a reason to blog

ok, it's my birthday. i almost forgot.
geez!
nway. i have to treat my team for lunch! a must! i spend more time with my colleagues than with my family, so that makes them more than family! ugh!

amid the heartaches and mini triumphs we experienced, i love those guys. eck! good thing they're not reading this. we've never been in an emotional level. well, if you can call the heated arguments, the anger, the frustration with each other and the 'sermons' as emotional interactions, then me and my team's more like blood brothers then. hehehe.

literally and figuratively. we've been thru hell and back. spilled blood, sweat, guts and tears. and whatever juice left of our body.

we've given our all for this company we work for. heart and mind.
i think there's no greater love than that.

now i think im gonna cry. boo! hoo! lol!

*group hug!*

ok, im sounding sappy already.
hey, give me some slack!
i know it's out of character, but i have a valid excuse, it's my D DAY :p

pensive in palawan

i want to break free!

OFF TO PALAWAN :)

forgive my father for he has sinned

my current relationship w/ my tatay is limited to monosyllabic responses (answerable by yes or no is best) to his inquiries and him asking for money during sweldo.

when i was a child, we speak in terms of his belt on my skin or his palm on my face.
and my replies are in black and blue, in bruises, in muted pain and of nurtured hatred.

u kinda get used to it to a pt that it no longer hurts, physically and emotionally.

bec of this, he stopped 'disciplining' us.

i dont know if it is lack of education or simply his lord mentality that makes him think that he is still the head of the family and shd be followed at all times despite the fact that he has long ago stopped assuming that role.

dig this. he didn't buy any appliance/stuff in the house. yet he controls the them all.
kainis di ba? you can't choose the shows to watch from the tv w/c you bought, bec sya ang nasusunod.
*feeling ko, pag tinago ko ang remote control, maghuhuramentado un or babasagin na lng ang tv para walang makinabang!*

psycho.

last night, i just found out that my father has a mistress who's pregnant right now and wants to live with her.
*w/c in truth is fine w/ me really, so long as he doesn't come back*

the catch though is that he wants us to financially support 'them'.

the mistress by the way is just in her early twenties (younger than me), and accdng to rumors, is mentally challenged.

but the real deal is this, my tatay is saying that it is not his, but since naaawa sya, he will just take the baby as his.
awwww! so sweet of my tatay. so mabait di ba?
to sacrifice and leave his own family just so to save a dimwit damsel in distress.
gee. what more can i say.
gusto ko lang tumumbling.

it doesn't end there.
my sister and her bf will get married soon.
and mamamanhikan sa haws namin next week.
when tatay found out abt it, he told us, 'tamang-tama, ipapakilala ko na rin ang bago kong aasawahin'.
ugh. he said that w/o batting an eyelash. as if it's the most natural thing in the world.

i don't know if he's testing our threshold for sanity or he's lost his mind already.

if that's the case, then they deserve each other i guess :)

i hope the gurl cares for him, bec i (and the rest of the family) simply cant.

hiatus

apologies to everyone.

far from kumakalat na tsismis and urban legend,
nde pa po ako 'lumagay sa tahimik (read: nagpakasal)
*baka kasi dahil sa last post ko, kya ganun ang dating :D hehe*

or nagka-metacarpal tannal syndrome kya nde na makatype.
*da closest i got was kalyo sa daliri and varicose veins. ugh!*

at nde rin po ako nafire or ngresign kaya nde na ko ngbblog.
*alam ko madalas ko idahilan ito*

hmm... parang nag-february lng tinamad na ko mgblog.
oops! :D hehe.
i confess, mejo tinatamad ako mgblog lately.
and ala din akong ganang mgblog hop.
ewankoba. hayy.

ngfofocus muna ko sa aking ungrateful job.
subsob muna sa trabaho.
kayod marino kumbaga.
*palusot!!!!*

walang mashadong emosyong dumadaloy sa katawan ko kundi pagod.
ang tanging lakas na meron ako ay lakas ng pananampalataya na matatapos din 'tong phase na to.

in da hope na maenergize ko ang aking blog spirit,
bumili ako ng sangkatutak na vitamins!
tinry ko din imotivate sarili ko thru delectable food (sisig for lunch, apple cinnamon danish & mango juice for dessert)
i shopped for new clothes and shoes too.
my logic is, to make myself happy such that i'll be excited to blog and have something to write.

but it seems to be not working.

nde pala nabibili ang motivation.
at lalong nde ito parang gutom na pdeng idaan sa lamon
or appetite na napapagana ng vitamins :(

da only conclusion i can derive from this experience (granted that i understood it na) is that,
inspiration/interest (w/c i lack right now) is not about fulfiling basic needs and material acquisition.

*disclaimer: just bec i currently have a gf whom i love doesn't mean it solves all problems*

so i will write nonsensical stuff (like this one) as i await enlightenment *in yoga position*,
let all of you be warned: random trash ahead.

don't expect witticism of sorts here for the meantime.

firewomyn has lost her fire.
im stripped to being the womyn, w/ a mundane life, lost in a way, and nothing much to say.

shower thoughts

during my shower, i realized why me and my gf clicks.
it is bec. we've been friends longer than my exes.
i can distinguish the difference.
we're more fluid. the rapport is better.
there is unspoken understanding.
it's almost like a 'couple' feeling.
i'm just happy that we turned out fine :)

womyn in my mind

**warning!!! mush ahead! wehehe.**

omg! firewomyn is inlove!
how is firewomyn when inlove?
awfully ksp
consistently smiling
unbelievably inspired
unstoppably touchy
incredibly magastos
definitely loyal.

to da womyn in my mind:

i think you're so cute when you smile w/ your bangs falling just below your specs. and when you pout just to make fun of my antics.

goodies!

dis may seem schizo of me (after dat awful entry prior to dis) but it's not always doomsday for me.
here's a lil bit of sunshine & some redemption :)

• on a lighter note, i'm free of my credit card debt already! yipee!!!
• and i got back the 50% deduction i was punished with! *tumbling* twas a mess due to lapses in translation
• had my defective atm finaly replaced after an exasperating experience & creating a scene at the bdo bank
• my best friend's movin to makati w/ a hottie roommate! dis means more gimik time w/ my frends! hooray!

inTENSE!

kung lalaki siguro ako, umakyat na itlog ko sa leeg ko.
im dat tense right now.
on more controlled situations where there's still an atom of poise left in me, and i know there's a way out (read: lusot!),
i would have just spit, im not tense, im intense!
but, the reality is i've fucked up big time! and the damage is 60+ customers getting updated to the beta version of our soon to be released software (w/c i must add, is still under QA test).

i prayed hard for the earth to just swallow me whole, or i suddenly catch a contagious disease (in the hope that they'll pity me and won't find it in their hearts to be mad at me).

in my escapist mind, im believing that this is all a nightmare w/c i will soon wake up from.
or only a handful of people was affected, err, like 1 or 2? :D

i almost had a hear attack after running one query (to verify the damage) and saw the result of almost 300 customers affected by that fatal error. it's almost like 300 pairs of eyes glaring at me and questioning my capacity in this job. i imagined myself shrinking in their cold stare and getting buried alive from where i stand.

i did another query and it downsized to 69 (one of my favorite number, but not on this particular case). great! it's still a whole LOT of actual customers!

i would hav cried already but the fear crystallized the tears even before they come out of my eyes. cold fear.

if i don't get to update this blog anymore, that means i've been guillotined. but if i get lucky, i'll just lose my job. darn!

it never gets easy anymore. i want my mommy! sob. sob. :(

food for thought

m so famished that my head aches already.
i dunno what's wrong with me.

i already felt the tummy need hours before.
and i know, without thinkin that i'll soon be hungry.
and i also know by experience that once i dont get the nourishment i need,
my head would be bitchin with me already.

and yet, i just continue with what im doing.
disregarding all the warning signs.
so my present predicament.

i dunno why i behave like this.
it's almost a death sentence if i continue with this eating pattern.

is it just pure laziness to go downstairs and scrounge for a meal and satiate the demands of
my complaining tummy? or a hunger strike after all the unjust things done to me by my ungrateful profession?

i think im just plain nuts.
i knowingly abuse myself.
and i have this deep-seated faith that my body

will self-heal and self-sustain.

who am i kidding?

knowing is not enough.
and faith has limits.

im soo dead! ugh!

