can mean:
1.i came with a date. :-)
2.i'm just here to enjoy the music, and DANCE.
3. I'm seeing someone (who, hopefully knows i'm here, so if not,
please don't tag me in any photos)

You will then be given a marker based on your choice so you would have an easier time approaching others or being approached. How much easier can that be?

And to keep things going, a Traffic Patrol will be on hand to keep the traffic on the right track... or if you are nice we might get naughty and put you in a jam! (or help you out of one ;-P) these Traffic Patrol enforcers will be on hand and properly identified to minimize confusion and uncomfortable silences.

There is no entrance or joining fee, just pay for the marker (which will be really cheap anyway) and whatever you choose to eat or drink.

You'll love to get caught in this TRAFFIC! Bring your friends for the ride!!!

It's all in the name of having fun and enjoying the ability to DANCE! because.. well... DANCING ROCKS!!!

When THIS Traffic Light Party light starts blinking...get ready for a wiiiiild ride!

or feel free to just find a good vantage point and enjoy the view. =)

We'll see you there!!!

Other info in FB

the commuter from hell

Kung hindi lang crime sa kamay ko at sa patalim ang sumaksak ng pangit, kanina ko pa pinagsasaksak tong dalawang chackie sa tabi ko sa tren. Super papangit na nga, nuknukan pa ng sinungaling!

Sa platform pa lang, may dalawang kadiring mashubiz na garapalang nanunulak. I saw and felt it for myself. I was on their right, sa left nila ay isang kagalang galang na ale. As usual, nagkagulo at kung panong nakapasok ako sa loob ay hindi ko na alam. Pero milagrong nakaupo pa ako. Nakadiskarte siguro ako at sinwerte na rin. Ang kaawa-awang kapita-pitagang ale sa left nila ay himalang nakaupo din pero nagagalit. At parang pinag-adya ng langit nakatabi pa namin ang dalawang garapal!

Si aleng kapita-pitagan, sinabihan nya ang dalawang garapal, "grabe naman kayo manulak." tahasang deny ang dalawa! "naku, ale, kami nga ang tinulak! Nasiko nga ang suso ko.". Hindi ba ang wawalanghiya?! In the first place, kahit pa ang sarap nyang tadyakan (hindi lang sikuhin), madidiri kang madikit man lang sa kanya, promise. So tigas sa panloloko ang dalawang to!

Sa inis ko, nagmamadali akong nag-earphones at dedma na sa ear damage. Tinodo ko na volume! Ayoko nang marinig ang mga kasinungalingan nya!

Tahimik na si respectable ale, super defensive pa rin sila. OA sa hugas kamay. Sana asido ang pinanghugas nya para maniwala kame! Grrrr!

Omg! Did I see it right?! Dinukot nya ang celphone nya mula sa bra nya?! *cringing* bigla akong naging religious at napadasal.

Dear god, please wag na po sanang magkasiksikan at baka dumikit pa ang arm nya sa arm ko at ikamatay ko pa ito dahil sa tetanus. Maawa na po kayo please. Isa po akong mabait na tomboy, wag nyo po sana akong parusahan. Amen.

Pagmulat ko ng mata after my prayer, nagulat ako!

"'masyado lang syang sensitive e lahat naman tayo natapakan at natulak. Ako nga nasiko ang suso ko. Blah blah blah."

Naknampotah! Hindi pa ba sya napapagod?! Tanginang suso yan! Hindi na ba nya titigilan?! Kala mo may interesadong makaaalam sa suso nya! Ugh. Never ko naimagine na masusuka pala ako dahil sa suso! Mygawd! Kung naka-gloves lang ako sinakal ko na to! Isa syang commuter from hell! Somebody push the eject button and throw her out of here! Aaaarrrggghhh!

*note: this happened just now. Nagsulat na lang ako to survive the horrific train ride with her. I took their pix. Will post tonight.*

tribadism in transit

seriously, this is how "siksikan" the train is these days that one can experience something close to  tribadism while in transit. imagine thigh brushing for a good 30minutes with some swaying and reflex tightening on sudden breaks. at this point, am wishing it's even more jam packed so that her legs can go farther thru me and i'll be obliged to accept her not with open arms, but with open legs. or she can just force herself in. either way, i won't mind. hehe.

sisterhood

this is for you my good friend.

i may appear insensitive, but i feel you girl. i just don't want to belabor on the pain that's already crushing you. i can't tell you that she doesn't deserve you or she's not the one. but i think both of you don't deserve each other (it simply wasn't a lasting match as what we assumed). and yeah, for a few years, she was the one and you were her one, until another one came along. so you'll find your other one, that's for sure. :)

our initial reaction was, your gf doesn't look like the type who would cheat (well, it's cheating for me because she didn't give you a chance to know the problem and address it early on. instead, she dumped it to you, one time, big time, that it isn't working and suddenly, after years of togetherness and being mum about it, there's a huge problem in paradise and eve wants out). and we were all going "sayang" because you two seemed perfect for each other. but as another friend pointed out, "wala sa itsura yan." and it's not "sayang" if one chooses to end what you have because of another. maybe it is saving you both from further pain or she's in a hurry to begin the thing with the new one. in any case, as you assured us, there's a big, big girl underneath the fragile-looking form you have. and i anticipate lots of great writing stuff from you now that you're in a significant phase/situation. yeah, that was me being selfish or seeing the good side of this awful event. one has to be the voice of optimism here. hehe. seriously, may your tears be your ink and your pain the ball to your pen.

