9.03.2010

Lez discriminated

Is female gay discrimination still prevalent? I haven't experienced this much. Maybe because I don't look like the obvious kind of lesbian or because I haven't really declared to the world of my sexual preference. But I noticed that female gays are accepted/tolerated to some degree.

Mostly accepted are femmes because they appear and act the same in public. But once a femme is seen with another female gay in public (more so if the mannish kind), people will give you a second look. The co-gays will give a knowing look, the younger straights with a curious stare, the older straights with disapproving gaze.

I think people in the metro don't mind female gays that much anymore. They only get affected if say a lez couple are heavily PDAing or a lez is on an eye catching outfit. In general the two cases apply even to straights.

The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that maybe I'm the one discriminating myself. Because I won't come out for fear of hurting my family. Maybe I am underestimating their capacity to understand and love me. And the truth is i really don't want to come out because I want to keep this part of me personal. I don't want the nuances of coming out - the heavy drama (I have enough to last a lifetime), the interrogation (kaya ba minsan hindi ka umuuwi sa bahay?!), the explanations (na hindi lang ako pumapatol sa tomboy, kundi tomboy din ako), the assurance (na hindi ako matutuyot).

I hope there's a support group for parents with gay kids so that  everyone can cope better. I'd like to educate them about gays without raising their suspicion of me.

Acceptance will be easier if they are equipped with correct information. They have to embrace not just me as their gay daughter but more importantly, the concept. Because the real battle for my parents I think is explaining/defending their daughter from relatives, neighbors, friends without hurting in the process.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

this is wickedly clever and witty only that the conclusion is painful.. :( -w1cked

Straight-ish said...

"Is female gay discrimination still prevalent?"
- In our office, nothing overt.
- In the metro, I think it's more accepted.
- In our family, sadly it is.

That's why I can't even bring myself to talk about lesbianism at home. It pains me to simply imagine the "look" on their faces if I tell them.

Coming out is my Everest.

*sensha na ang haba na pala ng comment ko... na-sad ako bigla eh :(

borderlineunfriendly said...

Sa case ko naman, I just bought P home and she spends an inordinate time with me and my family (holidays, dinner, hanging out). I'm just lucky that P is an easy person to fall in love with and to like (hrm. I know, biased ako eh :D) so my family really likes her. No one was asking question and therefore I don't have to answer. Though there had been indicators that my parents were not as clueless as we would like them to be. & just the other day, Mama finally saw (because she had her eyeglasses on) a photo tacked on my worktable of me and P, with P kissing me (and no, it was not a friendly nor cousinly sort of kiss). She just said: Oh, si Paula.

Also: "co-gays"? Hehe.

Regarding coming out to parents (or not) with consideration of their feelings or readiness - it's really a prickly thing. In the end, we opt to keep it a secret dahil: una, we don't want them to feel hurt/uncomfortable and therefore affect our relationship with them and second, we can keep it a secret just a little be longer naman e, bearing it with a grin. I am lucky to have siblings who know of the real nature of my relationship with P and they are very supportive of me. Also, I'm known to be a brat and stubborn headed anyway, so... My rep precedes me :p

I think my point is - depende yan sa level ng openmindedness ng pamilya mo, at sa readiness mo din to come out to them. Wala talagang cut and dried formula how to go about this. We learn by trial and error. Kaya palaging may risk of rejection, but there is also the possibility na they will accept you because of their love for you and trust your judgements (given of course that you are a good kid to them hehehehe).

rz fortajada said...

I can relate. I just wish I could come out and not freak my very religious parents out. My dad is very homophobic and my mom's acceptance of lesbians begins and ends with daily episodes of Ellen.

I wish I could let them know that it's not their fault, nor mine. And that being straight is not a choice that I could make but just refuse to. Even if I did get married to a guy tomorrow, there will still be a part of me that likes/liked girls, and I just want them to accept that.

firewomyn said...

@w1cked - thanks. it's painful as it is real.

@Straight-ish - don't worry sister, Everest has been conquered numerous time. and we can too! ;) cheer up! :) true love is worth fighting and everest-ing for. *hugs*

@borderlineunfriendly - well explained. you are lucky w/ your gf.i think our families love us all, it's just that they come from a different generation and culture thus the disconnect. but in time, they will accept. good luck to us! :) and yeah, co-gays and am a good kid :)

@rz - my parents don't even watch ellen. i think lesbians are okay so long as it doesn't happen to their own family. it's a process rz, and we have each other here for support. am sure in time they will open up to it. :)

Anonymous said...

most probably your parents or at least your mom knows.. or have inclinations.. they just don't want to hear the answer...i never came out to my parents but they are supportive of whoever i am with.. when picture taking for the family comes they are the ones calling for my GF not me... at mas maganda pa ang regalo ng mga kafatid ko sa kanya kesa sa akin..hmm.. i agree with you though na mas less ang discrimination sa gay gels kesa sa guys..but lately i've notice that the metro is now a little tolerable....don't worry about your "coming out" that is so 90's. live and let live. do what makes you happy, kiber sa kanila di ba? a lot of people are not entitled to your truth...twistedhalo

firewomyn said...

@TwistedHalo - finally! nagparamdam ka din. where art thou? i like this part that you said, "a lot of people are not entitled to your truth". i agree. =)

Anonymous said...

ahaha.. madaming labada ang ate mo lately tapos panay pa ang ulan kaya di ako makapagsampay at makapagtuyo... di tuloy makapag online.. but i do sneek a peek once in a while.. gash, dami ko na pala na miss... i don't know where to comment!!....twistedhalo...

firewomyn said...

twistedhalo - buti naman at busy ang ate ko. baka pde idamay na rin labada ko. hehe. makati ka na ba?

one_blissful_nomad said...

Coming out to yourself is already an 'Everest" worth-celebrating about. :)

Usap tyo soon about coming out. Dami ko coming-out stories. Hehe.

mache said...

Now I understand.

I've had that experience with the parents and with the whole family. You know how Filipino families work. From the Lola to your youngest sibling...everyone is involved.

Regardless of how obviously lesbian you are, your family will always be in denial.

So when I was finally confronted with the issue, I just told everybody that I understand where they're coming from and that I totally respect their opinion. I told them that I wish I were them...but I'm not. I assured them that they shouldn't worry about me and the heavens and I know my God and that in the end...I am not, in any way, asking for their understanding...I am only asking for their acceptance.

So wala na silang nasabi. They know my partner and since nakita naman nila na matino siya at mahal ako, ok na lahat ngayon.

But you'll really pass through hell before you reach heaven. Mahirap, but the challenges are not impossible to hurdle.

I wish everyone the peace that I have found with my family.