**ramblings of a famished womyn**

a girl, a coke and a song

note:
song in the coke tv ad, w/ da gurl in red who has a case of colas in her bag :D
nde ako umiinom ng softdrinks pero i specially like dis song.
swabe lng pro may dating ;)




sana'y masabi sa awit kong ito
lahat ng ninanais nitong puso ko
sana saan man, patungo sa buhay
may pag-ibig, may pag-asa,
may saya at saysay
sana sa bawat sandali matikman pa
sarap ng pagsasama at simpleng ligaya
tara na,
sakyan lang
malay mo
andyan lang,
andyan lang
ang hinahanap mo.

quote in time

"laughter is often the best
and sometimes the only response to pain"

-bill clinton

yuppy's (young urban poor professional) tale

back to earth!

work sucks big time!
just when i've been doin' my damn best all for the love of my work, i get to be knocked down by the ultimate fact abt being a yuppy (young urban poor professional).

it's all about the dough!

i just got the big news that my salary has been slashed to half all because i failed to copy furnish the big boss' exec. asst in my mgt report for 4 friggin' days.

this implies that a day's work is broken down into two:

50% actual work w/ output (meetings, submission of deliverables, issue resolutions, sending of reports)

50% copy furnishing the EA on sending the mgt report thru email

Whatta fuckin' revelation to me! Tangina!

As was taught in UP, the corporate world doesn't just kill the activist in you -- it obliterates it!

I'm really upset right now. crushed, disgruntled and uber pissed!

heaven help me :(

I've been in series of overnight work for days now and the usual fighter in me is not up for a duel right now.
I lack the physical strength to argue and spit fire. I may feel beat, but definitely not beaten.
Tom is a day for reckoning! Tangina nyong lahat! Resbak time!

bakit ayaw ko mainlove?

kasi ayaw ko na muna mapraning
ung tipong nde lng sha magtext for a few hours e ikot n pwet ko, kakaisip kung ano na nangyayari sa kanya or kung mahal pa nya ko.

kasi ayaw ko ng obligasyon.
shempre, kakamustahin mo, kung kumain na ba, kung nakauwi ba ng safe, kung ok lng sha, kung matutulog na ba sha. magpapaalam ka sa mga lakad mo or activities mo.

kasi gusto ko magfocus sa work ko.
pg inlove ka kasi and may konti lang kayo tampuhan, apektado na work mo, kasi nde ka makaconcentrate kakaisip abt sa inyo and pano ayusin ung tampuhan/away nyo. and you have to devote time for QT (quality time), so bawas muna OT pra maka QT.

kasi gusto ko sana magtipid.
nde naman sa nagbibilang, kaso totoo namang pag inlove, magastos. kasi generous ako pg inlove.
txt galore. call galore. date galore. gift galore.
(ohshit! tunog matrona ah! wehehe)

kasi gusto ko pa magwala.
in other words, gusto ko pa mambabae! lol! :D

kasi takot pa ko masaktan.
ewankoba, andami gustong gusto na mainlove, kahit alam naman natin na nde maiiwasan ang masaktan.
kakambal na ng love ang pain.

kasi gusto ko muna mahalin sarili ko.
minsan kasi pg sobrang inlove, nalilimot ang sarili para lang sa mahal nya. swerte mo kung ang mamahalin mo ay aalagaaan ka ng husto at mas priority ang mapasaya ka.

kasi nde pa ko handa magsinungaling na naman sa pamilya ko.
dahil closet ako, madaming itatago: ang pagdedate, ang pgdeny sa kung may karelasyon ka na (kasi nde nmn nila kakayanin kahit aminin mo), kung saan lakad mo at sino kasama mo, sino kausap mo sa phone, sino nagbigay sau nyan (gifts ng mahal mo), para kanino yang binili mo, etc. magtatahi na naman ng elaborate na kasinungalingan.

kasi ayaw ko na naman umasa.
na ito na un! na magtatagal ito.

kung pdeng mamili, ayaw ko pa mainlove.
kung pdeng umiwas, ayaw ko pa mainvolve.
kung kayang bawalan ang puso, ayaw ko muna ito kumabog
kung kayang pigilan ang damdamin, ayaw ko munang umibig.

kaso nde pde, nde kaya.
so kahit ayaw ko pang mainlove, wala akong magagawa.
kundi :

-mapraning sa pag-aalala para sa minamahal.
-maging responsable nde para sa sarili lamang kundi sa kabiyak.
-matutong balansehin ang trabaho at relasyon.
-gumastos ng para sa dalawa at nde mgkwenta (kasi walang price tag ang pagmamahal).
-magwala or do wild stuff pero tangi lamang sa kasintahan.
-maging handa na masaktan at iwasang masaktan and tinatangi hanggat maaari.
-mahalin ang sarili at kapareha.
-maglihim muna sa pamilya para sa ikakapayapa ng lahat.
-umasam at pagsikapang tumagal ang pagsasama.


ayaw ko pa sanang mainlove, pero huli na.
dahil umiibig na uli ako.

kapag sinabi ko sa iyo

by gary granada



**dahil inlababo ako ... :p **


kapag sinabi ko sa iyo
na ika'y minamahal
sana'y maunawaan mo
na ako'y isang mortal
na nde ko kayang abutin mga bituin at buwan
di kaya ay sisirin perlas ng karagatan

kapag sinabi ko sa iyo
na ika'y iniibig
sana'y maunawaan mo
na ako'y taga-daigdig
kagaya ng karamihan
karaniwang karanasan
dala dala kahit saan
pangaraw-araw na pasan

ako'y nde romantiko
sa iyo'y di ko matitiyak
na 'pag ako'y kapiling mo
kailan may di ka iiyak
mga magandang hinaharap
sikapin nating maabot
ngunit kung nde pa maganap
sanay wag mong ikalungkot

kapag sinabi ko sa iyo
na ika'y sinisinta
sana'y ibigin mo ako
mulat ang iyong mga mata
kayamanan kong dala
ay pandama't kamalayan
na natutunan sa iba
na nabighani sa bayan

halinat ating pandayin
isang malayang daigdig
upang doon payabungin
isang malayang pag-ibig

kapag sinabi ko sa 'yo
na ika'y sinusuyo
sana'y yakapin mo ako
kasama ang aking mundo.

for da love of

ang firewomyn pg nanahimik, at nde nagsusulat, ibig sabihin, ginapos n ng trabaho kya nde man lng makapag-update ng blog :)

o kaya dami lakad kya walang time kumapa ng pc, *kc iba ang kinakapa! wehehe!*

ang totoo nito, naging abala talaga ako sa aking so-called career. nde talaga madali kumita ng pera.
nasa isa akong propesyon na nde ko naman napag-aralan at nde natural na hilig. ang tanging gusto ko dito s trabaho ko ay ang sahod, at technology.
but come to think of it, sagana nga ako sa net connection, nasa mtg naman ako lagi. syet!
competitive nga sahod, kaso antaas din ng stress level ko. potek naman o!
kumbaga, kulang p sahod ko pangpsychiatrist, pmpaospital, ska pambili ng sandamakmak n vitamins.
so nage-even out lng pala sha. tangina! lugi pala ako ah. darn!
nde nmn ako bobo ska martir, so there must be other reasons why im still here in this company after 2yrs of gradual torture. ano nga ba? *piga piga s kakaisip*

when i started here, i lyk d culture. multiracial *altho ang totoo, 2 races lng, pinoy at others*
iba rin mejo ung experience pg may expat kang katrabaho, maeexercise leeg mo kakatingala pg kausap cla.
mejo gagaling ka s english or s slang nila. mga generic vocabs na nagagamit, "dunno, gonna, yeah, really?! right, uhuh". tatapang ang tolerance mo s amoy ng nde agad naliligo or ngtutoothbrush pagkakain. matututo kang maging straight forward. dito ko rin narealize n pde k naman maging successful and at d same time maintain ur individuality!

kc kahit ano isuot mo ok lng, it won't affect how ur work is perceived or evaluated. mismong ceo namin nakaslippers lng madalas e ska nakashurt pero antindi ng utak! pde kang may tattoo or tongue ring ska maging palamura or bastos pro nde ibig sabhin non e wala kang pinag-aralan. matinik k p rin s work mo.
dito rin ako namulat n nde porke kano e magaling na. dami ring palusot ng mga un! kaya equal n lng tingin ko s kanila. ang bilib ako s kanila or atleast s expat ska foreigners n nakakadaupang-palad ko is ung assertive cla magsalita, kahit mali cla. nadadaan s delivery. kainis! pro pg nsanay k n, nde k n basta papadala, eepal k n rin.

ang mga tao dito, mga liberated, open lahat ng topic. sex/porn, drugs, rock n roll, politics, sports, napag-uusapan, walang taboo. nde mshado uso tsismis kc open book halos lahat s buhay nila. or wala lang pakialam or pakialamanan. e ano kung s babae ako nagkakagusto, e ano kung may asawa na ang jowa nung isa, e ano kung kalahati ng edad nya ang syota nya, e ano kung cross dresser sya, e ano kung may kabit ung isa, e ano kung madami nakakasex ung isa, e ano bang paki mo?! astig d ba?!

nde madali ang trabaho dito. kasi ang kakompetensha namin ang buong universe! kalabanin mo b naman ang microsoft, nde b parang universe n rin ang kinalaban mo?! tangina work here is tougher dan carabao meat i tell you!

nde uubra ang petiks. madaling mabisto ang mga puro bullshit lng. at lilitaw at lilitaw kung wala kang utak or tamad ka.