as i was categorizing my past posts, i came across, my heartbreak song by indigo girls (fare thee well). though it may seem like a different lifetime of a different woman's past, the song resurfaced all the emotions encapsulated by my heartbreak. and i realized, it will always be a painful past of mine. what's good though is it's now in the past. this means, trite as it may sound, whatever anguish you have now, it too will pass. *hugs*

image taken from here.
---

weekend

ano ang masarap gawin pag weekend? MATULOG !!! =)

Train Crush11 & 12

This is a first. Two train crushes in one photo.  That's it just one photo. I was too close, the train arriving, the people panicking, that I panicked too (for a different reason than the others at the station) and have only one pic for show and tell.

Why do they seem to be snubbing each other? I hope you two aren't fighting over me. Wehehe. I like them both, so if ever, this will be the realization of my threesome fantasy. Lol!  They're so different from each other, yet I like them both so much. Since I can't choose, might as well have both.  What are two arms for? This will be a test of give and take, of ambidexterity, of effective time management,  of flexibility and of stamina. Saya! :)

**updated the title as this post covers 2 train crushes :) **

Train Crush10

Do you know that I like reading? Reading you most specially. You're like Korean to me. I love Korean! Food that is, and the women too! :) now I think we're compatible. So much that I shiver with excitement. Which brings me to Shiver, the book you're staring at more than me. :( Am getting jealous. I looked it up and it had good reviews. They say its plot is similar to Twilight (which I never bothered to watch) and the similarity ends there. Shiver has better writing, greater character dimension and layers of sub-stories. Am glad you have good taste in books. Because I love reading and I love reading you. =)

Shiver cover:

Train Crush9

Portrait of a lady 
framed for all eternity
you and me 
here and there
divided by tracks in opposition
united by one instant collision
click.

Gays and Oprah

dang! how could i have missed this one?

interesting insights:

"You gay guys are so lucky. you get to make love with someone different every night."

"Yeah, he is a shrink. I think he knows more about this stuff than us. He has a degree, we just have Oprah."


this is essentially a love story.

Lez discriminated

Is female gay discrimination still prevalent? I haven't experienced this much. Maybe because I don't look like the obvious kind of lesbian or because I haven't really declared to the world of my sexual preference. But I noticed that female gays are accepted/tolerated to some degree.

Mostly accepted are femmes because they appear and act the same in public. But once a femme is seen with another female gay in public (more so if the mannish kind), people will give you a second look. The co-gays will give a knowing look, the younger straights with a curious stare, the older straights with disapproving gaze.

I think people in the metro don't mind female gays that much anymore. They only get affected if say a lez couple are heavily PDAing or a lez is on an eye catching outfit. In general the two cases apply even to straights.

The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that maybe I'm the one discriminating myself. Because I won't come out for fear of hurting my family. Maybe I am underestimating their capacity to understand and love me. And the truth is i really don't want to come out because I want to keep this part of me personal. I don't want the nuances of coming out - the heavy drama (I have enough to last a lifetime), the interrogation (kaya ba minsan hindi ka umuuwi sa bahay?!), the explanations (na hindi lang ako pumapatol sa tomboy, kundi tomboy din ako), the assurance (na hindi ako matutuyot).

I hope there's a support group for parents with gay kids so that  everyone can cope better. I'd like to educate them about gays without raising their suspicion of me.

Acceptance will be easier if they are equipped with correct information. They have to embrace not just me as their gay daughter but more importantly, the concept. Because the real battle for my parents I think is explaining/defending their daughter from relatives, neighbors, friends without hurting in the process.

Getting real

What is reality? That which is experienced by the eyes or what's felt by the heart? 

I see many people, from our house full of disappointing family members (who are blissfully ignorant) to the streets, to the train with busy, frantic commuters, all have problems of their own, up to the workplace where people dress up their reality with flashy outfits, colorful curses & shapeless smoking. 

I see all forms and molds, hear sob stories and some fantastic make believe  bragging. I watch like a moviegoer with a screen unfolding. I see, but I don't feel. It's strange or should i say am estranged?

If I were to put myself in the scene, I'll be my usual problematic self.  Atlas, with a world of concern on my shoulder. Is this for real? How can one person have all the problems of the world or feel the world crushing? If am just part of a scene, maybe it's bad acting or overacting. But if the emotion feels real, is it still overacting? 

Do I just size or do i seize? Do I empathize &  bleed to death or do I spectate, outside looking in?

I think i'd rather be a moviegoer than be part of the unfolding just for self preservation. The madness can consume me and I may lose it.  

Reality is arbitrary. There's old reality where we know what is right and things sort out on its own because people are inherently good. The universe will conspire of the old world. And there's the new reality of acceptance that try as we might, right we may be, we can/will still fail. And we just have to be somewhat unmaximillian about it. Appreciate the effort than the result. The value of trying and of good intention. The universe of the new reality is internal and it is us. We will try to conspire to our heart's intent.

Reality is all about perception and presentation. Reality is part make believe and part believing. I think I'll un-Atlas myself and just think of the world as it is - too big and herculean to even worry about, much more carry.