8.19.2010

Chasm

Gf said she has eye sty. I instantly got concerned and fussed about it while we're in fx. I couldn’t see where the sty is so I prodded some more. Then her voice raised a little, and scolded me. In public. Ouch. For a millisecond I was just shocked at what she did. You know that feeling when you're with someone you love and you only see her, no one else? Well am like that. Helmet in full gear. I don’t care about other people, just her. So it didn’t dawn on me that my fussing is "nakakahiya" already for her. More than the shock, it hurt. To be embarrassed, and to be an embarrassment to her.  Sob. I just stopped and sat in stone silence, my mind doing an "I told you so" moment for being too much always with less sense of control.

My mind playing schizo retorted, "That I don’t get. Why do I have to control my feelings? It feels like repression to me. If I love you, I love you all the way. Why do I need to love you less if all the blood vessels leading to my heart just wants to pump love for you? "

Of course the I-told-you-so part of my brain slashed back, "That's your problem! All you do is love! Love! Love! Loving the way it suits you, the way you want it. Have you tried loving 'her'?"

Angry, schizo shouted, "Fuck you for even insinuating that my love is wrong. I do love her. That's all I want to do and will slave for." *voice trailing off, slumping back*

I-told-you-so mellowing, "I know baby. But sometimes you have to listen not only to your heart but hers too. It's not repression, it's being considerate and sensitive for the one you love. On the contrary to repression, it’s being more loving."

Schizo with eyes welling looked at I-told-you-so. And I-told-you-so just hugged Schizo, whispering, "hush now baby, it will be all right."

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My tragic flaw has always been I'm often too much. Too much love, too much pride, great expectations. In short, am such an emotional wreck. That's probably the reason why I thrive in IT because it's just me and the code, very close to becoming clinical. It's programmable to the expected result and it doesn’t shout back at you if you make a mistake. Just a passive dialog box or a text error message that thank goodness doesn’t come to life to reach out from the screen and strangle me.


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I once boasted to a lez friend that gf and I rarely fight. To which she retorted, "Mag-aaway din kayo!” It was in jest. But now, I have this gnawing suspicion she's a psychic, because we did fight. Sigh.

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I guess what I'm trying to really say is, I'm sorry baby.  :(


11 comments:

Purple78 said...

Dahil ako'y currently tigang, I can't relate. But I love that James Morrison song, it's in my playlist everyday. Sana magkabati na kayo ni gf. ;-)

G said...

our joke: LQ-LQ para QL. Lovers Quarrel para Queensland. ang Q ay isang sikat na mot-mot sa dvo. :p

peace ati! magcocomment na ako para join sa kulto. hehe

Kim said...

hmmmmmmmmmmm
and suddenly i become so inarticulate.
hmmmmmmmmmmmm

Straight-ish said...

aww I'm sorry to hear that. Siguro ganon talaga, she might be a bit short fused there PERO I'm sure she felt bad after that. And maybe it wasn't meant to come out that way to begin with.
Ur a big girl. I'm pretty sure, you know this things na - kaya nga bihira kayo magaway diba.... :) Smiiile It'll pass. dba mas masaya pag love-love kaysa sad-sad? Para di sayang ang moment :)

Anonymous said...

hello fw, surely nabigla din SO mo, i guess in a relationship (guess lang since no experience ehe) compromise is important, so what u think of MWFSun with PDA, and TThSat w/o?
just kidding, bawian mo nalang sa ibang bagay, I'm sure ur SO will oblige hehe, bait kaya ng SO mo, sa aura palang hehe, - notsobusy 26

one_blissful_nomad said...

There's a lot more to come, believe me! So be prepared. :) The positive side of it is that, the more you resolve those quarrels, all the more the relationship deepens.

Normal lang mag-away, fire. The best part of it is actually overcoming them and learning from them.

May you two be strong! Way to gooo! :D

firewomyn said...

@Purple78 - i think you've witnessed how gf and i are now :D i love James Morrison! i hope we don't fight over a man. hehe

@G - salamat sa pagbabalik-loob sa kulto! ;) i think we also have Queensland in Manila. i like that, LQ-QL :D

@Kim - you're never inarticulate, you just want to be silent about this.

@Straight-ish - am happy to say, she did "suyo" me and we're now so full of love love love! thanks for the messages :)

@notsobusy 26 - yep, she's very mabait, but has moments too.i like your suggested schedule ha! hehe. i might consider that. haha.

@one_blissful_nomad - thank you for the words of wisdom. you are so right sister :)

Anonymous said...

hmm you have a way with words. :)
-w1cked

Purple78 said...

You and gf are a cute couple, inggetttt akooooo! Yun lang, hehe. :-)

Anonymous said...

i can empathize... minsan pag ganyan napapatahimik lang ako, alam na niya na she offended me. prob is pagnagtampo naman ako... matagal bago ako nakakarecover. kaya hirap din siya suyuin ako. kaya away-bati. nway, gud for you nga e, hindi kayo masyadong nag-aaway... cheers to both of you. :) -w1cked

Anonymous said...

"Mag-aaway din kayo!" :o) I said that to you, not to hope it happens, but because it makes relationships grow.

Long ago my partner used to fuss over me like a child, brushing snow frantically off my hat and coat, fixing my hair, and sometimes trying to pick snot from my nose. In public. It annoyed the hell out of me and caused a lot of fights.

She's better now, she still fusses over me but knows by a single look or gesture from me that it's time to back off, and when we get home she can pick my nose all she wants :)

Hope you are well, darling. Drop me a note sometime ;p