24/7 ang operation kc part dotcom e. so on-call status ako. ibig sabihin, walang oras na pinipili, pde kang tawagan pg may problema, parang tunog super hero di ba? hehehe. dati, masaya ako pg nagriring celphone ko, pero ngayon, may halong kaba na. kc malamang s kulang, problema ito. naranasan ko na ang gisingin ng madaling araw at bumalik sa ofc ng nakatsinelas at shorts lng. nde na rin bago ung asa gitna k ng panonood mo ng sine ay tatawagan ka. kanya-kanyang coping mechanism n lng ito. pdeng takas k muna from work then balik k n lng kung alam mo n gagabihin k rin lng. or kung makapal-kapal k, dedmahin ang col or ioff ang fone. goodluck n lng kung majajustify mo sha kinabukasan! bawat segundo n down ang sistema nyo, ilang dollars ang nalulugi. hanep s pressure di ba? so wala ka nang choice kundi tumapang otherwise, pakamatay k n lng or lumipat.

u might ask, for da love of god & myself, bakit despite ng sangkatutak kong reklamo at hirap, e andito p rin ako?

isang malalim na hay. i guess, underneath my battle scars, it's for da sheer love of my work that's why i continue to fight and continue to be challenged :)

fish & fire wisdom

1. when someone says "I love you" to you, it actually means, "Do you love me too?"

-nugget of wisdom from goldfish memory

2. when someone says "i love you" to you

a. and you don't feel the same, just say, "thank you!" *that says it all*

b. and you like the person but not really love yet, just hug the person tight *it's a positive response w/o really committing to anything yet*

c. and you want to test the sincerity of the person, ask, "why?" *if s/he can't say anything, it's probably just great sex! wehehe!*

-nuggets of wisdom from firewomyn


hapi weekend!!!

the goddamn girl is mine!

*note: para sa mga possessive na tulad ko! ahehehe. pag kinanta nyo to, masarap pag lasing na, para with conviction when you say, "bec d goddamn girl is mine!" *tagay pa!* wehehe. napakinggan ko to in reggae version, patok! pag may nakita akong downloadable na ganung rendition, post ko dito. for the meantime, mgtyaga muna tau kay jacko and paul mccartney ;)


[1st verse (womyn1)]
every night she walks right in my dreams
since i met her from the start
i'm so proud i am the only one
who is special in her heart

[chorus]
the girl is mine
the goddamn girl is mine
i know she's mine
because the goddamn girl is mine

[2nd verse (womyn2)]
i don't understand the way you think
saying that she's yours not mine
sending roses and your silly dreams
really just a waste of time

[chorus]
because she's mine
the goddamn girl is mine
don't waste your time
because the goddamn girl is mine

[bridge (womyn2)]
i love you more than she
(take you anywhere)

[womyn1]
but i love you endlessly
(loving we will share)

[womyn1 & womyn2]
so come and go with me
to one town

[womyn1]
but we both cannot have her
so it's one or the other
and one day you'll discover
that she's my girl forever and ever

[3rd verse (womyn2)]
i don't build your hopes to be let down
'cause i really feel it's time

[womyn1]
i know she'll tell you i'm the one for her
'cause she said i blow her mind

chorus (womyn1)
the girl is mine
the goddamn girl is mine
don't waste your time
because the goddamn girl is mine

[womyn1 & womyn2]
she's mine, she's mine
no, no, no, she's mine
the girl is mine, the girl is mine
the girl is mine, the girl is mine

[womyn2]
the girl is mine, (yep) she's mine
the girl is mine, (yep) she's mine

[womyn1]
don't waste your time
because the goddamn girl is mine
the girl is mine, the girl is mine

[womyn2]
womyn1, we're not going to fight about this, okay

[womyn1]
womyn2, i think i told you, i'm a lover not a fighter

[womyn2]
i've heard it all before, womyn1
she told me that i'm her forever lover, you know, don't you remember

[womyn1]
well, after loving me, she said she couldn't love another

[womyn2]
is that what she said

[womyn1]
yes, she said it, you keep dreaming

[womyn2]
i don't believe it

[womyn1 & womyn2]
the girl is mine (mine, mine, mine)

[fade-out/repeat]

mahika ng erotika

imagination is the creator of erotika.
there are good writers who can write out of pure imagination and there are those typical writers who needs to experience things before they can write about it.

mas masarap maranasan at imaginin ang erotika kaysa isulat.

para itong bola ng apoy na gumugulong at namamaso mula sa puso pababa sa puson.

ang init na didila at magpapausok sa lahat ng madikitan nito.
painit ng painit, hanggang sa matupok lahat ng katanungan at pag-aalinlangan.

sa dilim, mga liyab ng mata ang tanging makikita.
nakakauhaw na init.
nakakapaglaway.
nakakagutom.

isipin mo ang isang tigreng may matatalim na pangil na pinakinis ng walang kulay na laway.
na may dilang mapula at pinadulas ng pagkabasa.
mga tingin nito'y galit at nag-aapoy.
nakatitig sayo.
ndi ka makagalaw.
para kang nahypnotize ng kanyang tapang.
kung gano kalakas at nakakatakot ang kanyang dating, ganun naman sya kadahan-dahan kumilos papalapit sayo.

*o isip mo lang yon na ninanamnam ang eksena?*

iibabawan ka nya at bago ka pa nya mahawakan, ay tutuluan ka muna ng kanyang laway.
hahalo sa luha ng iyong pawis.
ang unang pagniniig.
walang magsasalita.
tanging kabog ng dibdib at malalim na hininga ang mangugusap.

dahan-dahan syang bababa sa iyong kinahihigaan.
dadanti ang kanyang balahibo sa iyong umaasam na balat.
ibabaon nya ang kanyang nakakahiwang pangil sa iyong kalambutan.
aagos ang luha at dugo.

*this is what i call exquisite pain!*

ipipikit mo ang iyong mata sa katotohanang lalamunin ka nya ng buhay at papatayin ng unti-unti. habang sya'y pinapalakas ng iyong kahinaan.

gutom sya at ika'y mapagparaya.
malakas sya at ika'y mahina.
sya ang diyos at ikaw ang alay.

Dykes In The City: You Didn't Get The Memo

12.31.04

By Shannon Ray




Relationships - everyone has had a few. When any two separate forces join as one, the results can be potent or placid. Mix in things like love, commitment and personal agendas, the scales can tip in no one’s favor. The rarely equal balance of power in any relationship is strange at best.

Things like control of the remote and bathroom territory are fought for on a daily basis. Control in a relationship has to be balanced between the partners and all relationships have a flow of their own. It’s a dance that only the two involved know the steps to, their own personal two-step.

The dynamics of any butch-femme relationship still amaze me. A femme harnessing her power can be sweet and loving or sting like no one's business. Butches know that. And they thrive off of it. We have the power and give you butches the privilege of thinking that you do. Remember that behind every successful butch is a femme telling her what to do. It’s quite ironic how the imposing butch rides shotgun most days while we the femmes take the wheel.

No one ever tells us that these things, we just seem to find out as we go along. I guess that most butches just didn’t get the memo when it comes to femme behavior. So, how about a set of rules that butches could go by, regulations to live by when dating and doing us. Try to remember you butches maybe have control in the bedroom. The femmes have control everywhere else.

We as a sisterhood want the Butch to understand and nurture us. To remember that just because you boi’s might wear the strap-ons doesn’t mean that we don’t wear the pants. So with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek - here are the Femme Rules:

Rule #1- The FEMME is always right.

Rule #2- Frequent Flower Miles = FFM. Know it, love it, live it.

Rule #3- Mind reading is not an option; it’s a requirement.

