I’ve been avoiding writing. I’m scared to write because they say once you write your thoughts, it’s one step to becoming real. And my thoughts are edging to the dark side of things already. My heart is so burdened that it’s hard to ignore. I can’t contain it anymore and so, am letting the floodgate open.

In the end of a grueling week, I actually thought am losing it. in the height of my desperation, i actually considered that i may go nuts. the thought scared me shit. images of the beggars i shoot flashed my mind. is this how they started? 

the very idea that under extreme situation i may go crazy is very disturbing. i admit that i am depressed. but to admit a tendency to insanity is irreversible.

I tried not to lose my fighting spirit, but each spark of hope I have gets crushed. I try, with whatever little strength i have, to lift my head and look up, but something always kicks me flat on my face, to make me eat dirt. I want to fight, but I feel battered. I’m so tired and depleted, yet I can still feel great pain. why is this so? why can't i have the escape of even a dreamless sleep?

each day, i am being stripped of my self pride. without my pride, i am naked. i have abandoned my sense of right and i am lost. i have nothing and i am afraid.

My heart is so burdened that it needs saving. The floodgate is open and there's no turning back.

*photo is a portion of an abandoned truck's back


Anonymous said...

Someone, a blogger friend, had these words to offer me right before I saw my therapist: "sadness and loss are concepts, not people; emotions, not facts; in your mind and body, but not outside of it."

If I can wrap my heart and head around these words when things go bad again (because they do repeat themselves), then I can find my out again.

The art therapy also helped. Writing the 3BTs as well. Sometimes, a handful of good chocolates. And always, a friend who is ready to listen or hold your hand, or even just a couple of words online, help.

I know how it is.

Anonymous said...

i think you've been really good in handling sticky situations because you get to unload it in your blog, but, holding back doesn't actually give you any help. this blog is actually therapeutic and i hope you keep your sanity through it. get a grip girl. kaya mo yan! God bless po :) -w1cked

Anonymous said...

i hope i know from where these words are coming from...hey.. be strong.. no one will help you but yourself...keep the faith... twistedhalo

Anonymous said...

Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. - Girl Interrupted.

In that sense, we are all a little crazy at some point in our lives.


- Ephemeralbliss

Anonymous said...

sabi nga ni shrek "better out than in"
if you feel it's too much already, ok lang magparamdam na you're hurting, then you'll see people can be so much nicer around u, if u give them a chance...

don't know what ur going through pero dito lang kami...-notsobusy26

firewomyn said...

thank you ladies. your words are all full of wisdom and support. and i hold them close to me. i am not yet that looney not to recognize and appreciate the few people who care for me.

@borderlineunfriendly - i think those are powerful words. i actually uttered them earlier to help me focus. thanks for your suggestions. one at a time. =)

@w1cked - as i told you before, it's a daily struggle to keep myself sane with all the problems i have. i want to let go, but something is still left in my chest.

@twistedhalo - i know, it has always been just myself. iisa lang naman ang problema ko. alam mo na yun.

@Ephemeralbliss - hey, i missed you. may utang pa ko sayong treat. pasensya na kung matatagalan pa. it's good to know that this is just a phase. and i know i will overcome soon. am trying my best to cope. kung saan saan na ko humugot ng lakas pati sa inanimate objects. pahinga lang siguro ang kailangan ko.

@notsobusy26 - naku, wag mo na ko intindihin, i know you're going thru something din. madrama lang talaga ako. sabi nga ni ephemeralbliss, "amplified".

Anonymous said...

i understand... hayy i just hope and pray that your luck will turn upside down. God bless you always! -w1cked

firewomyn said...

@w1cked - it just did! finally! :)

Anonymous said...

ambiles naman sinagot ng prayers ko! :) God bless! -w1cked