Rule #4- Hell hath no fury like a femme pissed off.

Rule #5- Finger sucking is a perfectly acceptable means of bartering.

Rule #6- Keep us happy - diamonds always work well.

Rule #7- The Butch is expected to read the mind of the FEMME at all times.

Rule #8- And, at all times, it is only important what the FEMME meant, not what she actually said.

Rule #9 -The FEMME always makes all the rules. They are subject to change without notice. No Butch can possibly know all the rules. If the FEMME suspects the Butch knows the entire rules, we can and will change them.

Rule #10- If it appears the FEMME is wrong (which we know will never happen), it is because of a heinous miscommunication. Eventually this can be traced back to something the Butch did or said wrong. If so, the said Butch must apologize immediately. The FEMME can change her mind at ANY time. The Butch is not allowed to ever change his mind w/out the express, written consent of the FEMME.

Rule #11- We have every right to be furious or aggravated at any time. Said Butch is expected to be calm at all times. That is unless we, the FEMMES want the otherwise. We will never let you know what we want you to be, we just expect you to be it.

Rule #12- If the FEMME has PMS, all the rules are null and void and the Butch must cater to her every whim. Gifts of chocolate, flowers and jewelry are greatly appreciated.

Rule #13- The FEMME is "the boss". The Butch may carry the boss title, and it may appear to others that the Butch is in control, but we know who the real boss is... and don't forget it!

Rule #14- When we say we are “fine” we rarely are. We use at the end of any debate when we are right and want to have the last word. This also applies to the “nothing” when asked what’s wrong. If a Butch gets two “fines” and a “nothing” during a conversation they are to not pass “GO”, they do not collect $200.

Rule #15- Shoe shopping is an art form. It takes great skill and agility finding the perfect shoes for an outfit that we don’t own yet.

Rule #16- It’s not your imagination, we do have a mental Rolodex. We can and will use it at any given point. And for any given situation as we see fit.

Rule #17- We hate it when you mutter under your breath, refer to us as the “ball and chain”, and say things like “ Yes Dear” or “Whatever you want honey.”

Rule #18- If ever in doubt, always refer to rule #1.

Life with us Femmes is never easy. We can be bossy, loud and downright demanding. We want to be treated like a princess while respected as very capable women. We never want to be second place in your life, nor the first runner-up in the love lottery. Remember that we’re still loving and doting while you push us away. News flash for those of you living in denial- Butches have a lot of crap and baggage too. It all depends on if you chose to read between the lines.


© 2004 Shannon Ray, All Rights Reserved

unfaithful at an ungodly hour (3:23am)

warning: this is a randomly thought entry written early in da morning. i've been letting it jel in my head for some time now. anyway, here goes...


i have just recenly understood why people become unfaithful.
when one is taking for granted the other, that is when it starts. and then the other just let the issue coagulate inside him/her.

i always think that temptations are constantly around us. what makes it real is the moment we take notice of them and identify them as such. because by then, it means they got your attention and you are interested.

i don't classify a person as a temptation if i can resist them.
it's like this, kahit sangkatutak na babae ang maghubad sa harapan mo, pero walang tumindig na kahit isang nerve ending sa erogenous zone mo, then they are no temptation at all.

but if you meet someone whom you know you like w/o much ado, that ladies and gentlemen is a certified temptation in the offing, one in the league of eve serving you with a juicy apple you so badly want to taste and eat all the way!

so how do you cook unfaithfulness?
first, you must have a spoonful of dissatisfaction, marinate overnight, then sprinkle with temptation, then let it simmer for a few minutes, and voila! infidelity is ready to be served.

infidelity is a conscious thing. i don't buy the crap often used that it just happened.
infidelity is an action and more so a decision.
from the first moment you felt the excitement w/ this tempting person, you know what you are getting yourself into.
you can actually smell infidelity brewing.

to justify the act or dilute the guilt, you just don't label and not over-analyze what's happening. so instead of confronting your partner abt your issues, you keep it to yourself & let the other use guesswork. and you choose to be comforted by a 'friend' whom you'll pour your heart and gut out and disguise the whole dynamics as friendship.

if you have the courage to be unfaithful, have also the same guts to admit it for what it really is. that it is something you chose to do, a pathway you chose to take regardless of your partner's or the relationship's inadequacies.

is infidelity a sin?
for me it is not. lying is.
infidelity is just one of the many manifestations of lying.

the issue i think is that the infidels can't admit or face their predicament as it is, and thus results to lying.
the situation is simple. may nangangaliwa kasi may nde na masaya. may nagkulang. you've lost it, ergo, all the previous arragements/agreements (you started w/ da relationship) no longer hold true for the present.

when faced w/ temptation, it's either you give in or you resist.
i think if you're truly happy w/ ur partner, there is no need to resist bec you're simply not interested.
but the moment you are resisting, that means something.
it's like a fight, you are fightin your own self. if that is the case, then you are denying yourself of what it desires, w/c in this case, is to be free of your partner to sample the temptation.

you can only be faithful to others if you are first faithful to yourself. because by then, you know yourself, what you desire, what can make you happy.

being unfaithful to others is just being faithful to yourself and what your self desires. and you can never be completely faithful to anybody other than your own self.

pasko na, tangina!

note: dahil malapit na ang mismas, magkantahan muna tayo!
dis is dedicated to all my frends, fiends (yes, pati kau!) and fans :) wehehe.
napapraning na naman ako. pagpasenshahan nyo na.

pasko na, tangina!
by firewomyn

**to da tune of pasko na sinta ko**



pasko na, tangina!
wala pa ring sinta
bakit nagkaganto?
kyut naman ako :(

kung mababakante,
ang saklap, tangina!
pano ang paskong alang S-O... (Significant Other)

sayang tangina!
ang olats naman
kung walang kahawak-kamay...

nais ko nang sa chat maghanap
ng kakariring masarap! ;)

kung talagang wala na
makuhang sinta,
tangina, oks lang,
inuman na 'to!


**a gay mismas to everyone!!!**

starbucks @ midnight

what is the taste of loneliness?
it's the blandness of hot choco that got cold of waiting.
the unfinished banana bread that lost its appeal after just a few bites.

what is the look of loneliness?
it is the empty seat beside where you're seated from.

what is the sound of loneliness?
the deafening silence in your head that gets drowned by everybody's noisy chatter.

what is the feel of loneliness?
the hollow feeling of your heart when you give it a tug. And the need to poke at it just so you can feel it throb.
it is the muscle ache at your back whose caress will only come from your own hands.
the headache that will only be soothed by the clinical effect of advil.

what is the face of loneliness?
tears flowing freely, bec no one will dry them w/ soft kisses & whispers of assurance.
an upward twitch of the lips poorly imitating a smile that doesn't quite reach the eyes, much more touch thy soul.

it is me, staring back at the stranger from my own reflection.

a day in my lyf

andaming pdeng mangyari sa isang araw.
sa isang araw ng buhay ko,
mga ilang oras yata akong masaya at maghapong pissed off.

una kasi mejo mahaba ang tulog ko, so magaan pakiramdam ko.
then i look good today & for once, im in no rush or sumthin like that.
also during our mancom, maayos naman lahat.
meaning, nde ako nasermonan, nde ako ang sentro ng usapan at isyu, saling pusa lang.
ansaya naman :)

nakapagkwentuhan pa kme ng boss ko.
we shared our frustrations and we had empathy.
i accomplished a lot of little stuffs today (err, im not sure if they're counted, but what the heck! it still feels good to have finished something!)

this is starting to be an unusual day.
true to form, my day is not my day if it aint got the heat!
so come after lunch, one shit after another started flooding in.

first i got some crap from a guy who just feels not workin' today w/ a reason that he's finished his task the other day.
whattafuck kind of thinkin is that?!
first, sinong dyos ang nagsabi sa kanya na tapos na sya?!
e sino ba ang nagchecheckoff?! duh?!
and also, so what kung tapos ka na?! madaming projects ang naghihintay!
he has this artificial sense of what 'done' means.
typical developer mentality. give me a break!
e kung tapusin ko kaya ang buhay nya dito sa opisinang to?!
nde ko alam kung bobo sha or nagtatanga-tangahan lng sha.

and as if that wasn't enough, da guy had da gall (if it's not that then he is simply stupid!) to missend a text to me w/ a nasty reference to me. as in putangina!
pero after a few breaths and quick thinkin, sensibility took over sense.
im not bothered at all by that, afterall, it is not as if, we can't move on w/o him.
if he feels that way, well, i have news for him: No One Is Indispensable!
removing one rotten apple from the lot aint a bad idea afterall.

then another guy, just went crazy and threatened me bec of some error in his paycheck (w/c im entirely not involved in). what's happenin?! geez!
cant he just verify first if his accusations were valid? i mean, give me some slack here.
it's not as if he didnt have his share of errs and fuck-ups!
again, another primadonna!
this ofc has a whole bunch of them! primadonna guys who's so full of themselves but aint that good overall.

with guy 1, i decided to confront him tom instead. i treated him professionally and just dealt with the project concerns.
one battle at a time. i dont wana ruin my momentum and diffuse my focus when there's so much to deliver.

with guy 2, since it is no direct concern of mine, i just asked the acctng pipol and raised the issue to them.
ive got enough shit in my own backyard to be handling this. let them fix the mess they created.
and will you please getoutta my space!

i need professional distance from these nega peeps.
they're draining the life out of me!
and i have this pragmatic way of approaching these probs.
shape up or ship out.
either you're with me or you're not.
harsh but necessary.
brutal yes, but we have a fierce society anyway.
age-old saying modified: survival of the "toughest & the smartest".
it has to be the two. won't work with just one.
live it. deal with it.

andaming pdeng mangyari sa isang araw.
sa isang araw ng buhay ko, naranasan ko ang
magmahal, umunawa, mapagod, magutom, mabigo, saktan, umasa.
pero kaya lahat yan!
basta araw-araw patuloy akong lumalaban.
UP Fight! :P hehehe.

universal thoughts

note:
i wrote dis for someone. dis was out of a short conversation we had. so dis is in a sense 'hers and mine' kinda entry.


kuntento ka na ba sa buhay mo?
ako hinde!
bakit ba mahirap makuntento?
ano ba ang konsepto ko ng contentment?
ang maging masaya sa piling ng isang tao.
at ikasasaya ko kung ako ang nag-iisang taong makakapagpaligaya sa kanya.
in other words, i want exclusivity.

but then again, i think that is da very reason why contentment becomes elusive for me.
kasi, while i want exclusivity on my partner, i dont want that applied to me.
meaning? selfish ako! sowhat?! my life, my rules. deal with that.

i want to be da center of her universe, pero i want a taste of da galaxy too! tough huh? im sounding like a spoiled rich brat now.
*yaya! i want dat gurl (points to da chick walking outside), can u get her for me and just put her on da bed while i take my bath, make sure she's brushed her teeth ok.* hehehe.

masarap magexplore, to discover new stuff, new tastes, new feel.
and i dont believe u can experience all dat in one body.
who says it has to be just one anyway?
whoever invented dat rule?
i think it's arbitrary, in da sense dat it's based on ur morality.
on what you can tolerate and stomach.

masarap sa ego na kaya mong paluhurin ang isang tao and make 'em beg for you.
and dat person will be hapi w/ just you. or me for dat matter.

i think there are pipol like dat.
and ofcourse, there are pipol lyk me.

so it's about finding a match and transformations.

i'm worldly ryt now, enlivened by my senses.
but given da right time or da right person perhaps,
*quick question, do u believe it's da ryt person or da ryt timing? hmmm... dats up for another entry*

who knows, i can be da sun to ur universe and u to mine, orbiting in each other's universe, contented and hapi.

note:
i wrote dis for someone. dis was out of a short conversation we had. so dis is in a sense 'hers and mine' kinda entry.

conversations w/ a fan 2

background: dis person accidentally stumbled on my blog and has been readin da then outdated entries (2003). though blogspot is my first blog, i was actively bloggin on blog-city before, until blogspot updated their features and made me go back to my blog roots (just dis oct. 14, 2004). come to think of it, had i not known dat pipol still read my old blog, i wouldn't revisit blogspot. so in a way dis gurl is da one who made me activate my blogspot. i thank you! ;) cheers! :)


proud fan : u can say i'm a fan
proud fan : shet, kakahiya to ah!
proud fan : :D
firewomyn : y?
firewomyn : never been a fan b4?
proud fan : shempre oo no...pro to actually admit na fan ka, that's embarassing
proud fan : hahahaha
proud fan : ma-pride ako eh
proud fan : hehehhe
proud fan : joke!
firewomyn : ok
firewomyn : and admitting dat lessens ur pride?
proud fan : no, not exactly...
firewomyn : ok lng
firewomyn : narereplenish nmn ang pride e
proud fan : hahaha

conversations w/ a fan 1

background: dis person is a recent ex of an ex-ofcmate of mine. we never talked before. then out of da blue s/he made his/her presence felt. since im tamad in making verbal kwento, i just said, if u wana know what's new w/ me, just read my blog. and it seemed s/he took it to heart what i said. read on.

fan: ala bago sa blog mo..
me : tula lang
me : :D
fan: nabasa ko na..
me : demanding ha
me : :D
fan: konti lang..
me : busy e
fan: ok..
fan: nabasa ko na kc lahat dun..
me : wow!
fan: napasok ko din ibang blog..
fan: ala kwenta..
fan: sau lang ako nag-enjoy
me : :D
me : e cguro kc kilala mo ko
fan: no..
fan: hindi naman ikaw tinitingnan ko dun..
fan: kundi yung mga msgs.. mo..
me : sabimue ;)
me : i'll try to update later
fan: at kung hindi kita kilala.. tangna.. hahanapin ko talaga gumawa nun..
fan: grabe.. natumbok mo emotion ko tol..
fan: nakaka-inlove lahat..
me : wehehe.
me : totoo b yan
fan: oiist.. totoo yun..
me : bk kc malungkot k ngayon kaya mo nasasabi yan
fan: hindi.. masaya nga ako..
fan: sobrang saya..
me : buti nmn
me : :)
fan: kc ang dami ko ng friends..
fan: minsan naiisip ko pa rin sya..
fan: but ok na ako..
me : dami frends, produkto ng chat?
fan: hahaha.. tama ka..
fan: it helps a lot..
me : ganyan nmn e, pg ngbreak, ska lang nakikirekonek s mga frendship
me : pg may jowa, dedma
fan: hindi.. dati kc nung kami pa ala talaga akong friends..
me : pg wala n jowa ska takbo s frends
fan: no.. hindi yan totoo..
fan: gusto nya wag na akong makipag communicate sa iba..
fan: as in bahay.. work talaga..
fan: kaya nga ang sakit nung iniwan me..
fan: kc sobrang tino ako
me : higpit ng bantay ah
fan: ginawa ko rin yun.. for her..
me : hard fact: nde porke matino k, nde k n iiwan
fan: oo nga..

Dykes In The City: The Sour Milk Theory

12.14.04
By Shannon Ray



"Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends? " - LA Story

Love is funny thing. When you're there, you're there all the way. When it's gone, we miss what we once had. But what if we could go back, would we? Is it ever possible to recapture what once was? Or is the expression "they're an ex for a reason" always ring true?

Second chances, in my opinion, can be divided up by experience. Good, bad or indifferent, it all depends on how the milk soured. Sour milk you ask? Yes my readers, love the second time around can be compared to sour milk for the most part.

Let me explain: Suppose you go to your fridge and find that the milk is kind of sour. You'd throw it away, right? If you put it back in the fridge, then try it again in two weeks, is it going to be any better? No! As a matter of fact, it'll be worse. And in the end, you'll kick yourself for thinking of trying it again and not properly getting rid of it the first time.

And on a side note, why is it that we must always smell the sour milk once we know it's bad? And worse yet, why must we, after knowing the milk is past due, have others confirm its funk? Must we always need confirmation that something has gone bad?

Kind of simplistic, I know, but it demonstrates my point: If it didn't work the first time, how is it going to work the second time? It's still the same sour milk! And that sour milk is NASTY the second or third time around. So why do we keep going back time and time again? It's never going to be the same fresh wholesome milk it once was. The milk will never improve and most people never change.

Life experince has taught me that I should have listened to my first instinct about a person. I've given out to 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances. But never again. I used think it depended on the person, the situation, the cycle of the moon, etc. Now I realize that when a person messes up the first time, there will be more to come. Giving chance after chance, only changes who YOU are. You are compromising yourself, and your needs. If they dont do it right the first time, boot them to the curb!

Case in point - my love life has graced not one but two possible second chances: Butch Charming and The Ex from Hell. Both were dashing, handsome, and broke my heart. One, The Ex from Hell, has curled beyond reconization. I hate to even admit that I dated her, let alone would have thought of giving her a second chance. Harsh, but her actions and reactions to my current life has taken it's toll. Seems it was sour from the start and just got worse with age. Her expiration date is way past overdue and she has left the frig. Butch Charming, on the other hand, is still as charming as ever. She still holds a special place in my heart, and always will. But past circumstances will always be in the way.

That's the problem with ex's, you remember both the good and the bad. We could remember our first kiss, our first date, as well as our first fight and the day we called the whole thing off. Not pleasant, but still the same sour milk. Still the same expiration date as before.

Relationships are difficult at best, they take a LOT of work from BOTH sides. My experiece has been that no one person is all to blame for anything. If a relationship has ended for a reason, especially a negative one, then going back into that relationship just seems like re-living it all over again. And I've done it and have the forty lashes to prove it. It's not a pretty sight and the welts leave a mark.

Many believe in "Strike one - you're out!" and "Done once will be done again" no matter what the circumstances. Others dish out chance after chance with side of swallowed pride. But for me, regardless of the advice given here, I firmly believe in true love at all cost and double checking expiration dates!

IT tactic

**these are the things i learned in our meetings today. context is software warfare. go figure.

"it's war out there. and it's brutal."

"rules are arbitrary. anybody can bend the rules."

"everything, everyone has weaknesses. use that to win."

"the only way to win a race (if ur disadvantaged) is to cheat."

"have a low tolerance to pain, that way u won't suffer longer"

"bad attitude can kill."

"be relentless, but not cruel"

"everything is about metrics. if u cant measure it, then it's not worth doing."

puno na ang salop

**apologies to fpj, rip :D



now is not the time to be weak and meek.
somehow, i have to find the strength to fight and defend my team.
i think they've crossed the line and are having a field day undermining us.
i won't take shit no more!
know thy enemy.
yes, they are the enemy!
i love my team.
it breaks my heart seeing that they are treated as second class citizens.
it is becoming a culture.
i hate them! and all their crap!
it's payback time!

gusto kong tumula 2

**da take 2**



dahil gusto kong tumula
wala sanang kokontra.

mga katagang walang kwenta
basta tunog ay tumugma.

e ano kung nde ako makata?!
ekspresyon ang mahalaga!

ung masarap sa bigkas ng dila
at swabe sa pandinig ng tenga.

gusto ko ring tumula
ng sa puso nagmumula.

bumigkas ng matatamis na salita
na aarok sa inyong pandama.

magkwento tungkol sa pag-asa
at magbahagi ng pang-unawa.

na ang buhay ay tunay na masaya
may laman man ang bulsa o wala.

gusto kong tumula,
nde ng mahabang mahaba.

gusto kong tumula,
kasi gusto kong lumaya :)

gusto kong tumula 1

**da praktis**



oohla-la!!!
tula
ng
tula

bula
ng
bula

hula
ng
hula

dula
ng
dula

nakakalula!!!

surviving mancoms (mgt committee mtgs)

tanginang buhay to.
san ka ba nakakita ng meeting na 6 n oras?!
kaya siguro ko nagka-scoliosis dahil sa kakaupo (ng walang sandalan) sa pagkahaba-habang mga meeting na yan e.
nde lng un, isa itong mini torture chamber.
walang kainan ito. wiwi lng pahinga.
etong ipamukha sau kung gano ka kainutil or kapalpak.
pipigain ka na aminin ang mali mo. or manuro sa mali ng iba.
pag wala nang maibato sau, babalikan ang nakaraan at huhukayin ang mga nakalibing at nananahimik nang mga isyu!
tama ba naman un?! potakte talaga!
duduguin ka talaga sa kakaisip ng ano nga ba nangyari at delayed kau at kakainggles habang kinakabahan at naiimbento ng dahilan para wag kang upakan sa galit ng boss mo.
ang pagkaka-alam ko sa sarili ko, magaling ako mg-inggles, pero sa araw araw na ginawa ng dyos kakausap sa boss kogn kano, na haluan pa ng nerbyos, kaya pautal-utal na rin ako, e andami ko na wrong grammar! nakakahiya talaga!
pag gusto mo magpaka-safe, patigasan na lang. ang key dito, wag ka titingin sa mata ng boss mo!
nde naman sa magiging bato ka pag nangyari un, pero pg nagtama ang mata nyo, nakow! wala ka nang lusot! dapat sumagot or mg-react ka sa kanya. expected na un. kung wala talagang lumalabas sa bibig mo, mejo kumunot ka ng noo *kunwari nag-iisip*, or tumango-tango ka *kunwari naiintindihan mo or agree ka*.
pero hanggat maaari, umiwas ka. yumuko ka, tumingin ka sa mga kasama mo, magsulat ka, ng tula, ng kwento, magdrawing ka, kahit ano, basta may ginagawa, wag lang mukhang tuod, kasi mashadong halata un!

sa mancom, lahat na ng emosyon lalabas.
etong may iiyak (na nde ako minsan makarelate!)
etong may sigawan! w/ matching habulan ha. da height ng drama di ba?!
etong may maghagisan ng papel.

sa mancom lng namin ikaw makakakita na ultimo ea (exec asst) pde umepal!
as in major react ha. oha! san ka pa!

masakit sa ulo, sa dibdib, sa sikmura, sa likod, sa mata, sa pantog!
pero i hav to survive. otherwise, baka matagal na kong napraning sa kakaattend ng mtgs.
makauwi na nga.

doldrums

dis is da day when everything chooses to be wrong.
when i just feel all messed up.
not just my hair, my clothes, but my life in general.
i wake up with a freakin headache and im late.
mrt had its fits and gave up running halfway d journey.
so im not just late for work, im now dead!

mind bubble:

scene1, the helpless slave:
*boss shoutin at me before i can even muster an excuse,*
you're fireeeed!!! *and throws my box to my face! gee, such drama*

scene2, the proud slave:
*hands on boss' table, demanding stance.*
can you do us both a favor and just fire me??

scene3, the creative slave:
*sneaks to the table so d boss won't notice and when d boss finally notices, fakes a faint or a tuberculosis cough then softly speaks:*
i'm really not feelin' well, *coughs again* but since there's loads of work to do, *another coughs again, voice becomes raspy* i just decided to go to work and do what i can. *w/ almost teary-eyed and slight shiver* is there something you want to ask me sir?

scene4, the bitchy slave:
*goes straight to the table, quickly puts on the headphones, blasts the music w/ deafening volume, and starts workin'. boss goes to d table and blabbers, w/ mouth frothing. i suddenly notices him and slowly removes the headphones and asks w/ an impatient look*
yes? can you be quick, im tryin' to work here.

bubble pops!
back to reality.
if i don't get to post anymore, that means my boss killed me already.

Mix Tape

by butch walker




You say hello, inside I'm screaming I love you
You say goodnight, in my mind
I'm sleeping next to you
You drive away from my car crash of a heart
And I don't know

But you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was so much more than that
About me and you

You talk to him, and it burns me like the sun
You talk to her, and you say that you feel like he's the one
I talk to me, but you can't hear the pain I feel
You don't know

Cause you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the sad songs ain't so sad
I only wish there was more than that
About me and you

(Bridge)
Oh, don't turn around and say bye again
Yeah it crushes my head when you call me
Your friend and I'm not the same person
From back in the day in the back of the class
that you thought was gay
No I can't find the words cause I lost them
The minute they fell out of my mouth
And it's love and I'm in it, so give me your lips
And just let me kiss 'em
and let's get messed up and listen to possibly...

The best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was more than that
About me and you

poWer of a Womyn's Wink!

just saw the hottest chick at mrt ayala!
So tall, prolly around 5'8-5'10, a stunner, w/ that hip-grunge look.
she was wearin a cream scarf on her neck, then a very loose sleeveless v-neck brown tee paired w/ knee-length navy blue shorts and sneakers.
seems like a mix of caucasian and asian blood.
we were side by side buying breakfast meals at an OutBox stall. the service crews were ogling, including me! good thing i was also lookin hip that time.
she speaks in cute tagalog as she pays the drink from her pink hello kitty wallet. what a doll. hehe.
but before she left, she gave me this sexy wink!
Tangina! Gusto ko na shang habulin. But my food isn’t ready yet.
2 primal needs competing: hunger (for food) & hunger (for her).
Wat do I do?! I already paid for the food. Hunger and practicality won over. Dammit!
I hope to see her again.

Remember what are moms tell, us to eat breakfast before we leave the house? there's definite wisdom in that!

dis says it all

message from my high school girl friend:

... anyway, i hope everything is going well with you, taxi drivers aren't crappy, your boss doesn't give you shit, and the girls are all sweet...you get the idea. take care!

that is indeed my idea of okayness!
3 things to make my day.
3 things to shoot for.

bless her :)

crisp quips!

guyfrend : how is lyf?
firewomyn: juicy
firewomyn: *grins*
guyfrend : naks!
firewomyn: u?
guyfrend : spicy
firewomyn: astig!
guyfrend : how's love life?
firewomyn: rosy

my harsh realities on bosses

1. your boss won't give a damn on your welfare.
what they really care abt is how you can be of use to the company.
you're as good as your use.

2. your efforts can never match expectations.
it's a psyche they want to maintain so everyone's always on their toes.
you'll never measure up.

3. everything will work the way they want it only if they do it themselves.

4. bosses are omnipresent.

5. they have selective amnesia.
they only get to remember your errors.
but on merits or extra effort, it is something you have to highlight or point to them.

6. bosses are never wrong.
they just change their mind or they didn't mean it when they said it then.

canned thoughts

i have a hot date (supposedly).
we're gonna watch a for adults only musical, "cabaret".
the mere fact that it's "for adults only" convinced me already that this is something i shd not miss.
after days of anticipation, yoyong happened.
much to my dismay, nature decided to intervene w/ my shag opportunity.
just tryin to make it to the curtain call is a very difficult task already.
because all roads seem to lead home. traffic is terrible.
we called music museum if they're gonna cancel/resched the show.
hardheaded bitches, they won't. true to form, the show will go on.
darn! i have to think!
my creative mind started churnin'.
hmmm... okay so we can brave the rains and all, watch cabaret still, by the time it's done, typhoon is in its simulated state, we'll be soakin' wet (umbrellas are no match to the strong winds), wet clothes huggin' our wet bodies, stranded in the middle of somewhere (traffic, debris, the works) and simply can't go home.
hah! a window of opportunity suddenly opened!
since it will be next to impossible to go home, we will have no choice but to spend the time sumwer, uhh, as we wait for the storm to subside, uhh, where we can spend the night, uhh, sumwer warm, uhh, sumwer private, uhh, sumwer where we can remove our wet clothes, ofcourse to let them and our bodies dry lest we get sick or sumthin'. that sumwer is shhhh...

ahah! not all roads lead to home afterall! bwehehe.

bed weather indeed.

***humming, im singin' in da rain...

luv in da tym of calamity

firewomyn is inlababo :)

with all the mushiness she can muster.

with all the silliness of vulnerability.

with all the idealism of a forever after.

amid the failing economy,
the challenging technology shifts,
the increasing scare in meningo disease,
the upcoming gulf war,
the devastating typhoons,
i remain unfazed,
because korni as it sounds,
this womyn has found her home.

strike anywhere

last night, i learned arafat died a week ago.
i was also told by a colleague that there'll be a major public transport strike today.

so im late for work.
edsa seemed deserted w/ public vehicles this mornin'.
damn those car owners who won't let me hitch.
masiraan sana kayo!!!

and debate is in its 6th yr already (from d 'libre' paper i read from the man standing beside me while waiting for mrt).

geez! where have i been?
taga-earth pa ba ko?
im so out of the loop!

and this makes me feel ashamed as a pinoy.
where has activism in my blood gone?

has it been dried out by years of corporate brainwashing?
has it withered by the seemingly bigger, more urgent & direct needs of my family?
has it been diminished by the global orientation i've been fed with daily?

i'm proud to be pinay!
but i doubt if 'pinas is proud of her daughter gone astray.

apathy. ugh!

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic

by Sting (acoustic)




Do I have to tell the story
Of a thousand rainy days since we first met
It's a big enough umbrella
But it's always me that ends up getting wet

Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on and on

Though I've tried before to tell her
Of the feelings I have for her in my heart
Every time that I come near her
I just lose my nerve
As I've done from the start

Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on and on

I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day
And ask her if she'll marry me in some old fashioned way
But my silent fears have gripped me
Long before I reach the phone
Long before my tongue has tripped me
Must I always be alone?

Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on

Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on

goldfishes in action

Goldfishes in action ... read on.

backgrounder:
goldfishX is a girl i've dated with,
got intimate with somehow,
but surprisingly, we never became a couple,
for reasons that puzzles me up to now.
and we do like each other.
we've been swimmin for a year now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...
goldfishX : i tried and i failed
goldfishX : story of my life
firewomyn : hav u tried me?
goldfishX : i dont know did i?
firewomyn : prang der was an attempt pro nde mo tinuloy
firewomyn : *i may be wrong din ha*
goldfishX : ....
goldfishX : i actually dont know what transpired then
firewomyn : aku den e
firewomyn : *grins*
firewomyn : parang antagal n kc
goldfishX : there was something...perhaps
goldfishX : maybe we werent available
firewomyn : yeah, there was always this unfinished business that we tend to set aside.
firewomyn : but sumwhow, we try to reconnect nmn and start from step1 over again
goldfishX : again and again
goldfishX : hehehe
firewomyn : yeah
goldfishX : i think your life's ok...maybe i dont want to mess it up
firewomyn : "life's ok" is an illusion
firewomyn : we all have dysfunctionalities
goldfishX : my life on the other hand is complicated
firewomyn : and we tend to think our lyf is shittier than the other
firewomyn : i luv complications!
goldfishX : my family won't approve whatever may occur...
firewomyn : do u need their approval?
goldfishX : i am even bound to marry someone
firewomyn : a lot can happen
firewomyn : and change
goldfishX : yeah
firewomyn : between now and tom
goldfishX : i guess
....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...
goldfishX : hi
firewomyn : elow
firewomyn : :)
goldfishX : kamusta k na?
firewomyn : ok nmn po
firewomyn : kaw?
goldfishX : still trying to live normally. kaw kwentouhan mo naman ako...
goldfishX : musta mga gimik mo?
goldfishX : dates?
firewomyn : ok nmn
firewomyn : more on watching muvis gimik ko
goldfishX : dates?
firewomyn : as in date today?
goldfishX : ngayun? may kadate ka ngayun?
goldfishX : i mean memya?
firewomyn : wala
firewomyn : kaw?
goldfishX : wala di naman ako masyadong lumalabas kaya more often wala kong date.
firewomyn : ah.
firewomyn : ano current emotional state mo now?
goldfishX : i dont know what i want anymore....i wanted just to be happy so i guess confused and lost
firewomyn : ah, ok lng yan, more than 50% ng tao s mundo ganyan feelin
goldfishX : buti ka pa hinde
firewomyn : sows
firewomyn : kala mo lng yun
firewomyn : lahat nmn ngkkproblem
goldfishX : youre strong, you can get whatever you want be with someone na gusto mo...
firewomyn : kung totoo yan, e di sana naging tau n noon.
firewomyn : ...
goldfishX : di ba may partner ka noon?
firewomyn : noong wala p kong partner
goldfishX : nyek...parang evrytime nagkikita tyo may partner ka
firewomyn : hehehe
firewomyn : ganun b?
goldfishX : e totoo naman
goldfishX : oo kaya
firewomyn : ohwell, u had ur chance then, u blew it!
firewomyn : wehehe
firewomyn : joke lng po
goldfishX : soory na lng ako no?
goldfishX : hehe
firewomyn : as if nmn gusto mo ko maging gf no
goldfishX : you're cool irresistable ka nga e i dont know why parati na lang almost....hehehe
firewomyn : lamo kung baket?
goldfishX : inde
firewomyn : kc nde kita sinagot! joke! joke! joke!
goldfishX : malamang.....nakalimutan ko kasing magtanong...hehehe
firewomyn : wehehe
firewomyn : mgtatanong p b? e nagkiss n nga tau e
firewomyn : *kamot ulo*
goldfishX : oo nga e
goldfishX : hindi ko na nga maulit....
firewomyn : ang alin?
goldfishX : kiss...
firewomyn : ah
firewomyn : gusto mo b ulitin?
goldfishX : ...
firewomyn : ...
...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...
goldfishX : kwento ka naman
firewomyn : ano b ko, personal storyteller mo?
firewomyn : :D
goldfishX : oo my personal story teller
firewomyn : may bayad b ito?
firewomyn : may bayad b ito?
goldfishX : dapat ba melon ako bayad iyo?
goldfishX : akin luki negosyo
goldfishX : ako wala pela ngayun
firewomyn : kht nde pera
firewomyn : ano bang meron k n magugustuhan ko?
firewomyn : ;)
goldfishX : melon ba?
firewomyn : kaw, wat can u offer?
goldfishX : i dont have anything to offer all i have is me and a few pesos
goldfishX : hahaha
goldfishX : pampelikula no?
firewomyn : yeah
firewomyn : cheesy
firewomyn : cge n nga
firewomyn : kahit isang 10minute french kiss n lng
firewomyn : hmmm...
...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

goldfish memory

"... you know, gold fish has only 3 seconds of memory
that means if it takes 3 seconds to swim around the bowl,
everything is new.
each time two gold fish meet, it's like it's the first time..."


so if i can be that forgetful, then i can experience love (everything),
all over again and again, without carrying the past, minus the guilt,
everything crisp, everytime, a first time.

wow!

but then, that means i will never settle nor stay in one relationship
w/ the same womyn, long enough to know her and she to know me.

awww!

are you a goldfish?

tales from the closet 1

note: im a closet queen in my clan. my whole clan is homophobic.
they have this double standard, that it is okay to happen to other families, but totally unacceptable to our family. my struggle continues...

setting: sala of our house, me and my sister, while watching a tv ad.

sister:  ainako brent, bading ka!
me:      onga. di ba jowa nya si piolo?
sister:  yah, di ba, kaw may sabi sa min.
me:       bagay naman sila e. parehong gwapo.
sister:  daming ganyan ngayon e, dating lalaki, then later nagiging gay.
me:       oonga.
sister:  dami nga ko frends na ganyan.
me:       tingin ko naman, walang kaso yun, e sa nagkagustuhan sila.
sister:  oonga. malay mo, ikaw maging tibo ka din!
me:       *napatulala ng konti for a millisecond, then gave her da "duh" look*
sister:  YUCK!!!


hayy... just when i saw a glimpse of hope, that my sister is open to the idea,
she quickly returns to her old homophobic self.
had she not immediately followed it up with a disgustful "YUCK", i would have come out to her already.
i guess it's not yet time.
sadness...

bakit bawal magkasakit!

1. kasi nakakapangit sha! nde ka pa makakaligo, so nakakabaho din!
turnoff! waaaaah!

2. kasi nde pde makipaglips-to-lips, so dat means wala munang karir or chuva!

3. kasi mahihiga ka lang ng mahihiga hanggang sumakit likod mo at matutulog ka lang ng matutulog hanggang mamaga mata mo at sumakit ulo mo.

4. kasi papagalitan ka pa ng nanay/tatay mo kung bakit ka nagkasakit. at mauungkat na ang mga past gimiks mo (w/c are the very reason nga naman bat ka nagkasakit! walang lusot!)

5. kasi mahina ang stamina, so nde ka tatagal sa mga matitinding physical activities, like errr... exhibitions? wehehe!

6. kasi nde ka makakaporma mashado like sleeveless, backless at lahat na ng 'less'! pero kung pasaway ka, pde rin, gudluck sa pulmonya!

7. kasi baka nde ka makapasok sa work or school, bawas sahod na, bawas ganda points pa pag nde mo makita ang mga pinagpapakyutan mo or mga karir mo. tsk. tsk. wasted opportunity na naman.

8. kasi nde ka makakagimik, unless gusto mo maospital or matigok!

9. kasi malungkot. either dahil walang mag-aalaga sau or senti mode ka lang. cguro nga kasi mababa ang defenses mo pag may sakit ka, physiologically and emotionally. so sad...

10. kasi bawal maglakwatsa, uminom, magyosi, magpuyat, mag-toot!


in other words, lahat ng masarap, bawal pag maysakit! waaah! yoko na ng maysakit!!!

escape artist

naexperience nyo na ba ung sobrang pressured kau on work or studies and kahit anong pukpok mo sa ulo mo at lupasay to focus, nde mo nagawa?

wat usually happens with me when i reach this point is i enter a happy zone.
i listen to happy songs. bigla akong nagiging autistic.
at dedma to da world na muna.

oo na, escapist ako. oeanongayon?! kesa naman maloka ako kakaisip.
mas importante, magsurvive.

ito ang aking tinatawag na escape song.
patok sa kin ung rendition. pag pinapakinggan ko to,
parang naiimagine ko nasa hawaii ako at nasa tabing dagat,
nakapokpok shorts, bikini top, may fabulous tan, at nakaboso-shades.
habang nanyanyanching sa mga nakatopless or nakikipagflirt sa mga naghu-hula dance
at umiinom ng bottomless na fruit shake.
hayy..... whattalyf!!!



Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

It's not who you love. It's how.

----------------

"... I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends.
And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's
what you'll call it.

And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you.
Very simple, very truly.

You're the epitome of every attribute and quality I've ever looked for in another person. I know you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I had to say it.

I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.

I know this will probably queer our friendship -no pun intended- but I had to
say it, because I've never felt this before, and I like who I am because of it.

And if bringing it to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But I could'nt allow another day to go by without getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And I'll accept that. But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitiation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not dismiss that -at least for ten seconds- and try to dwell in it.

Alyssa, there isn’t another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and me. you can't deny that.

And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever
changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which -while I do appreciate it- I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of."

- Holden, "Chasing Amy"

Notes:
Amy is a lesbian.
Holden is a guy.

wear art thou?

i'm not in my natural element today.
for someone who's been into shirts, jeans & sneakers day in day out,
coming up w/ a smart casual outfit for some academic tech talk is a toughie!
da tech talk is a breeze, but the outfit? ugh! do i really have to?!

apart from the fact that i lack corporate clothes, it's just that i'm never comfy with them.
i'm not as mobile when i'm in them bec sometimes certain outfits require care in movement.
and i can really be careless and carefree.
they're mostly not cotton material so you can imagine me melting like ice cream on noon time.
and i don't think that feels and smells good.

awful! awful!

so it's kinda limiting. and ohso uncool i tell you!

that's what's great abt my work.
power/position is not equated to clothing.
i can come in shorts, slippers or sando and i'd still be as efficient as i can be.
except of course for this special occasion that i have to do otherwise for image purposes.

here in 'pinas, people tend to base success on what people are wearin.
connotation goes: the more corporate, the higher is the position, ergo, higher salary too!

and i'm telling you now, that's a fallacy!
specially in the fields of IT and artsy-fartsy.

my mom (who's from old school, literally & figuratively! wehehe!)
always chides me on how i dress for work.
she goes, "ano ba yang suot mo?!
napagkakamalan ka nang factory worker ng mga kapitbahay!"

geez! as if i care!
as if they know what's in my payslip.
when they know nothin, except gossip. (pardon for the rhyme, can't help it at times :p)

so how did i fare in my smart casual quest?
i ended up w/ a semi-see through green polo paired w/ navy blue jeans and black boots.

i am smart. definitely casual.
and that suits me fine.



**on a side note, the tech talk at dlsu i dare say was successful :p

about time

i finally gave in. no more excuses.
if time is the problem, time is also the answer.
i have accepted the fact that i will never be less busy as i am now.
and the key is to simply give it time.

i bought a new pen and notebook.
i am writing again :)
the very idea gets me through a grueling day
like having a secret lover at your doorstep after a tiring day, i'm inlove.
like a secret identity under the office suit, i'm empowered.

i bought 2 books, 100 love poems (phil love poetry since 1905) and fast food fiction.
i am reading literature again :)
enough of the technical IT books i've been studying necessitated by work.
i want to enjoy reading again.
to read because i want to, not because i have to.
seeing different lives from other's eyes, i'm enriched.
learning various viewpoints, expression, i'm inspired.

it is time. to live. to love.

pen and paper

you are the ink,
i am the paper.

put color on my whiteness
give story to my blankness.

leave an imprint.
make me a history.

tattoo me all over,
in lines, in dots, in curves.
as if to say i am yours,
as if i will object.

you are the ink.
i am the paper.
touch me per layer.
turn me over and over.

i am the paper.
you are the ink.
stain me, and let it sink.
because with you, i need not think.

laro sa apoy

gusto kitang makita at makaniig.
damhin ang mainit na labi ng iyong pangako.
at mapaso sa dila ng iyong katapatan.

magpalamon sa lumalaking apoy ng kabaliwan
magpakalunod sa nagbabagang pagnanasa,
na ang langit ay nde na muling uulan ng luha.

halina't pag-usukin natin ang ating mga kaluluwang
sumasayaw sa liyab ng pag-ibig
na susunog sa lahat ng mga nakaraan.

pagka't ngayong gabi,
at sa susunod pang mga araw,
ikaw at ako ay magiging isa.